- There's a new spell you get around level 50 called "Mirror Image" which might as well be called "Reap On, Ye Fucking Reaper Man". (WoW Cataclysm)
- ...riding the game criticism rails like the shoutiest hobo. (5 Best of 2010)
- If I were War and I'd just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped him in half with a single swing I wouldn't stand there scowling, I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did everyone see that? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!" (Darksiders)
- It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear. (Shadow of the Colossus)
- Emotionally repressed even then, I was suspicious of their instant friendliness, fixed grins, and eagerness to take me into the gents to show me Herman the Hairy Snake, the secret mascot who only comes out for good little boys and girls with weak gag reflexes. (Epic Mickey)
- anything in between looks like absolute arse, like an unfinished jigsaw puzzle balanced on somebody's arse. (Epic Mickey)
- The main problem I always have with multiplayer is that human beings are grabby, entitled, selfish, ugly, stupid, evil cockstoppers. (Assassin's Creed Brotherhood)
- Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and put your dick in all kinds of magical things. (Splatterhouse)
- This is about as simple as games get. There isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing; you're not exacting revenge on limbless pigs or feeding your pet bitch-lizard. You're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and fuck fruit. Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. (iPhone Games)
- Fish plus knowledge equals octopus? That's not logic, that's fucking batshit on a sandwich. And I'm a little disappointed that cat plus Internet doesn't create YouTube. (iPhone Games)
- I say ram a few of them up America's rancid, hairy funhole, and maybe she could remember how to act like a grown-up. . .and come like a howler monkey! (COD: Black Ops)
- The game's like a nagging spouse slapping you around the back of the head every 5 seconds: "Go there! Keep running! Take cover! Not there, you're getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he's on your side! Can't you tell? He's wearing a slightly different hat! Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don't know, over there somewhere! Oh. There, see? If you'd thrown it sooner that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!" You only get a break on the loading screens, which will generally helpfully remind you that grenades explode and you should probably avoid getting exploded in future. (COD: Black Ops)
- Why is my character putting broken glass into the mouth of a helpless prisoner? I don't think he'd find that very tasty - oh bugger my britches, that was uncalled for! (COD: Black Ops)
- ...it is the most grossly offensive and mishandled application of intellectual property since the Schindler's List Easy-Bake Oven! (Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II)
- Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I'd been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant mustachioed spider people, so I made my excuses and left. (Fallout: New Vegas)
- But just as fate had lodged its spiked butt plug as far as it could go, the kindly prison storekeeper was nice enough to just give away 200 caps out of a strongbox in a locked room behind several armed guards. So with a net profit and two shiny new legs fresh from the wrapper, I settled down that night on a prison mattress that smelled like it'd seen its fair share of brutal romantic conquests. (Fallout: New Vegas)
- Then I took all their stuff, which isn't stealing because they attacked me, making it mine by international law of go fuck yourselves. (Fallout: New Vegas)
- the game takes liberties with the original story in the same way that Jason Voorhees takes liberties with cheerleaders. (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
- So while Journey to the West was about a mischievous and arrogant Monkey King forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke slapping robots in the dick. But his name is Monkey, so that's all right then. (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
- I get the extremely strong impression that Monkey secret gets off on being dominated. That and slapping robots in the dick - that becomes clear when you get a slow-motion close-up for killing the last robot in the room and Monkey's got this look on his face like he's getting sucked off in a wind tunnel. (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
- But why am I still talking about puzzles and platforming? What am I, some kind of six-foot ovary? Let's talk about the combat! Yeah, that's what us penis owners like! And not unlike my penis, the combat's kind of a mess.(Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
- In the worst-case scenario, you could be swinging your axe several seconds after the zombies have already eaten your face, digested it, and pooed it down your nosehole. (Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii)
- But as the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, "This shit will not fly!" (Left 4 Dead 2 & New Super Mario Bros. Wii)
- I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans aren't the biggest pricks in the room; I mean, a lot of my friends are humans and some of them are all right. (Dragon Age: Origins)
- Basically, if you like fantasy RPGs, then Dragon Age is about as definitive as they get, and if you don't like fantasy RPGs, then I guess you can just go off and have sex with people instead. (Dragon Age: Origins)
- I'm part of the notoriously recession-proof entertainment industry, so I've been blowing all my money on guitars and beautiful Philippino boys. (Little Big Planet)
- A lot of that is the voice-over by Stephen Fry that feels like a velvet finger soaked in warm honey being gently worked around your earhole. I SAID EARHOLE! (Little Big Planet)
- Jumping is also a rather difficult and inexact science, like coming up with analogies for these reviews when the air conditioning's bust. (Little Big Planet)
- But the level design is really, really good, like. . .something good that's. . .made of chocolate.
