As some of you might know I've been attempting to write erotica. You probably also know that I am, in fact, a total boner assassin. So this is my list of words I've refrained from using for genitals even when the temptation was strong (which it always is)

• Badger hole
• Junk
• Wiener
• Boner
• Fun bags
• Skag hole (ah, Borderlands, how I miss you)
• "I'm going to tear up your skag pile" (more a phrase for sex actually. Also based on marathon Borderlands play)
• Wang
• Meat curtains
• Man business
• Quivering member

• I've recently started to worry that someone will sneak into my bedroom while I'm having sex and impale my love and I mid-coitus like bugs on a pin. I spend most of every missionary encounter peering over his shoulder and keeping watch. Just in case.
• I refuse to look in any mirrors at night.
• I'm still somewhat sure that at some point monster hands will reach from under my bed and grab my ankles.
• I worry that I'll get that rare condition that calcifies your bones until you become permanently frozen inside of your body.
• I refuse to discuss the not so real things I'm scared of in case a psycho decides to torture me using those very things against me. (Good luck being scarier than my imaginary mirror horrors, nameless psych...

I stayed up to the wee hours last night watching 90s themed flicks. As I was watching Reality Bites I was reminded of how I bought the soundtrack and then proceeded to listen to it nonstop for months. I realized that I've done that several times over the years. So here's a list of movies with soundtracks I bought and loved.

• Reality Bites
• American Pie
• Road Trip
• RENT (this one feels sort of cheaty since it was a musical, but I'm still counting it)
• Dirty Dancing
• The Faculty
• Clueless
• Empire Records
• Angus
• Dangerous Minds
• Disturbing Behavior

I'm a simple girl. It doesn't take a whole lot to make my day. These are some of the things that put a smile on my face.

• Writing
• Working in my art journal
• Watching anything on VH1
• Summer evenings
• Reading in the bathtub
• Swimming
• Ice skating
• Meeting new people
• Fan mail
• Twitter
• Comments on my blog
• Making people laugh
• Getting achievements on video games (I'm a total achievement whore)
• Buying an indie book from an author I know
• When my love kisses the back of my neck and especially when he spoons me even when...

• Buy a house
• Go on a cruise
• Make a music video with T Pain. I can't sing, but that's what the autotuner is for
• Own a summer home. Where doesn't matter, it's a summer home, yo
• Buy a van with those awesome fold down seats
• Drive a segway to check my mail every day
• Buy a sassy pink Vespa
• Travel more
• Set aside a budget just for buying indie books I'll probably never read to give someone who's just starting out a sales boost
• Have all kinds of adventures (I won't skydive, but stuff LIKE skydiving)

This list will be an ongoing effort as more people annoy or piss me off.

• Megan Fox- She's a dead eyed robot who ruins every movie she's in
• Angelina Jolie- How she managed to wreck a marriage and still come out if looking like a saint baffles me
• Donald Trump- I'd punch him so hard his pompadour would deflate
• People famous for having tons of babies- Congrats, you successfully had sex and reproduced. Instead of stopping at one or two like a normal person you spawned a litter like an animal, but I don't see a lot of cats getting reality show contracts. Why is this so interesting to people?
• Lady Gaga- Quit with the effin' voice overs in stupid accents at the beginning of all your songs. If it doesn't matter if it's about capital HIM then why the hell are you talking about it?

• Traveled to NYC
  • Rode a New York subway alone
  • Ate real NY pizza
  • Saw a Broadway show (Chicago)
  • Rode the Staten Island ferry
  • Went ice skating like in the ding dang movies!
• Traveled to Vegas
• Saw Mount Rushmore
• Crossed the Canadian border
• Ate at every buffet place between Kansas and North Dakota
• Had a love/hate relationship with cutting my bangs
• Road a segway
• Took a ride in a hot air balloon
• Went to a rafting festival at the river
• Visited a pumpkin patch
• Went to a really inauthentic Ren Fest
• Celebrated my 1 year anniversary with my ...

• cheat on my love
• sleep with a friend's man
• kill a person (I'm pretty sure if I were ever in a self defense situation, I'd be screwed because I just can't imagine myself EVER being able to kill someone)
• hesitate to donate my organs
• choose my safety over a child's safety
• deny gays the right to marry
• recommend the Twilight books to anyone
• pass on a chance to meet Seth Green
• forget where I come from (I know some people come from nothing and get crazy when they make some money, but not this girl. I guarantee you that if I were ever to become a mega bestselling author, I'd still be hanging out on Twitter talking about herpes and zombies. I'd just be doing it in a house with an inground pool- which is, in my mind, the surest sign of having made it.)

