dear andrew,

i'm not quite sure why i decided that using your name and not using saturn's name was alright, but i guess i'll just stick with it because it feels right. i should probably be referring to you as mr. (name) to be respectful and whatever, but it feel so much more intimate and special to use your first name, if that makes any sense? it lets me pretend i knew you personally. it makes my attachment to you feel more real, more genuine, more substantial than just some silly little crush. but in all fairness, it was just a silly little crush. i never actually learned anything of substance about you, only surface level details anyone could have found out about you. it's not fair. i wish i could have known you. to be frank, i miss you. a lot. and it's like a knife in the heart, twisting and twisting and twisting every time i see you. i noticed you switched cars. i kinda miss that old beaten up pick up truck you drove last year. it was pretty... in it's own special way. i have an eye shadow the exact same colour as it. it's called champagne something, i think. i don't know. never mind, i just searched it up- it's called cutesy. huh. i could have sworn it was called champagne something. doesn't really matter. your new car is the same colour as my favourite eyeliner, but that doesn't feel as special anymore. last year i was kinda able to tune out the fact that you had a wife and kids, but this year i just can't. especially when you keep coming to school with that fucking pink water bottle. for me, that was the most tangible piece of evidence of your lifelong commitment. till death do you two part. i'm happy for you, i really am. but i'm allowed to be jealous. because i'm just a teenage girl. i can feel however the fuck i want. i'm allowed to cry as much as i want, and bitch about unfairness all i want. because guess what- you'll never ever know about any of this. i miss seeing you all the time. i really do. every day at 11:30, i take a walk, and purposefully pass you by the parking lot. pretty pathetic, but i don't give a shit. i kinda just wanna see you, but mostly i want you to see me. (attention whore, but whatever.) that's all i ever wanted. i just wanted you to see me.

love, olivia