- it's all got this wonderful charm about it that disarms you, then trips you up and plants your face into a muddy riverbed. . .made of chocolate. (Little Big Planet)
- I guess that means this review is a bit shorter than normal. So here's something else to fill the time. (Yahtzee dances around in his boxers for 12 seconds, a pair of googly eyes attached to his bum.) Oh, FUCK! Sorry, I forgot! User-made content. (Little Big Planet)
- ...a host of tutorials you will be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry's voice tonguing your cock. . .lea for hours on end.(Little Big Planet)
- If I buy a house, I want an architect to design it. If I design it myself, it may have a more personal touch, but it's going to fall over very fast. And even if it doesn't, the giant fiberglass breasts on the front will be very tacky. And the neighbors will complain when the gingerbread garage starts to smell. (Little Big Planet)
- Cole gains the power of electricity while everyone around him gains the power of dead. (InFamous)
- From a relatively sober beginning fighting gangs and hoodies, the plot gradually takes a left turn on 4th and Bananas and before long you're fighting giant trash robots built by psychic super-hobos. (InFamous)
- You can jump gleefully around on the rooftops like Down syndrome Batman. (InFamous)
- And, lest we forget, you can shoot various of lightning out of your arse. Some of those flavors do seem a bit ridiculous, like electric healing - since everyone knows that 50,000 volts is just the thing for a collapsed lung. (InFamous)
- It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding, and you can spend all afternoon explaining that, but no one's gonna eat it because you stuck your dick in it! (Prince of Persia Retrospective)
- Whatever. I don't give a toss about no wife, bitch, I'm here to make my little bionic monkey swing on shit. (Bionic Commando)
- the first thing I noticed was that the swinging mechanic feels as smooth and pleasant as a clockwork bumfuck! No matter how fast you were going when you started, you always swing at the same speed (because momentum is for pussies), and at the end of the swing your character breaks wind and lurches forward sickeningly. It all feels very stiff and unnatural and there's a dick joke in there somewhere. (Bionic Commando)
- You can use traditional guns if you're boring and unlikeable and peoples' eyes glaze over when you're talking to them and you're my dad, but sexy and exciting people - like your mum - can use the hook-shot arm to fling the scenery at your enemies... (Bionic Commando)
- I think what does make Bionic Commando bad is the fact that it's a whore! And not the wholesome kind, a corporate whore! (Bionic Commando)
- All right! Fine, for fuck's sake; I'll review Borderlands if it will make you shut up! (Borderlands)
- They nag me to review it anyway in order to confirm their feelings and level up their internet cocks.(Borderlands)
- Eventually, I resigned myself to breaking my one rule of never playing multiplayer with people who are not in the same room as me (and therefore bound by the most basic rules of social etiquette), held my nose, and dived into the monkey house that is random game joining.(Borderlands)
- Did a great man not once say that every game must be able to stand on single-player alone? Well, yes, it was me, on this very website!(Borderlands)
- Readers of my online journal - I refuse to use the word blog because it sounds like something that lives on a riverbed and communicates through farts. (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- Rap after all is no less worthy then regular poetry as a cultural medium. More so, perhaps. If you want to bone someone I've never understood why you can't just come out with it, rather than dance around the issue for fifty stanzas. At least hip-hop tends to be direct with its subject matter. It's just unfortunate that the subject matter is almost always guns, whores, and whores getting shot with guns. (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- Let's just make a nice little disclaimer to hang over the rest of the review: No, I'm not racist, you knee-jerk lemon-scented pussy-wipes! (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- It's very depressing when you can't make honest cultural commentary without having to disavow the assumption that your feelings are motivated by an irrational hate-trigger response to different levels of melanin. (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- Besides gangster rappers don't need defending – they've got guns for that! (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- You shoot the guns and the peoples fall down. (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- Not that they'd know anything about work, the lazy nig-(END CREDITS) (50 Cent: Blood on the Sand)
- Like everyone else with the kind of social skills required to hang out on the Internet, I love Batman. I adore him from his cute little pointy ears to his big stompy boots. (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- I had my doubts about Arkham Asylum because it looked like a dark, gritty game with scary horror elements, and how can you have scary horror when you're Batman, ostensibly the most capable fictional character since Jesus? (Ooh, edgy!) And how can you have dark grittiness when you're Batman, a man who swishes about in his underpants and a fabulous cape? (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- This does feel like reaching for the low-hanging fruit--and Batman is nothing if not a low-hanging fruit--but I just love that bit in The Dark Knight when Gary Oldman and Aaron Eckhart are talking about bringing down the mob, and it could almost be a scene from The Departed, until Batman flounces in wearing pajamas and a bucket on his head and no one bats an eye. (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- For example, while it is cool to jump on people from high places, spreading your cape like a black and terrible flasher of the night, your cape fills such a massive portion of the screen (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- If I fail to hold down X every time I move, Batman marches ridiculously around like a pompous sergeant major with a broom stuck up his arse. I thought we'd perfected this technology! Push the analog stick to run, push it halfway to walk. This would have also freed up a button that could have been used for, I dunno, the Bat Spank. (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- Comic book writers do not undergo mandatory lobotomies. Was Watchman just comic book writing? Was Schindler's List just a bunch of flickery lights on a wall? (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- What can you do with a character who responds to everything by either punching it or deploying Bat Anti-thing Spray. . . then punching it? (Batman: Arkham Asylum)
- So I guess what I'm saying is that all women are evil. Bewitching innocents with their insidious emotions and absorbing our manhoods into their rank blood-streaked spam sandwiches, who needs 'em. Incidentally, I'm still not gay. (Sims 3)
- Oh, hello again, Nintendo; I almost didn't recognize you with all that casual gamer semen crusting around your mouth. (2nd Annual E3 Hype Massacre)
- People are shit. Whenever I'm in a crowd I think to myself, "Who left this shit all over the place?" I'm shit, you're shit, the world is shit, and if you're sitting there thinking "Yes it's true, everyone is shit except me," then you're a double bacon shit with large fries, Mr. Shitface. (2nd Annual E3 Hype Massacre)
- 'You must reach a minimum level of excitement before continuing.' You must reach a minimum level of suck my cock , Battlefield 3. (Battlefield 3)
jan 15 2011 ∞
mar 8 2012 +
