- (415): Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
- (404): We still on for Manwhore Monday?
- (214): I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
- (214): and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
- (330): AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
- (1-330): Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
- (716): who do you think you are?
- (407): someone who doesn't ask that question
- (313): sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
- (701): The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
- (617): There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
- (860): I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
- (812): Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
- (513): It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
- (513): But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
- (605): And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
- (870): If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
- (617): Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
- (804): Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
- (617): How was your night?
- (1-617): Good. I made people cry and run home
- (870): We're hate flirting, damnit.
- (303): We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
- (484): Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
- (218): Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
- (513): I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
- (214): come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
- (603): Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
- (812): High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
- (316): Where the hell are you
- (630): If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
- (709): In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
- (509): I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
- (317): The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
- (518): Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
- (513): He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
- (904): Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
- (618): God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
- (1-618): I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
- (602): Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
- (661): I know! I’m the best!
- (513): He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
- (201): that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
- (303): He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
- (407): Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
- (260): Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
- (253): Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
- (201): i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
- (330): i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
- (248): He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
- (630): We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
- (843): Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
- (330): The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
- (907): Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
- (201): she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
- (973): omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
- (404): I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
- (404): I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
- (763): Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
- (801): Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
- (727): You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
- (920): I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
- (870): had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
- (815): My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
- (404): I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
- (727): Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
- (253): That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
- (813): I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
- (316): I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
- (317): The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
- (1-317): Do you even hear yourself?
- (310): How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
- (210): Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
- (310): Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
- (413): I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
- (727): We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
- (202): The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
- (208): It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
- (305): I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
- (702): Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
- (317): Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
- (907): Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
- (517): I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
- (734): I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
- (830): Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience
- (708): I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
- (406): I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
- (406): I need an aspirin and some dignity.
- (516): I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
- (212): Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
- (202): I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
- (212): The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
- (815): I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
- (1-815): I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
- (317): I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
- (305): Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
- (951): You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
- (512): Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
- (1-512): I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
- (808): What did you delete my number or something
- (206): Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
- (801): I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
jan 21 2024 ∞
jan 21 2024 +