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  • "This isn't beer!" -Melisa
  • "I don't like pussy!" -Melisa
  • "Fuck you guys. I have a wet, white ball. I will not lose." -Melisa, during beer pong
  • "Who just turned me on?" -Melisa, when I tickled her
  • "I do not have a roast beef pussy. And it is not purple. I have a great vagina." -Melisa
  • "Jenna and Brandy have seen my tits. And Charlie and Jonah. And they're kind of a big deal. Literally." -Melisa
  • "I just smoked this from the lit end." -Melisa
  • "Jeff, please don't judge me, but my butthole isn't bleached." -Melisa
  • "Please stop calling me a dick. You're hurting my feelings." -Jeff, to a lesbian
  • "I will suck you off like there's no tomorrow. I want you to come... visit." -Melisa, drunk dialing on New Year's
  • dialogue
    • Melisa: People have seen my tits, and there's a picture.
    • Me: I could never.
    • Melisa: That's what I thought, but wait till you're 24.
  • "I can ignore the testicles, but I can't ignore the number one enemy: sperm." -Jenna
  • "I can have sex with a guy maybe twice a year, but that's my limit." -Jenna
  • "Holy shit. Fucking wanna tell the whole world I'm playing Golf." -Eric, turning down his cell phone volume
  • dialogue
    • Don: Get him whatever he wants.
    • Guy: Iced green tea.
    • Don: (apalled) You're supposed to be off defending our country in Afghanistan and you want tea? Drink some damn coffee.
  • "However you were raised is not reality." -Tom, to me
  • "I'm not allowed to pee." -Monica
  • "I'm gonna take your nipple and put it in your butthole." -Monica
  • dialogue
    • Daniel: You wouldn't like a whipped cream facial?
    • Me: No, of course not. Do you see how bad my skin is right now?
    • Daniel: It looks good enough for that guy to ask for your number.
  • "I don't think Kailey ever learned how to be human." -Tom
  • "Kelly is brain damaged. I heard her say it." -Daniel
  • dialogue
    • Me: I want something sweet. Can I have a vanilla bean scone?
    • Taylor: That's all you want?
    • Me: For now. I want something to nibble on. I'm feeling squirrelly.
  • "Guys, I think I did a bad thing." -Bree, referring to me dying of laughter over a chair
  • dialogue
    • Justine: Grande, Mr. Wade?
    • Wade: Could you? I'm not insisting. I'm very flexible, as long as I get what I want.
  • "A piece of advice: you're on your half. Don't go anywhere near the Duty Roster. I'm on the clock: I'm gonna sit back here." -Daniel
  • dialogue
    • Justine: Does Callie like your hair, Daniel?
    • Daniel: I hope so. She cut it.
  • "So he opens the door for her and goes, 'Get in there, you little slut,' and she goes, 'Hehehehe.'" -Amber
  • dialogue
    • Me: I just found out he went to my high school. We were in the same year. I never saw him!
    • Danielle: That's because he's a creep. He probably saw you, though.
  • "I have to tell you what I thought when you walked in: Oh my gosh! Crystal out in the daylight? She's not a vampire?" -Sydney
  • dialogue
    • Me: I almost went downtown by myself.
    • Bree: No, don't do that. You're a cute Asian girl. You'll totally get your face ripped off.
  • dialogue
    • Abby: What a jerk.
    • Me: He can actually be really sweet.
    • Sofia: That's the worst kind of guy because you see someone nobody else does and no one believes you.
  • "Stand up like good Christian people and go to the bar." -drag show host at Revolution
  • dialogue
    • Drag Show Host: Oh! You're Asian. (bows) Konnichiwa. I love Asians. (bows) Mitsubishi Eclipse. Where are you from?
    • Me: I'm Korean.
    • Drag Show Host: (bows) Barbecue.
  • "Wait, the only two hot superchicks couldn't finagle a ride for this thing? None of your single guy friends?" -Bree's mom
  • "My wife keeps taking my free drink coupons. (under breath) Bitch." -Starbucks customer
  • dialogue
    • Blain: You're going to be the new face of Starbucks. (gesturing to logo) Can you hold your arms out like that?
    • Taylor: Actually, I think those are her legs.
    • Blain: Well, I'm not going to comment on that.
  • text
    • Jamie: I'm hungry for more than apples but spending all my money going out for drinks with coworkers instead of on groceries... Whoops...
    • Me: hahaha. i'm afraid that'll be me soon.
    • Jamie: Start thinking about what 1/3 of your regular groceries you could live without in order to afford the more important essentials. ;)
  • "I've only seen him on Saturday Night Live." -Sydney, referring to Mitt Romney
  • dialogue, of a Starbucks customer trying to give away an iced passion tea
    • Customer #1: Don't let the pink scare you.
    • Customer #2: What's in it?
    • Customer #1: Passion.
  • "Look! Look! That guy over there. Looks like a guy Crystal would want to bang." -Von, to Bree
  • dialogue, taking a drive thru order
    • Kailey: I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time hearing you. There's a really horrible noise.
    • Starbucks Customer: Yeah, that's my car.
  • "It's country to me." -Jamie, referring to New Port Richey
  • "Wait, we're talking about healthcare. Can we please talk about clothes or something?" -Abby
  • "She doesn't look healthy to me. She looks like an anchovy: long and skinny." -Mother, referring to Iesl
  • dialogue
    • Erin: Mocha frappuccino?
    • Me: And strawberries and creme.
    • Erin: Suck my ass.
    • Me: Uh, I don't know you that well.
    • Erin: It would be the highlight of your life.
  • "Crystal likes cards. Giving them and receiving them and collecting them. But she doesn't like Justin Bieber cards." -Monica
  • "I'd rather go skydiving or get my blood taken." -Jamie, referring to all-nighters
  • "There's three naked guys on my roof?" -Jason
  • "Yo, watch yourself. Don't kill yourself." -Jason
  • "Oh my god, there are three naked guys doing backflips into my pool." -Jason
  • "We're queer and proud!" -three naked guys, jumping from roof
  • "New rule: Whoever's in the backyard has to be naked." -Jason, after which the three naked guys start clawing at him and drag him into the pool
  • dialogue
    • Christian: I don't eat a lot of dairy. Dairy and bread.
    • Kailey: Are you trying to lose weight?
  • "I totally got Alejandro to crack up about something. I think it was a penis." -Brittany
  • "I hate Justin Bieber for no reason. I love Lady Gaga." -Mother
  • "Black dude wearing black clothes at night? Same reason I don't run around naked in daylight." -Zac, almost hitting a biker crossing the road
jan 14 2012 ∞
aug 1 2012 +
user picture vagabond: This is hilarious!! jun 2 2012