- Hayden Christensen as 'Musician' in "Factory Girl"
- I had already known from watching 'Star Wars Episodes I-III' that this guy was a talentless bag of douche, but little did I know the extent of his acting ineptitude until I saw this travesty of a performance. It's a good thing Dylan didn't give the producers of the film the rights to use his name, because this toolshed is clearly unworthy of it. Instead of really getting inside Dylan's head and effectively conveying his complexity and genius (which Cate Blanchett did BRILLIANTLY in "I'm Not Here"), he graced us with a half-assed Dylan impression, of which any wannabe-actor is capable (and undoubtedly got paid an obscene amout to do it!) So for disgracing one of my idols (and my namesake), I must say fuck you Hayden, fuck you.
- Cam Gigandet as James in "Twilight"
- So you'd think, knowing full well that this film would inevitably be a box-office megahit among the tween crowd and rake in hundreds of millions worldwide, that they might be able to afford to hire capable name actors. But no, we got Cam Gigandet (who the fuck?) and this abortion of a performance. He might have been cute and sexy with his Legolas hair and all, but he appears to have gone to the Vin Diesel Drama School. Grandpa Munster was a more believable vampire than this asshole.
- Robert Pattinson as Edward in "Twilight"
- Dude... aren't you supposed to be the embodiment of every woman's sexual fantasy, or something? Then shouldn't your Edward be dripping with sex instead of, well, awkward-creepy-rapist vibes? I don't even have a vag, and I was still worried that this creep was going to violate me throughout the entire film. I give his performance four-and-a-half out of five pepper spray bottles.
- Shane Brolly as Kraven in "Underworld"
- Hmm, looks as if crappy vampire portrayals are becoming a recurring theme in this list. But few are crappier than good-ol' Shane in this downright laughable role. I saw this movie with my roommates while at UCSD, and by the time he busted out with such memorable lines as "I WANT that lichen's HEAD on a PLATE!" and ".....whaAAAAAAAT!?!", he had us rolling in the aisles. It was so hilariously bad, in fact, that we went back to see it again a short time later JUST to laugh at Kraven. And btw... Kraven? His name is seriously KRAVEN?? Seriously??? BWAhahahaha... Mercifully, the writers of the series are quick to kill him off in the second installment.
- Andy Richter as Bennie Bang in "New York Minute"
- 'Here lies Andy Richter's career: 1993-2004 (When for some unknown reason, he decided to work on this Olsen Twins' disaster.' You once had it all Andy: money, fame, a sweet gig as Conan O'Brien's sidekick, and your very own network TV show. THEN you just had to go and make this piece of garbage... with the fucking Olsen Twins! And not only did your painfully unfunny performance suck royally, but it was also truly offensive. I mean, a white guy who thinks he's Chinese? Huh?? And of course you just had to use a sterotypical 'ching-chong-ding-dong' dialect throughout the movie, didn'tya? Way to jump at that role, Andy. I'm sure you've probably heard "what were you thinking?" hundreds of times by now... but what the FUCK were you thinking??
- Cary Elwes as Dr. Lawrence Gorden in "Saw"
- This one is kind of depressing to include. I mean how could anyone who has seen "The Princess Bride" or "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" NOT love Cary Elwes? He's clearly a talented actor... but not in this movie. He just tries too damn hard, is way too over the top much of the time, and is just flat-out not believable whatsoever. By the climax of the film, when he's sawing away at his own leg while screaming as if getting gang=raped, I was longing for the good ol' days of "Twister". Stick to comedies, Cary.
- Any role performed by any of the following 'actresses':
- Lindsay Lohan (EXCEPT for "Mean Girls")
- Hillary Duff
- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
- Ashley Tisdale
- Paris Hilton
- Case in point: you can lead a whore to water, but you can't make her act.
- Any role played by Josh Hartnett
- YOU SUCK
jan 25 2009 ∞
jan 25 2009 +
jan 25 2009 +