⸻⠀ how to get back your real personality?

go back to your childhood. how were you when you were younger than seven?

• what did i like as a kid? (toys, characters)
  • animals (horses, wolves, dogs).
• what did i think i wanted to be when i grew up?
  • nothing.
• how was your personality as a kid?
  • quiet n very observant.
  • emotionally cold.
  • liked to take pictures as memories.
  • curious abt new things n loved to learn anything new.
  • judgmental at first, but accepting of change; understanding.
  • competitive.
  • liked thrilling games.
  • loved to run.
  • didn't mind to share (actually loved to share).
  • always strived to use the least possible amount of energy to do anything ever.
  • preferred the “different” things instead of what the majority was engaging with, but also “if i want it, it's mine!”

how is your actual voice?

• w.i.p

who are you when there's no audience (including yours)?

• punishing yourself is ludicrous. i dont think i deserve punishment.
• i live because i am alive.
• i dont owe my existence to anyone.
• it's not about self-love, but peace with oneself.
• i'm not a weak, i'm not stupid, n ppl aren't out to get me.
• i'm kind.

what if someone was as cruel to you as you are to yourself?

• "why you keep treating me so well?" ⠀—⠀ because i want to.
• "i'm nothing special." ⠀—⠀ everyone is special in their own way.
• "after all i've done to you, you want to stay?" ⠀—⠀ do you want me to go?
• "i don't want to be a burden." ⠀—⠀ you don't get to decide this. people are allowed to choose you.
• "you'll get bored by me." ⠀—⠀ you dont get to decide this!
• "why do you want to spend time with someone like me?" ⠀—⠀ because i like you. i care about you. i miss you. you're important to me as i'm important to you.
• "i don't deserve your time or care..." ⠀—⠀ it's my time, i get to decide how/with whom i'll spend with.
• "im a burden, i'm a failure, i deserve to die." ⠀—⠀ we're all making mistakes all the time n learning by experience. dont you think it's beautiful? do you harm yourself when you trip and fall on the ground? you're already hurt, you scrapped your hand. why would you do the same for mental stress?
• "i don't want to be an inconvenience..." ⠀—⠀ please, stop.
• "i don't want to be a bother..." ⠀—⠀ shut the fuck up.
• "i don't have the luxury of being happy. my entire existence has been misery, sorrow, rejection, betrayal, nothing but pain and heartbreak." ⠀—⠀ now that you're dead, you don't have bad things happening to you anymore. but you don't have any good things happening either.
• "who gave you the right to kill me?!" ⠀—⠀ you were begging to die. whining about how pathetic your life was and how ppl would be better off without you.
• "i'm evil, i'm a monster, i'm not worthy of love." ⠀—⠀ you're just some weird guy.
• "you can't understand me, you can't understand people who don't care to live anymore because their existence is just pain!" ⠀—⠀ then you should be glad you're dead. you're not living in misery all the time anymore.

don't hurt yourself

• pulling all-nighters
• eating the insides of my mouth
• picking my fingernails to the point of bleeding/hurting
• being careless w knives
• taking insults as facts n prophecies
• hating myself to excellence.
• exhaustively trying to read myself as a perfect machine.
• trying to be "cool" based on my own biases n losing myself on personas.
• pushing myself to be someone i'm not because "ppl couldn't possibly love me as i am."