I wonder sometimes what the minions will remember about their childhoods since they spend most of their time watching TV or playing video games. So I thought I'd list some of the ways that my summers were superior.

• Going to the "lease" several weekends a summer with my grandmother and fishing and swimming in the several ponds on the property.
• How grandma never remembered to bring water so we always had to sip her beer.
• My cousin telling the that touching a fish head would give me stomach worms 8 feet long.
• Another cousin telling me that the ponds had leeches. That was the last time I ever went swimming at the lease. :*(
• Spending a week every summer with yet another cousin.
• Running the house down the alley that ran...

As easy as it is to make me happy, it's just as easy to get on my bad side. Pet peeves, I haz them.

• People who are total assholes and treat it like it's a point of pride to be a "bitch". Sorry friend, you're just a tactless douche. You probably shouldn't be so quick to brag about it.
• Women who lack any identity of their own online and take on names like "Mommyof10brats" or "Brandon'sCoDependantWifey". I can't take that seriously, I'm sorry. I don't want to be friends with a wife or mother, I want to meet real 3 dimensional people.
• People who ask for advice and then come up with a million reasons why every suggestion sucks. If you spent that much energy thinking about your own problem, you'd surely have a list of suggestions.
• The fact Seth Green is married. I mean sh...

• Seth Green

I read a complaint the other day that someone was tired of reading food similes to describe a different ethnicity. These are just some that popped into my head and I thought I'd write them down.

• Almost shaped eyes
• Skin the color of:
  • Mocha
  • Honey
  • Cream
  • Milk
  • Cafe au lait
  • Toffee
  • Chocolate (Super Chocolate Bear... Adorable, squee!)
• Eyes the color of:
  • Coffee
  • Expresso
  • Hot chocolate

These are the things I'd collect if money weren't a factor.

• scarves
• bangle bracelets
• Fiestaware dishes
• 80's My Little Ponies (NOT these 2000 era fails)
• Washi tape
• Copic markers
• 50's style day dresses
• graphic t shirts
• ball joint dolls
• camera lenses
• toy cameras
• magazine subscriptions (some just to cut up for collages)
• DVDs of TV shows
• artwork from my favorite artists
• antique furniture
• vintage fabrics
• dies for my die cut machine

• Janeane Garofalo- I first became aware of her in The Truth About Cats and Dogs. That's when I realized that she's the most amazing woman to ever live. I could listen to her rant in deadpan snark for the rest of my life.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt- I don't like her much as a person or an actress, but let's face it... if ever there was a pair of breasts begging to be motor-boated, that's them.
• Queen Latifah- I don't know. I just admire the hell out of her.
• Courtney Cole- She's not only a talented writer, but a super sweet and amazing person in real life. If you have the opportunity to talk to her, you should do it.
• Alicia Silverstone- Only in Clueless though.
• Rosie O'Donnell- Before she decided she was a militant lesbian. Her earlier stand ...

• Never trust a big butt and a smile- Poison, Bell Biv Devoe
• Fuck trees, I climb buoys motherfucker- I'm on a Boat, Lonely Island
• Actually just add the entirety of I'm on a Boat. Love it!
• If I didn't smell so good would you still hug me?- 21 Questions, 50 Cent
• The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly- Vanilla Twilight, Owl City

So you read my book, I Wish... and you loved it. How can you help my fledgling indie writing career and show your support of my book? Let me give you a list of ways.

• Word of mouth- The best thing you can do for any product you love is tell your friends. Tell them in forums, on your blog, Twitter, in person. Any way you can communicate your love for something works great.
• Write a review- Reviews are like currency for indie writers. It let’s other potential readers know that people are reading and enjoying the book and makes it easier for them to decide to buy the book. You can post a review on your blog, the book seller’s site (Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc…), reading sites like GoodReads. Or cross post your review on all of them. It’s an awesome gesture and so so SO...

• Move to Maryland and reunite with my friend and partner in crime
  • Avoid being arrested
• Start making a monthly photo montage. Like a calender, only cuter!
• Publish I Wish...
• Stick to my publication schedule
• Maintain a consistent presence on my blog and social networking sites (I will not retreat into the nerdcave)
• Go to a writer's conference... specific one to be determined at some point in the future
• Read & review at last 5 indie books a month
• Be brave enough to ask to write guest posts on other people's blogs
• Travel more
• Appreciate the blessings in my life every day