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  • dialogue
    • Mikel: Okay, I accept it. His third nipple did not come from a sunburn. After one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine years of believing that.
    • Anna: It's okay. My brother used to tell me that apples didn't have enough nutrition to be a fruit, so I had to eat the sticker. I did that for four or five years.
  • dialogue
    • Margot: Remember that Rugrats episode where the watermelon grew inside Chuckie? I couldn't eat watermelons for a week.
    • Mikel: But now they make 'em seedless.
  • "When Devin and I first started going out, we used to do it everywhere. Now it's the bed. Just the bed." -Shavonne
  • "Did you hear what happened this morning? Debra flipped out on me because I ate her tomato. She yelled at me, 'Why would you do that? Who does that?'" -Wendy
  • "I was gonna say, 'Have fun!' but don't." -Jamie, to Wendy before a funeral
  • dialogue
    • John: Why are you afraid of babies?
    • Jamie: Because if you drop them, that's it.
  • "My friend's been trying to have this baby since December. I called her and was like, 'Whatcha doin'?' 'Squats.' She's one of those girls that's crazy. She was eating spicy food, trying to get the baby to come out. She had her sister trim her down there. She wanted to be nice for the doctor." -Shavonne
  • dialogue
    • Shavonne: I don't think Hooters hires black girls.
    • Sarah: I wouldn't know.
    • Shavonne: You've never been to Hooters?
    • Sarah: Naw.
    • Shavonne: Wow. I did something Sarah never did?
  • "Don't put your pretty vagina on that nasty floor." -Sarah, to Sylvi
  • "Have you ever been in the backseat of your own car? Oh, wait, I guess I shouldn't ask that." -Sarah
  • "The shaft is clear so you can see the smoke and the head is black and it's got these three balls . . ." -Sarah, describing her new pipe
  • "A yellow? Oh, that's great 'cause out of this fucking novel, I have nothing." -Debbie, playing Uno
  • dialogue
    • Me: Shavonne, you look like the picture of cheerfulness today!
    • Shavonne: (skeptical) I do?
    • Me: The bright pink you're wearing. I don't know, I just thought you were in a good mood. I dress my mood.
    • Amanda: Well, you must feel like crap 'cause you're dressed like crap.
  • dialogue
    • Me: Can we have separate checks?
    • SangTae: No, put it on one.
    • Aimee (bartender): I was gonna put it on one anyway, crazy girl. So, where are you going next?
    • Me: I'm not sure.
    • Aimee: Oh, a surprise date.
    • Me: (laughing) This isn't a date.
    • Aimee: Whatever you want to call it.
  • "It's really hard to find cool bitches!" -Sarah
  • dialogue
    • Me: If I really put my mind to it, I think I could draw really well.
    • Jason: If I really put my mind to it, I could draw like a five-year-old.
    • Jerm: I can draw a five-year-old.
  • "Hey, could you help us? We got too high and can't find the yellow brick road." -Jason
  • dialogue
    • Jerm: (pressed against a tree) You can't see me 'cause I'm a tree.
    • Jason: I actually didn't notice him.
  • "Y'all are like the fucking Energizer bunny. You never stop." -Sarah, to Jason and me
  • dialogue
    • Jessica: I love whiskey, but I hate you!
    • Band: Drink more so you'll go comatose and we don't have to listen to you anymore.
  • "No, we're not gonna shoot marshmallows at each other. When you're seven, you can do that." -Mother, to daughter in toy store
  • "Remember that video girl with the big butt? What was her name? (pause) That was not her name. (types "big booty judy" in Google images) I need to get off of that. You got me looking at weird stuff." -Shavonne, on the phone with Devin at work
  • dialogue
    • Me: I had a kindergarten boyfriend. His name was Sean. He moved the next year and I was devastated.
    • Shavonne: Mine was Will. He turned out to be gay.
