⸻⠀ how to get back your real personality?

go back to your childhood. how were you when you were younger than seven?

• what did i like as a kid? (toys, characters)
  • animals (horses, wolves, dogs, dragons.) i didn't like humans, unless they were winged ones. hawkgirl n this scene from x-men lived rent-free in my mind. i also loved the batman beyond series.
  • my favourite superheroes were ghost rider n beastboy (i once had a fight w another kid because of him).
  • this song was my personal anthem for a very long time.
• what did i think i wanted to be when i grew up?
  • a cat.
• how was your personality as a kid?
  • quiet n very observant.
  • emotionally cold.
  • liked to take pictures as memories.
  • curious abt new things n loved to learn anything new.
  • judgmental at first, but accepting of change; understanding.
  • competitive.
  • liked thrilling games n hide-n-seek.
  • loved to run.
  • didn't mind to share (actually loved to share).
  • always strived to use the least possible amount of energy to do anything ever.
  • preferred the "different" things instead of what the majority was engaging with, but also "if i want it, it's mine!"

how is your actual voice?

• w.i.p

who are you when there's no audience (including yours)?

• punishing yourself is ludicrous. i dont think i deserve punishment.
• i live because i am alive. i dont owe my existence to anyone.
• it's not about self-love, but to be in peace with oneself.
• fate would've made me a herding dog but i grew into a sighthound.
• i can literally, 100% (with real proof) become the best at anything i put my mind into. the problem is putting my mind into it.

to admire

• admirer of
  • those who are loved n remembered no matter what.
  • those who are always busy.
  • those who have peak frontal lobe capacities.
  • those who are kind despite everything.
  • those who have (and manage) lots of friends.
  • jack of all trades.
  • good speakers.
  • those who are genuine n trust themselves.
  • high-contrast type of beauty.
  • doers.
• admirable for
  • exceptional emotional boundaries.
  • perseverance n hard work.
  • critical thinking skills.
  • ruthless communication (i hate it.)
  • competitiveness.
  • intelligence (not wisdom.)
  • art skills n artistic/abstract thought.

lyrics

• i wanna stand up / i wanna let go / you know, you know / no you don't, you don't / i wanna shine on in the hearts of men / i want a meaning from the back of my broken hand / and my affection / well it comes and goes / i need direction to perfection / these changes ain't changing me / the cold-hearted boy i used to be / you know you gotta help me out / oh don't you put me on the back burner.
• disappear into the night / lost shadows left behind / obsession's pulling me / fading, i've come to take what's mine.
• i'm on my knees, i'm praying for a sign / forever, whenever, i never wanna die / i never wanna die, i never wanna die / i'm on my knees, i never wanna die / i'm dancing on my grave, i'm running through the fire / i never wanna leave, i'll never say goodbye.
• it's just me, myself and i / dreaming of all these monsters that i'll never get to fight / and i would fight them if i was half as strong as you / somebody help me, come and give me the strength / 'cause it's been 20 years (20 years) / and we still have no king / somebody tell me, come and give a sign / if i fight this monster, is it you i'll find?

what if someone was as cruel to you as you are to yourself?

• "why you keep treating me so well?" ⠀—⠀ because i want to.
• "i'm nothing special." ⠀—⠀ everyone is special in their own way.
• "after all i've done to you, you want to stay?" ⠀—⠀ do you want me to go?
• "i don't want to be a burden." ⠀—⠀ you don't get to decide this. people are allowed to choose you.
• "you'll get bored by me." ⠀—⠀ you dont get to decide this!
• "why do you want to spend time with someone like me?" ⠀—⠀ because i like you. i care about you. i miss you. you're important to me as i'm important to you.
• "i don't deserve your time or care..." ⠀—⠀ it's my time, i get to decide how/with whom i'll spend with.
• "im a burden, i'm a failure, i deserve to die." ⠀—⠀ we're all making mistakes all the time n learning by experience. dont you think it's beautiful? do you harm yourself when you trip and fall on the ground? you're already hurt, you scrapped your hand. why would you do the same for mental stress?
• "i don't want to be an inconvenience..." ⠀—⠀ please, stop.
• "i don't want to be a bother..." ⠀—⠀ shut the fuck up.
• "i don't have the luxury of being happy. my entire existence has been misery, sorrow, rejection, betrayal, nothing but pain and heartbreak." ⠀—⠀ now that you're dead, you don't have bad things happening to you anymore. but you don't have any good things happening either.
• "who gave you the right to kill me?!" ⠀—⠀ you were begging to die. whining about how pathetic your life was and how ppl would be better off without you.
• "i'm evil, i'm a monster, i'm not worthy of love." ⠀—⠀ you're just some weird guy.
• "you can't understand me, you can't understand people who don't care to live anymore because their existence is just pain!" ⠀—⠀ then you should be glad you're dead. you're not living in misery all the time anymore.

don't hurt yourself

• pulling all-nighters.
• eating the insides of my mouth.
• picking my fingernails to the point of bleeding/hurting.
• being careless w knives.
• taking insults as facts n prophecies.
• hating myself to excellence.
• procrastinating out of fear.
• feeling guilty when i'm right.
• exhaustively trying to read myself as a perfect machine.
• trying to be "cool" based on my own biases n losing myself on idealised personas that are not even close to who i actually am.
• pushing myself to be someone i'm not because "ppl couldn't possibly love me as i am."

envy records

• standard-beauty guys (6'0ft, lean, fair-skinned w/ dark, straight hair).
• super dark, black irises.
• ppl who do literally nothing to be loved n yet, are loved.
  • on the same note, ppl who aren't talented or skilled n are the 1st choice.
• bassists that (seemingly) don't put any force in their fingers.
• long nail beds.
• lie, sle, high-fe people.

deep dark secrets

• if i dislike a character for no apparent reason, i probably act just like them (but if i find them disgusting, i just hate them fr.)
• i'm pretty overprotective and jealous of what i decide it's "mine."
• i'm blue-coded w a blood-red heart.⠀￫⠀my ego creatures are blue & black, where my id creatures are red & white.
• anger and rage are my favourite emotions to feel, but they're tiring to use and negative to others.
• the only thing that actually moves me to action is despair or lack of control/power/agency.
• my favourite dog breeds are chihuahuas and shepherds.
• i find comfort in messy spaces.
• i hurt my hands more than i think i do.
• i always forgive twice.
• thinkers think they're awesome feelers, feelers think they're awesome thinkers, and they're both oblivious they're not.
• my girlfriend is pavlovian and very patient.
• i'm emotionally attached to green day, but they're not my favourite band.
• i childishly gatekeep cat gifs, tim burton movies, the noragami series, persona games 3 & 5, animal crossing cats (bob, lolly, rosie), genshin impact characters (kazuha, cyno, yaoyao, albedo), sunday from hsr, and everything that comes in a first-aid box.
• i was the "leader" of my childhood friend group.
• i'm awful at recognizing flirting coz i'm super deprived of attention n affection, so i think they wanna be besties.
• my friend begged me for help n i let her attempt. i had no idea. i do now. i still haven't forgiven myself.