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i'm unbearably fond of everything except for strawberry/kiwi flavoured fruitopia

mesmairead follows:
  • you're braver than i am, and it inspires me to step out of my comfort zone
  • you told me you loved me when i was still too afraid
  • you cry so openly. you feel so deeply. you open your heart so easily
  • you're such a good person, and you listen so carefully to people around you and try to help them
  • you are so open to new ideas and even though we debate a lot, you're not nearly as stubborn as i am about being right. you love learning more than you love being right
  • no one who holds so much love in his heart should be afraid of being hurt by someone small like me
  • you have the most beautiful eyes
  • you have the most beautiful soul
  • you are willing to help me be a better person
feb 25 2018 ∞
mar 14 2018 +
  • it's may today, that special warmth that is more brightness from the sun and less actual heat
  • on this rainy monday morning, parents walk their kids to school in tiny yellow rain jackets
  • the night before, i stayed over on the bottom bunk of my baby sister's bed beside an orange cat, fell asleep to the sound of her overhead, laughing quietly as she read calvin & hobbes to herself
  • my dad says that by the time my baby sister was born, he was too old to get up in the middle of the night when she needed rocking to comfort her
  • my dad changed diapers instead
  • my dad says he doesn't think my baby sister needs to see my grandma like this. she's too young and my grandma is suffering too much and all we are is witnesses to her pain
may 3 2017 ∞
aug 2 2017 +
  • i make $17.89/hour at my summer job
  • approximately $6/hour than minimum wage
  • i work 37-40 hours a week (75-80 in a pay period/2 weeks)
  • this is the maximum amount i am allowed to work under union labour laws in ontario and still be considered a "part time employee" aka someone who doesn't have to be given benefits such as sick leave and vacation time
  • 40 hours a week is a full-time job (the equivalent of 8 hours a day, 5 days a week)
  • i earn approx $7000 a summer
  • this pays my tuition.
  • only.
  • it does not pay for: books, clothes, rent, utilities, groceries, vacations, dinners/drinks, application fees, concerts, printing papers, student fees, exam centre fees, gas/transportation, or the internet ...
jul 28 2016 ∞
jul 28 2016 +

em $17.50 for players ticket joelle 35 for players tix

apr 18 2016 ∞
mar 6 2018 +
  • by the way, did you wake up super early to clean the bathrooms? you are so weird
  • my mom said I could [eat cornflakes for dinner]
dec 7 2015 ∞
jan 20 2016 +
  • one of the supervisors at work is so cute and so flirty, and once we were all walking to a party together and he played me a beautiful song as we walked and i was so drunk and intoxicated by being near him and it was lovely.
  • a boy asked if he could buy me a drink and i let him. we almost kissed before my friends decided i was too drunk to make my own decisions.
  • ben and i went back to his house the day after his birthday, and he offered me some leftover birthday cake. we were both high, and we watched america's funniest home videos and talked loudly over top of them late at night until three am. whenever he looked at me, he smiled so fondly i couldn't help the heartbreak every time. when i asked him what we were watching, he said, "i don't know, i was only paying attention to you."
jan 17 2015 ∞
dec 28 2017 +
  • someday you will not be such a big sadness
  • it is okay if all you did today was breathe
  • you are not broken
  • you are human
  • it is okay to be lost. you are content to be lost
  • you will become an adult one day
  • you have your whole lifetime to figure everything out
  • you are loved
  • when you can't walk you crawl, and when you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you
  • feed the good wolf
  • create something new
  • don't try so hard to sing to someone else's tune. you don't know it. make up your own
  • life is about creative reproduction. cont...
nov 10 2013 ∞
nov 28 2014 +
  • blood bank by bon iver
  • dog is dead
  • kodaline (album title?)
  • alt-j and born ruffians
  • milky chance
  • trumpets - jason derulo
jul 7 2013 ∞
apr 4 2016 +
  • in fifth grade, i wanted a paper route, but instead my brother gave me a job walking the neighbour's dog. he was a sweet old dog with a bit of a wheeze when he ran. we would walk for four blocks and he'd be done
  • i started babysitting in grade eight, for a next door neighbour whose kid was in third grade. she was a nice kid, but i let her stay up past her bedtime and her parents never invited me back
  • i watched two kids every monday night for two hours while their parents were at a yoga class. they almost always slept the entire time. once, one woke up and i read him stories until he fell asleep again.
  • i babysit those same kids now every few weeks. we watch a movie and run around the house and dance and play hide-and-seek.
  • i applied for a job with the city the summer i turned sixteen because i was too yo...
mar 24 2013 ∞
nov 15 2015 +
  • the swan princess realized that she preferred flight to her prince and left him
aug 3 2016 ∞
aug 3 2016 +