  • "I didn't know it did that." -Jackie, traumatized after a spinning ride at the fair
  • "How hard is it to pee in the toilet?!" -Jackie, disgusted by the fair bathrooms
  • "We don't need a bag. It's gonna get hugged." -Customer, referring to a stuffed animal
  • "Orlando's a nice place to live, I guess. A life of make believe. You never see anyone sweep the floors. I hate seeing people sweep the floor. It depresses the shit of out me." -Conor Oberst, at House of Blues
  • dialogue, at House of Blues
    • Conor Oberst: This next song is very old. I hope you don't mind.
    • (crowd cheers)
    • Conor Oberst: You don't even know what we're gonna play, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.
  • "I didn't know what happened. I ran off with the frog." -Dave
  • "I never heard someone so mad to get BINGO." -Jenna
  • "I reactivated my Facebook, so you can stalk me again, except not really because I deleted all my photo albums and almost all my friends." -Jamie, to her mother
  • dialogue
    • Jenna: I don't feel good, and Mom wouldn't let me stay home.
    • Jamie: So you want a burrito?
  • "Please don't get 8." -Jamie, before rolling an 8
  • "Most of my fun facts are made up on the spot, and sometimes they turn out to be true." -John
  • dialogue
    • Tommy: You're so jealous (of Steve).
    • Jason: Do you know what I do every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?
    • Tommy: If you say bangin' my cousin, I'm gonna punch you.
  • "Does anyone wanna do a line?" -Tommy, after Casey knocked over a glass of Coke
  • dialogue
    • Shavonne: I like your shoes.
    • Me: Thank you! The only downside is the toe cleavage.
    • Shavonne: I like toe cleavage.
  • "It was kinda cute." -Mario, referring to the thong a girl bought for him for a bachelorette party
  • "Dude! I don't wanna see that!" -Sangtae, to Mario trying to show pictures of himself in said thong
  • "I still have your yard in my shoes." -Aaron
  • "I FOUND THE PUZZLES! HERE'S A PWINCESS PUZZLE. And there's a DOUGHNUT! BUT HERE ARE THE PUZZLES! I don't want a puzzle." -Charles, a four-year-old boy in the toy store
  • dialogue
    • Me: I'm guessing Wendy broke her New Year's resolution.
    • Jamie: Yeah. It lasted a while, though.
    • Me: Yeah, a whole year without sex is a little extreme. I'm surprised she lasted as long as she did.
    • Jamie: She gave up cookies for lent, and no sex actually lasted longer.
  • dialogue
    • Iesl: Graduation is Thursday, June 2nd, so don't work that day.
    • Me: I have summer school.
    • Iesl: (gasps) I'm gonna have to tell them to reschedule graduation?
  • dialogue
    • Me: Have you worn your new shoes yet?
    • Iesl: I'm not wearing those to school. I might step in gum.
    • Me: But isn't school where you show everyone how cool you are?
    • Iesl: No, school is where I don't give a fuck.
  • "I need a massage. I wish I could turn my arms backward. I'd massage myself all day." -SangTae
  • "That vacuum is sweet as fuck." -Mario
  • "Oh, I'm definitely getting an epidural. People say, 'I don't want my baby to come out high.' The baby won't remember." -Shavonne
  • "John was complaining about how commercialized Easter is and I was like, 'I don't care. You want a chocolate bunny?'" -Jamie
  • "When can I eat hamburger?" -Mom, on a diet
  • dialogue
    • Me: Who's the queen of pop?
    • Jill: Michael Jackson.
    • Jamie: Queen!
  • dialogue
    • Jill: What is related to a giraffe? It boggles my mind that anything is related to a giraffe.
    • Jamie: It's probably something like a cantaloupe.
    • Me: You mean an antelope???
  • "Nana, hold my purse. I'm having fun." -preteen girl in toy store
  • "If I see you touch anything, I'm gonna hang you by your toes. Now, let's go have some fun." -redneck father, to his kids in the toy store
  • "He's around so much girls that he's like a little pimp and doesn't soak anything in, just does his own thing." -redneck father, referring to his four-year-old son
  • dialogue, in toy store
    • Dad #1: How's it goin'?
    • Dad #2: Oh, you know, living the dream. I'm in Learning Express, throwing a plastic football back and forth on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Doesn't get any better than this.
