⸻⠀ what did you like as a kid?

• animals (horses, wolves, dogs, dragons.) i didn’t like humans, unless they had wings. hawkgirl n this scene from x-men lived rent-free in my mind. i also loved the batman beyond series n cygnus hyoga. my favourite superheroes were ghost rider n beastboy (i once had a fight w another kid because of him.)
• this song was my personal anthem for a very long time.

⸻⠀ how was your personality as a kid?

• quiet n very observant.
• emotionally cold.
• yapper (still am; just shy.)
• liked to take pictures as fun, spontaneous memories.
• curious abt new things n loved to learn anything new.
• judgmental at first, but accepting of change; understanding.
• competitive, but silent.
• rage harbour.
• against the grain for no reason at all.
• liked thrilling games n hide-n-seek.
• adored to run (n jump through debris.)
• didn’t mind to share (actually loved to share.)
• always strived to use the least possible amount of energy to do anything ever.

⸻⠀ how is your actual voice?

• w.i.p

⸻⠀ who are you when there’s no audience (including yours)?

• punishing yourself is ludicrous. i dont think i deserve punishment.
• i live because i am alive. i dont owe my existence to anyone.
• it’s not about self-love, but to be in peace with oneself.
• i’m a herding dog who grew into a sighthound.
• i just gotta dig a little deeper.
• i can literally, 100% become the best at anything i put my mind to.

⸻⠀ lyrics

• i wanna stand up / i wanna let go / you know, you know / no you don’t, you don’t / i wanna shine on in the hearts of men / i want a meaning from the back of my broken hand / and my affection / well it comes and goes / i need direction to perfection / these changes ain’t changing me / the cold-hearted boy i used to be / you know you gotta help me out / oh don’t you put me on the back burner.
• disappear into the night / lost shadows left behind / obsession’s pulling me / fading, i’ve come to take what’s mine.
• i’m on my knees, i’m praying for a sign / forever, whenever, i never wanna die / i never wanna die, i never wanna die / i’m on my knees, i never wanna die / i’m dancing on my grave, i’m running through the fire / i never wanna leave, i’ll never say goodbye.
• it’s just me, myself and i / dreaming of all these monsters that i’ll never get to fight / and i would fight them if i was half as strong as you / somebody help me, come and give me the strength / ’cause it’s been 20 years (20 years) / and we still have no king / somebody tell me, come and give a sign / if i fight this monster, is it you i’ll find?

⸻⠀ admirable for

• direct communication.
• perseverance n hard work.
• critical thinking skills.
• competitiveness (it’s just envy.)
• intelligence (not wisdom.)
• art skills n artistic/abstract thought.
• caligraphy.

⸻⠀ don’t hurt yourself

• pulling all-nighters.
• eating the insides of my mouth.
• picking my fingernails to the point of bleeding/hurting.
• being careless w knives.
• taking insults as facts n prophecies.
• hating myself to excellence.
• procrastinating out of fear.
• feeling guilty when i’m right.
• exhaustively trying to read myself as a perfect machine.
• trying to look “cool” based on my own biases n losing myself on idealised personas that are not even close to who i actually am.
• pushing myself to be someone i’m not because “ppl couldn’t possibly love me as i am.”

⸻⠀ envy records, aka only child syndrome

• standard-beauty men (6’0ft, lean, fair-skinned w dark, straight hair.)
• super dark, black irises.
• ppl who do literally nothing to be loved n yet, are loved.
  • on the same note, ppl who aren’t talented or skilled n are the 1st choice.
• bassists that (seemingly) don’t put any force in their fingers.
• long fingers n nail beds.
• socially apt people.
• parkour athletes.
• ppl who have spatial awareness.
• gift-givers.
• cosplayers w money n time to spare.
• this mediocre guy in my ex-friend group, who’s friendly n has the personality of a pillow case.

⸻⠀ deep dark secrets

• if i dislike a character for no apparent reason, i probably act just like them (but if i find them disgusting, i just hate them fr.)
• i’m pretty overprotective and jealous of what i decide it’s “mine.”
• anger and rage are my favourite emotions to feel, but they’re tiring to use and negative to others.
• the only thing that actually moves me to action is despair or lack of control/power/agency.
• my favourite dog breeds are chihuahuas and shepherds.
• i find comfort in messy spaces.
• i hurt my hands more than i think i do.
• i always forgive twice.
• thinkers think they’re awesome feelers, feelers think they’re awesome thinkers, and they’re both oblivious they’re not.
• my girlfriend is pavlovian and very patient.
• i’m emotionally attached to green day for reasons unknown.
• i always cry when i listen to city of tears i hope it’s what i hear in the afterlife.
• i childishly gatekeep cat gifs, tim burton movies, the noragami series, persona games 3 & 5, animal crossing cats (bob, lolly, rosie), genshin impact characters (kazuha, cyno, yaoyao, albedo), sunday from hsr, and everything that comes in a first-aid box.
• i was the “leader” of my childhood friend group.
  • on the same note, i was someone's bully (not proud ofc; it bit me when i got bullied later.)
• i’m awful at recognizing flirting coz i’m super deprived of attention n affection, so i can’t distinguish it.
• once i tried going to elementary school wearing alt makeup but i got scared ppl would judge me.
• once my friend begged me for help n i let her attempt. i had no idea. i do now. i still haven’t forgiven myself. i was a bad friend to amazing people.
• my algebra teacher told me about a dream he had where i would become a military police officer.
• i’m actually good at math if i stop overthinking it.