Mitch Hedberg, R.I.P. (1968-2005)

• I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk; she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here, some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older!"
• They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not 'til you figure out what the f*** else is in it!"
• I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
• You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
• I bought a house, it's a two-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? F*** you, rea...

• The Police - Don't stand so close to me
• Talking Heads - Found a job
• Peter Gabriel - Mercy street
• Eurythmics - Love is a stranger
• Cutting Crew - (I just) Died in your arms
• Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
• Talking Heads - Electricity (Drugs)
• Thomas Dolby - She blinded me with science
• Peter Gabriel - Big time
• Blondie - Heart of glass
• Talking Heads - Take me to the river
• Peter Gabriel - Shock the monkey
• The Police - Synchronicity I
• The Police - Synchronicity II
• Talking Heads - Artists only
• Dead or Alive - You spin me 'round (Like a record)
• George Harrison - I've got my mind set on you

• Vocals: Nathan Explosion
• Lead Guitar: Skwisgaar Skwigelf
• Rhythm Guitar: Toki Wartooth (my favorite)
• Bass: William Murderface
• Drums: Pickles the Drummer

You should have known this was coming...It's basically the whole movie in a nutshell, not quite in order though.

• Bender: Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other?

Claire Standish: (nods) Bender: Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?

• Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.

John Bender: Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about? Brian Johnson: Well, what I had said was I'm in the math club, uh, the latin, and the physics club... physics club. John Bender: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club? Claire Standish: That's an academic club. John Bender: So? Claire Standish: So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs. John Bender: Ah... but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your ...

• Scrubs (complete first season)
• CSI: Miami (complete third season)
• The Breakfast Club
• Breakfast at Tiffany's
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
• The Benchwarmers
• Pretty in Pink (Everything's Duckie Edition)
• Titanic
• Finding Forrester
• RENT
• Dead Poet's Society

• Jim Gaffigan: "I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly! Enjoy the next NASCAR event!"
• Jim Gaffigan: "But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'"
• Jim Gaffigan: "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia; 4-H."
• Jim Gaffigan: "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from...