  • dialogue, in toy store
    • Father: Do you guys sell Webkinz?
    • Me: No, we stopped carrying them about a year ago.
    • Father: Oh! Good for you!
    • Me: You might be able to find them at Justice across the street.
    • Father: They would be there. There's no justice in that place.
  • dialogue
    • Jamie: But I don't like polka dots either.
    • Abby: Do you like dalmatians?
    • Jamie: Yes.
    • Abby: Okay, then we're good.
  • dialogue
    • Me: (eating a cookie over a trash can) Did you see the crumb fall?
    • Iesl: Yeah.
    • Me: You look so disdainful. It's not like it fell on the floor.
    • Iesl: That's just the way I look. Actually, a girl I sat next to at lunch brought that up. She kept apologizing; it was annoying. I told her to stop and she said I looked agitated, but I wasn't until the second or third time she apologized.
  • dialogue, in toy store
    • Young Girl: Will you buy me this?
    • Older Brother: No, you almost ate a gummy bear off the ground. Maybe Mom will buy it for you. I don't have money.
    • Young Girl: Mom may not buy it for me.
    • Me: Why not? Tell her it's only $7.
    • Young Girl: She'll have a cow. She'll give birth to a cow.
  • "What are you doing all day, Tipper? Go and get a job." -Iesl, to her cat
  • dialogue
    • Jason: You all met David, right?
    • Jessica: I don't think I have. I must have been drunk.
    • Jason: Story of her life.
  • dialogue
    • Jessica: It's cold out here.
    • Me: That means you aren't drunk enough.
  • dialogue
    • Me: I'm glad you asked before taking a chicken from my plate.
    • Iesl: You would've given it to me anyway.
    • Me: I know, but pleasantries are still nice.
    • Iesl: But you're my sister; I don't need pleasantries.
    • Me: You call me "Sis."
    • Iesl: That's your name.
  • dialogue
    • Iesl: Why do you let Lamar drive your car? Tell him that's bullshit. He's just trying to bring you down because he's a man.
    • (silence, then Mom and I burst out laughing)
    • Me: I feel like I'm at a feminist rally.
  • "If I weren't already awake, I wouldn't get out of bed." -Jamie
  • "Clark's prematurely balding. It's awesome." -Abby
  • "Should I eat or should I sleep? Or should I shower? Because that hasn't happened in a few days." -Jamie, on life as an architecture student
  • "Oh, whatever. Just own it. Be like, 'I'm Crystal and I can eat spicy Indian food— can you handle it?'" -Abby, when I expressed embarrassment about seeing high school friends after New Year's
  • "Jill asked me if I wanted to hang out and I texted 'yeah' with two A's and it autocorrected to 'USA!'" -Jamie
  • "I wish I were a dog so I could pee wherever." -Abby
  • "Sometimes too full. Can't think right." -Mom, driving aimlessly after lunch at Chipotle
  • "They want you within spitting distance." -Rachel, referring to her family
  • "If you wanna be a doctor, you be a doctor. If you wanna be a lawyer, you be a lawyer. If you wanna sell drugs, you be a pharmacist. And if you wanna be a cannibal, change your dream because no one lieks a cannibal." -Stephannie, Class of 2011 valedictorian speech
  • "Statistics show that the number one fear is public speaking. Death is number two. Number two. Does that seem right to you? That means at a funeral, most people would rather be in the coffin than the one giving the eulogy." -Youngdoo, Class of 2011 valedictorian speech
  • "Dude, if you pole a hoke in my shirt..." -Sarah, to Jeramie
  • "I need to get in shape. Not that I'm saying round isn't a shape." -Chris M.
  • "It's the most nothing I've ever seen." -Chris, referring to the Salt Flats
  • dialogue, playing Catchphrase
    • Eric: The Catholic Church frowns on this.
    • Chris: Condoms.
  • dialogue, playing Catchphrase
    • Me: March, April, May...
    • Laura: January!
  • dialogue, playing Catchphrase
    • Tak: Opposite of "I can see."
    • Eric: I can't see.