Language poetry

  • "Shadows add depth / by falling" - Armantrout, "Single Most"
  • "Two people in a room, both of / them me" - Benson, "Blue Book 42"
  • "At first we loved because / we startled one another" & "the bouquet you made of / doorknobs, long nails for / their stems sometimes / bring happiness" - Armantrout, "Tone"
  • "Each sentence bent toward the sun." - Silliman, "Tjanting"
sep 27 2018 ∞
sep 27 2018 +
  • when i was fifteen my mom played a youtube video of bobcaygeon for me and all i could think was how strange you looked, twitching all over stage, every inch of your body performing
  • you loved music like it kept you alive and maybe it did
  • i grew up listening to your music and there's something about the way your voice unfilters the beauty of the world so i can see more clearly
  • "i saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time" is such a beautiful line
  • the way you made me proud to be canadian and proud to be from toronto, the way you made me see my city as though its ordinary traffic lights were important as though there was beauty and grace in every moment of the subway door chime, the way you make me miss my home
oct 19 2017 ∞
oct 31 2017 +
  • usually thanksgiving is a time to think about how lucky you are to have family and friends but I am just feeling it a lot more than usual this year bc my thanksgiving was so rough
  • thnk u 2 to all the doctors and nurses and paramedics and hospital staff who worked through thanksgiving so I could go home to my family
  • thank you to s.o who got her sister to drive me to the hospital in kingston and who held my hand through 5 needle pricks as they tried to get an IV in even though needles make her faint. Thank you for driving me to fill up my prescription afterward and for staying in the hospital with me even though you needed to leave early the next morning and drive seven hours. You are an amazing friend
  • thank you to antibiotics (I've been on 4 kinds since wednesday) and antinausea med...
oct 8 2017 ∞
oct 8 2017 +
  • "i should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom i knew so well."
  • "we must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinte expectation of the dawn, which does not foresake us in our soundest sleep."
  • "i have, as it were, my own sun and moon and stars, and a little world all to myself."
  • "this whole earth which we inhabit is but a point in space. how far apart, think you, dwell the two most distant inhabitants of yonder star, the breadth of whose disk cannot be appreciated by our instruments? why should i feel lonely? is not our planet in the milky way?"
  • "i left the woods for as good a reason as i went there. perhaps it seemed to me that i had several more lives to live, and ...
dec 5 2015 ∞
dec 5 2015 +
  • to build a home (cinematic orchestra)
  • the interstellar theme (hans zimmer)
  • into the west from the lord of the rings soundtrack (annie lennox)
  • time (hans zimmer)
  • arrival of the birds (cinematic orchestra)
  • higher love (james vincent mcmorrow)
nov 15 2015 ∞
jan 20 2016 +
  • do you still worry about how the world will end?
  • when you play super smash bros., do you still insist upon being link every time?
  • will we still be a bit in love in ten years?
  • do you regret letting me in?
  • did he ever tell you what we did after? did he ever tell me i was his like you were mine once?
  • how many hearts have you broken since mine?
  • can your fingers still feel where i left love bites, do you still feel my arms wrapped across your back, do you wish to remember us buried in each other's lives the way i still do
  • is forgiveness a private or public act?
  • did i hurt you when i left?
  • where?
aug 16 2015 ∞
nov 16 2015 +
  • money is best used to make someone else's day
  • baking for someone else is a form of love
  • self-love means letting yourself hate a boy who used you
  • people are always willing to trust you are telling the truth so long as you aren't
  • hating your body is not the way you should live your life
  • boys always shoot their nudes at that one angle that makes their dicks look as big as a tree, what's up with that?
  • making a connection is easy if you smile and make other people laugh
  • caring is the first step to being important in someone's life
  • you are a crucial part of the universe. if you stopped being, the world wouldn't function the way it is meant to anymore
jan 25 2014 ∞
nov 15 2015 +
  • i bite my nails
  • i'm insecure but i'm insecure about being insecure so i never talk about anything i'm worried about (except in a joking manner)
  • i have some kind of ocd thing about picking at my skin; it's really bad i need to stop
  • i get really busy and then i get stressed because i'm so busy
  • i'm a terrible procrastinator
  • i can't say no
  • i'm terrible at texting back
  • i'm awful at asking for help or acknowledging my own feelings
  • i use people when i am lonely for comfort
jan 25 2014 ∞
may 11 2016 +

misc.

