- (502): Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
- (703): maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.(859): i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
- (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog
- (916): put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
- (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
- (313): I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.(734): What'd you do?(313): Its more like what im about to do.
- (734): I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
- (918): Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
- (603): I puked a lego.
- (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets
- (480): Lets date for the summer(815): what?(480): Dont love me in September.
- (760): ...so i touched it.
- (561): You drink too much(1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
- (316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
- (503): We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?(509): Places.(503): Plural? Please tell.
- (805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
- (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
- (339): That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
- (607): So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
- (480): she looked like the bat from fern gully.
- (864): sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
- (714): I think I am morally bankrupt
- (917): I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.(518): Huh?(917): I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
- (508): Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
- (313): I am in shape. i keep telling you that.(1-313): Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
- (305): i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
- (512): Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
- (310): I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited...
- (916): I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
- (503): we made out on top of his cat
- (248): I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
- (919): I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
- (843): did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity
- (612): life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
- (951): hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
- (520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
- (704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.(803): Genius.
- (915): dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
- (845): im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
- (256): I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
- (816): if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
- (303): and next time when you feel me up, do it right
- (617): I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
- (914): She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet
- (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
- (313): sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
- (716): who do you think you are?(407): someone who doesn't ask that question
- (503): I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
- (717): this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
- (219): I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
- (530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
- (408): i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
- (301): I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
- (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night?(904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?(850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
- (262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
- (269): dude she's married.(1-269): so? a ring don't cover no holes.
- (870): Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
- (813): If you die in college, do you die in real life?
- (662): An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
- (608): Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
- (610): then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
- 313): I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
- (617): So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
- (714): Being a girl sucks.(949): Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
- (720): we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons (adrienne)
- (914): There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
- (614): I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
- (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
- (507): Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
- (415): Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
- (937): i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
- (504): i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
- (615): If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
- (785): This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
- (510): I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
- (937): bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
- (724): If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
- (845): i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
- (304): I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
- (814): Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
- (541): you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
- (781): I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
- (601): Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
- (267): You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
- (937): I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
- (509): We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
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- (202): im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
may 12 2009 ∞
apr 18 2011 +