  • dialogue
    • Eric: What the hell is a rumble seat?
    • Jo: A sex toy?
  • dialogue, playing Catchphrase
    • Debby: This is what a bride carries.
    • Jo: Credit card!
  • "I don't know how to do this without being vulgar." -Chris, describing "deep throat" while playing Catchphrase
  • "There's a Russian saying that doesn't translate well in English. It's, 'If you're given something, take it; if you're being beaten, run.'" -Igor, when I offered to buy his dinner
  • "I felt like I was going number two. It was, like, legit coming out." -Rich, after tubing
  • dialogue
    • Ross: My mom and I have different senses of humor.
    • Me: Different senses or differences?
    • Ross: Differences— difference— different... senses... Don't you pull that shit with me.
  • "Yeah, I'll invite people over to watch me dance with fans." -Clare, to her mother suggesting she decorate her bathroom with chintzy fans
  • dialogue, discussing what to bring to her new apartment
    • Clare: I mean, what do I need for survival?
    • Judy: 'Cause you're in the middle of a desert.
  • "When you girls are gone, you better take everything that means anything because I'm going through your room." -Judy, to her daughters
  • "I like energy drinks, fast food, and candy. Fuck all o' y'all. Hey, I'll eat vegetables." -Brian
  • "You've got such a tiny booty. And it's kind of floopy." -Mike, squeezing Brian's ass
  • dialogue
    • Clare: There's, like, nothing in my apartment. We should totally pitch a tent in the living room.
    • Brian: Oh, I'll definitely be pitching a tent.
  • "If you were miserable, I'd be so much happier right now." -Woman, to her friend
  • dialogue
    • Jack: Look at everybody getting ready for bed.
    • Brian: Did you see what I just did? I'm not going to sleep.
    • Jack: Well, I don't know how this drug affects you. You could be feeling ughhh.
    • Brian: Naw, I feel good.
    • Jack: You wanna fuck, that's what you want.
    • Brian: (nonchalantly) I wouldn't mind it.
  • "Whenever I say any something..." -Winston
  • "You have no many ideas." -Clare
  • "Here's to the anger we never acted on." -Jack
  • dialogue
    • Clare: How old is he? Is he married?
    • Jack: He's married to me, I think.
  • "Hey, it's my birthday. I can summon the frog." -Brian, after smoking too much in the morning
  • "I smell like a frog. No! Damn it. I sound like a frog." -Brian
  • "But Mikey's a little punky. It's possibility he smoking things." -Mother, concerned about my sister's friends
  • "Trout? Is that intestine?" -Zeus
  • dialogue
    • Eric: (rubs Peter's nipples)
    • Me: Why do you always molest people?
    • Eric: This isn't molesting; this is love.
  • "Be easy with the Pineapple Express. You wanna be watching that too much." -Eric, to Jeff
  • "Oh, both my balls are there. That's bad, too." -Peter
  • dialogue
    • Nikki: I remember once I stepped on a nail and my mom took it out. I don't know how she didn't barf.
    • Iesl: You couldn't go to the hospital for that?
    • Nikki: We were overseas and didn't speak the language.
    • Justin: (points to foot) Ow! Owwww.
  • dialogue
    • Delivery Man: What year are you in?
    • Me: That's a complicated answer.
    • Delivery Man: Did you switch majors?
    • Me: Yes, and I transferred.
    • Delivery Man: What are you doing now?
    • Me: Pharmacy.
    • Delivery Man: What were you doing before?
    • Me: Writing.
    • Delivery Man: So, basically you're learning how to write prescriptions.
  • "I'm so drink right now." -Tom, at a work party
  • dialogue, at a work party
    • Kelly (boss): Are you drunk?
    • Tom: Yes.
    • Kelly: Fucking marines. You're always drunk. Hey, we're not at work. I can say, "Fuck you."
    • Tom: If you must.
  • "My hands still smell like doughnuts." -Sylvi
  • "You make me want Chinese food." -Megan, to me
  • dialogue
    • Me: Taylor, can I ask you something that I've been wondering about but was too scared to ask?
    • Taylor: That sounds ominous.