  • it's not a fact, it's a feeling
  • im an adult
  • for ambrose, still lost in the funhouse
  • we are the birds who stay - emily dickinson
  • nothing nature doesn't touch
  • against the dying of the light

love

  • you make me want to be human again -i.m
  • it was always half invented, but the other half was good
  • "everyone's in love and flowers pick themselves" - ee cummings
  • ive been saving all my summers for you
  • unbearable fondness

world

  • there are stars and stars and stars - j.a.b.
dec 5 2013 ∞
oct 31 2017 +
  • to find love somewhere without looking for it
  • to eat ice cream all the time and still feel warm
  • to fall asleep each night and sleep dead until the morning
  • more hours in the day for reading
  • enough money to buy dessert wine for each night of the week
  • more hours of that fifteen minute stretch when the sun's going down and changing the contours of your face into shadowy regions (like the shadowlands in the lion king haha)
  • to be in love with every person in my life so i never get bored of it
  • to be able to open my mouth and tell someone everything truthfully for no reason except that it's the truth and i want them to know it (even when it's boring)
  • to make sure my mom never worries about m...
mar 24 2013 ∞
may 11 2016 +
  • banff (a hike where i injured my hip and limped the whole time. the hot springs. horseback riding with my young cousin who wore his cowboy boots and hat the whole time)
  • buffalo (a powwow, cheering my dad on in a race, the most beautifully beaded suncatcher)
  • calgary (nose hill) (talking to my grandmother about her growing up)
  • cape breton island (a moose with a patchy mustache)
  • charlottetown (a family of fox cubs hiding from raindrops, a beach with red sand, lm montgomery's house)
  • grandbend (watching laundry dry, an old-styled restaurant with malts and hotdogs, little play houses in the front)
  • guelph (a lost football game)
  • halifax (a big muddy hill, the ferry, prawns for dinner)
mar 24 2013 ∞
may 11 2016 +
  • "That is, in prose you start with the world / and find the words to match; in poetry you start / with the words and find the world in them."

-- "Dysraphism," from All the Whiskey in Heaven by Charles Bernstein

dec 14 2018 ∞
dec 14 2018 +
  • love never solves all your problems
  • knowing someone else can help you know yourself
  • you can love someone and they can still be bad for you
  • you can hold someone every night your whole life and not know them
  • comfort is independent of time
  • there is no part of you that is unlovable
nov 17 2017 ∞
mar 6 2018 +
  • there's nothing i can say to change the way it happened
  • or that it happened more than once
  • that i still haven't said anything to any of these people but i still think about it sometimes
  • when i said no but it didn't mean enough to overpower him telling me i wanted it
  • when i didn't say no but i didn't say yes and how i thought about whether this counted as an assault because afterward he said sorry
  • because he was drunk and irresponsible and i don't blame him because i didn't say no, how did i not say no?
  • how many other times were there where i just wanted to stop, wanted someone to notice i wasn't sure i wanted what they wanted, what they were doing
  • things move too fast and no one ever asks, "is this okay" often enough
oct 17 2017 ∞
oct 17 2017 +
  • "i wish everyone would just leave the pool so we could cuddle" at work that one time
  • when you sent me the video of the song line "you got me laughing all of the time" while you were super high that one time
  • "i wanna snuggle the shit outta your ass for 20 minutes before i have to go"
  • "we have to have a real talk: you need to get instagram because there are so many cute dog memes i wanna tag you in"
  • "so i forget, did i ask you if we're boyfriend and girlfriend?"
  • i'm pretty sure you said you thought you loved me one time
  • "if it was anyone but you i wouldn't try long distance again"
  • "youre pretty selfless which isn't always the best call but"
  • "i don't know i would like you as much if you were normal. i love the weird"
aug 29 2017 ∞
feb 26 2018 +
  • you take up all the sparkle in the room
  • sitting next to you is my favourite thing
  • i love the sound of your voice
  • you make me feel special
  • loving you is easy
  • I want to be there for you
  • there is nothing you can say to make me stop loving you
  • I love it when you tell me how you're feeling
  • you make me feel safe
  • I like sharing things with you. you make my load lighter
aug 3 2016 ∞
may 3 2017 +
  • what is my favourite song? (re: high school, ask martha, atl: girls a straight-up hustler)
  • what is my favourite colour?
  • what name do i use to refer to my youngest sister, always?
  • what is my favourite animal?
  • who is my favourite authors (you get points for any 1/3: Tamora Pierce, John Steinbeck, Michael Ondaatje)
  • what is my favourite ttc subway station? (summerville/rosedale)
  • what is my favourite movie? (a christmas story, or boyhood, or the avengers)
  • what is my favourite tv show? (buffy the vampire slayer, or firefly)
  • how many siblings do I have?
  • what is my favourite vegetable? (Corn or brussel sprouts)
  • what is my favourite movie scene ever? (the part of mamma mia where all the guys d...
apr 8 2016 ∞
aug 3 2016 +
  • all creatures great and small
dec 17 2015 ∞
dec 18 2015 +
  • baby beluga (raffi)
  • of angels and angles (the decemberists)
  • work song (hozier)
  • the blackfly song (?)
  • you ain't going nowhere (joan baez)
  • byplane evermore (will millar)
  • puff the magic dragon
  • northwest passage (stan rogers)
  • quelqu'un ma dit (carla bruni)
nov 15 2015 ∞
feb 1 2016 +
  • from my older brother: never expect anything less from the universe than absolute love
  • from my younger brother: being stubborn isn't about making other people like you, but about staying true to your own devices
  • from my mother: if you hold all your sadness inside for long enough, you can keep anyone else from holding it too tightly
  • from my father: if you are distant, be bold enough to love distantly. if you cannot tell someone you love them, make them know they are loved anyway.
  • also from my father: if you play something with passion, you can pick it up a year later and love it just as much as if you had never played it before
  • from my oldest stepsister: if you keep telling the universe who you are, eventually it will listen
nov 5 2015 ∞
may 3 2017 +
  • there are no mythological gods or goddesses who are going to show up and save you like there are in Midsummer Night's Dream or any of a dozen Shakespeare plays
  • i'm actually just in a long distance relationship with the city of toronto and the summertime but it's okay because the sex isn't very good
  • having a good night is worth being exhausted the next day, always
  • being the hero of your own story doesnt mean you have to go it alone
jan 30 2014 ∞
nov 9 2015 +
  • much ado about nothing
  • lars and the real girl
  • the secret life of walter mitty
  • the sword in the stone (disney)
  • eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
  • song of the sea
  • the mission impossibles
  • trainwreck
  • me before you
  • le petit prince
  • how to be single