    • Megan: I think I know where this is going.
    • Me: Do you?
    • Taylor: So, what's your question?
    • Me: Well, I'm trying to think of the best way to phrase it so that you aren't offended, but you don't seem like you're easily offended.
    • Taylor: No, I'm easily offensive.
    • Me: What's your sexual orientation?
    • Taylor: (bursts out laughing)
    • Megan: Okay, not what I thought you were going to ask.
    • Taylor: First of all, I want to hear what you were thinking.
    • Megan: I'll tell you after you answer.
    • Taylor: I'm all about the person. I don't really think about gender.
    • Me: That's what I figured. I just wasn't sure because you live with two gay guys and you talk about women the way a gay man would, but then I thought you might be asexual.
    • Taylor: I get that a lot.
    • Taylor: (later) Oh, yeah. What were you thinking, Megan?
    • Megan: Darn, I was hoping you forgot. I don't want you to think of me differently...
    • Taylor: Just ask.
    • Megan: Do you smoke weed?
    • Taylor: (laughs even harder)
  • "You walk like a crooked lion." -Troy
  • "Everybody dies sometime. You're just choosing to die a couple months early." -overheard, a guy to his engaged friend
  • dialogue
    • Sarah: The only tissues I care about are in this general area. (gestures to chest)
    • Mike: (amused) What, the mammary?
    • Sarah: (shoots Mike a dirty look) No, the lungs. I want to be a respiratory specialist.
  • dialogue
    • Me: I really hope I don't get Kelly for Secret Santa. I have no idea what I'd get her.
    • Taylor: I'd get her a $10 bottle of whiskey.
    • Jeff I'd get her a gun and a bullet.
  • "On my chest, not on my clothes." -overheard, Jeff to Taylor
  • dialogue
    • Me: Whenever I eat Korean food, I'm always worried about getting something in my teeth, like red pepper.
    • Mom: Especially when I eat seaweed. At church, I ask my friends if I have anything in my teeth. They say no, but I check later and I have seaweed on my lips. When I complain, they say, "You asked about your teeth, not your lips."
  • "How do you like maps and not know the directions to your house?" -Ginger
  • dialogue
    • Me: My mouth still tastes like pretzels.
    • Tom: You said "pretzels."
    • Me: Yeah...
    • Tom: I heard "testicles," and then I thought, "She wouldn't say something like that. And if she would, I just learned more than I wanted to."
  • dialogue
    • Taylor: I think that group over there is trying to recruit that guy into a biker gang...
    • Daniel: Let's start a Starbucks biker gang.
    • Taylor: Our names would be drinks. Quin-Quin, you'd be Pumpkin Spice. Daniel, you're White Mocha. I'm Raspberry Passion.
    • Daniel: Our ranks would be cup sizes. Kelly would be a Trenta. All the baristas are Tall. I'm a Short.
  • dialogue, with an aspiring vegan lesbian
    • Jenna: Brandy and I were playing Would You Rather? in the car and we asked what we would rather have in our mouth, hamburger or sweaty scrotum, and she picked hamburger!
    • Me: You wouldn't pick the hamburger?
    • Jenna: (shaking her head emphatically) Sweaty scrotum.
  • dialogue, Halloween weekend
    • Me: What are you supposed to be?
    • Seth: (wearing a half-zipped bright green track jacket with no shirt and a scarf) Come on, you can't tell?
    • Me: A douchebag?
    • Jamie: (laughing) I swear we didn't tell her to say that.
    • Seth: I'm a hipster.
    • Me: Right, a douchebag.
    • Jamie: (later) When Brittany and I first saw his costume, we said he looked like a douchebag.
  • dialogue
    • Kelly: Four damaged carrot cake cupcakes? Did they get damaged in Kate's mouth?
    • Kate: They were smushed, I swear!
    • Me: Why'd you blame Kate? Is it because she's a carrot top?
  • "Did you hear her? She says she has a closet full of booze and doesn't know what to do with it." -Matt, referring to me
  • dialogue, with boys trying to figure out the strangest thing I've eaten
    • Troy: What did you eat?