+ shows:

  • elementary
  • agents of shield
  • the mindy project
  • gravity falls
  • star vs the forces of evil
  • cowboy beebop
  • jane the virgin
jul 8 2013 ∞
may 3 2017 +
  • nora (a doll's house) - chooses to put self-worth in front of any societal judgments of her leave-taking
  • ophelia (hamlet) - an example of the destruction societal limitations can bring to a character
  • emilia (othello) - is she iago's tragic flaw?
  • othello - is love othello's tragic flaw? (according to iago)
  • elizabeth bishop: fictional vs autobiographical
  • jiko, nao's grandmother and the art of finding purpose in simplicity. planting gardens and meditating, showing love and respect to all things (my grandmother is like this)
  • for ambrose, who is probably still lost in the funhouse
  • caitlin from david vann's aquarium who is so beautiful in her trust and her love, ...
apr 18 2013 ∞
jan 20 2016 +
  • butter chicken (if this isn't on your list, you're missing out)
  • samosas
  • avocado/tomato/cheese sandwiches
  • corn flakes
  • pad thai (mom's, or from wok-in at princess & clergyish??)
  • pho
  • kimchi fries from banh mi boys
  • mushrooms w/ cheese melted on top
  • korean barbeque
  • mexican-style cactus
  • cupcakes from the limestone cupcake place on princess
  • thai curry from silk at keele & dundas
jul 8 2013 ∞
apr 5 2016 +
  • when i was eight, i lifted my little brother off the piano bench and it fell on my toe, which swelled up. eventually the toenail fell off.
  • i skated into a chair and had to get four stitches in my chin.
  • i fell on the ice and my mom skated over my fingers. they got swollen i guess but to be honest i don't remember much of it. eventually the fingernails fell off, but they're okay today. we didn't even go to the hospital that time.
  • the first day i had handbrakes on my bike i went down the driveway and crashed into the neighbour's car at the bottom. my fingernail turned red and hurt. later, it fell off; same old, same old.
  • while visiting my grandma in bc, a neighbour slammed the car door on my hand. the nail changed colour, and my aunt tried to reassure me by telling me it looked like...
mar 24 2013 ∞
nov 16 2015 +
  • "still flying"
  • "deepwooded heart"
  • the roaring alongside he takes for granted / and that every so often the world is bound to shake -e.b.
  • the world is a mist. and then the world is / minute and vast and clear -e.b.
  • the millions of grains are black, white, tan, and gray / mixed with quartz grains, rose and amethyst - e.b.
  • we carry our families like anchors, rooting us in storms -a.h
  • how good it was that people, like houses, had frames and that those frames could be so beautiful. - alice hoffman
  • even our bones will fall - marilynne robinson
  • interior love poem - m.o.
  • sadness =/= sadness
  • he wishes to be quoted as saying, at present, "Half is enough" - eb
mar 24 2013 ∞
oct 19 2017 +

tumblr user rippedfishnets was asked this question: "Why do you hate yourself?" and answered with, "Because I know myself best." I'm afraid of being as honest as she is.

may 25 2013 ∞
jan 24 2014 +