    • Me: I ate lots of things.
    • Troy: That you won't tell us.
    • Me: There are lots of things I won't tell you.
    • Troy: (face falls)
    • Nolan: Why won't you tell us?
    • Me: Because it bothers you so much.
    • Evin: Didn't bother me.
    • Nolan: She told you?!
    • (Troy and I exchange looks, shake our heads.)
    • Nolan: What was it?
    • Evin: Not telling.
    • Nolan: Why not?
    • Evin: Because she doesn't want me to, but I've had it before.
    • Nolan: Something Evin ate... Dick?
    • Troy: (later) So, what did you eat?
    • Me: My hair, a headband, a pillow shaped like a marshmallow.
    • Megan: (looks up from math homework) Wait, you ate a pillow?
    • Me: (staring) Really, Megan?
  • "Bree is, like, stony bologna every day." -Taylor
  • dialogue, after relaying the hamburger versus sweaty scrotum question
    • Taylor: Brandy would definitely choose the hamburger.
    • Me: So, I guess Brandy is more lesbian than she is vegan.
    • Taylor: They're vagitarians.
  • dialogue, while working drive thru
    • Customer: (after long silence) Hello?
    • Megan: (still laughing from a joke) Sorry about the wait. What can I get started for you?
    • Customer: Give me a minute.
    • Tom: This woman must be a comedian.
  • "They're going to try to sell you coffee at the window. Good luck." -Daniel, after taking a drive thru order
  • "Nothing screams 'underage' like drinking water at a bar." -Me
  • "I'll work Christmas Eve if you work New Year's. I don't even want to step foot in a Starbucks. I wanna get trashed. I wanna be throwing up." -Taylor
  • dialogue
    • Daniel: If you two had babies, they'd be Korean zombies.
    • Bree: Wouldn't that be a hot combination?
    • Daniel: Better yet: zombie ninjas. Get started. Right now. And can I have one?
  • dialogue
    • Daniel: (walking into my conversation with Bree in the backroom) Am I interrupting something here?
    • Bree: (pulls my face to hers)
    • Daniel: Whoa. Did you two just kiss? (snaps fingers, kicks floor)
    • Me: You would wanna see that, wouldn't you?
    • Daniel: (shrugs) Yeah, I'd watch.
  • "Kelly's the whitest person here. She's a chocolate creme whoopie pie." -Taylor
  • dialogue, discovering my mother is Team Edward
    • Me: You really wanna watch Twilight? Why?
    • Mom: Because the guy looks sexy.
    • Me: Which one, the white one or the dark one?
    • Mom: The white one.
  • dialogue
    • Me: Did you know you have mammillary bodies in your brain?
    • Ashley: Does that mean you can get breast cancer in your brain?
  • dialogue, while waitress at Kobe tried to box a diner's leftovers
    • Woman: I didn't know what she was asking. I'm sorry!
    • Waitress: No more Long Island iced tea.
  • dialogue
    • Max: Dammit, Daniel!
    • Ashley: Watch your mouth, fool!
  • dialogue
    • Me: (holding out a Sharpie with my other hand occupied) Will someone take my top off for me?
    • Daniel: (takes it, walks away)
    • Me: Don't keep it!
    • Danielle: (from the backroom) Did you just ask someone to take your top off?
  • "Why don't you get fat so we can call you Eggo Meg-o?" -Daniel, to Megan
  • dialogue
    • Me: We're probably not going to sell through these squares...
    • Manager: Here, let me help you. (grabs a caramel sqaure and runs away laughing maniacally)
  • dialogue
    • Ashley: I have to watch when I throw sandwiches at the girls.
    • Me: Hey, I'm a good catch.
    • Kelly: You are a good catch. You're going to make a guy very happy someday.
  • "I wanna grab the ladder and hunt for mold." -Taylor
  • dialogue
    • Taylor: You guys don't think I look fat, do you?
    • Tom: Taylor, if you're fat, then I'm fat...
    • Melisa: If you guys are fat, then fuck you.
jan 20 2011 ∞
jun 4 2012 +