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january

new years was nice - family and a lot of alcohol - watching "you" - third day of the year; reading, cleaning my room, washing dishes, exercising - helped my father in the store, drove with him and toby - remiding myself that food is not my enemy - watching movies and drinking wine - rain - peaches - ice cream that i shouldn't have eaten bc did no good for my stomach - i'm eating a lot and i hate it - i hate and love my voice at the same time - but it's like this for me with everything when it comes to myself - new obsession lol: "the untamed" - pain bc wangxian (i cried lol) - thinking about wang yibo and xiao zhan - i feel like art is something i'm gonna always have to carry - i feel tired today - i'm in são paulo! - i was so anxious and sad out of nothing yesterday but i'm okay now - hoping i can enjoy this trip the way i couldnt enjoy last year - the beach makes me feel things - i'm a bit anxious - it's raining a lot but we are not complaining - every day trying to accept myself the way i am - feeling bad because i'm not reading a lot like i wanted to - getting fucking lost lmao - my dad is stubborn like me (more like i'm stubborn like him) - met flavia!! - i'm home!! - kinda sad bc i didn't read a lot like i wanted to this month bc of the trip - i'm too anxious lol kdfkj - back to reading - also i'm rewatching wfkbj - it's been a weird and quiet month - but i'm fine, i really am

february

reading - been thinking so much about many things - my life, my values, my dreams, my family, my friends, my places, my face, my body - back to college - i'm really looking forward to study - reading anne frank the diary from the beginning - i wanna love myself - i feel sad and tired - i feel slow - bought some clothes - parasite best picture - i'm a mess - well i need a job lmao - i'm so anxious lately :p - i'm better - reading - trying to get a job - nct...nct - i wanna do and learn so many things that i feel like going crazy - i feel so lonely sometimes - lost lost lost - ice cream! - this month was full of ups and downs - i feel weird but not in a bad way, not so good either - but everything's gonna be alright

march

the month of realizing things lol - fruits - nct 127!! - going out with sofia - i love feeling loved - sometimes i think that i'm pretty - spending the night at my friends' house - i hate being so insecure - i hate not having energy and will to do the things that i'd like to do - i have to stop smoking btw - starting to write for a blog! - laughing a lot with my mom - i'm tired of my phone - quarentine :/ - online classes - i feel odd - i have a strange relationship with fanfics - and now i can't stop reading them - i don't know what i want to do... - but i want to do Something - anxiety - i need to write more - reading - cleaning my room - exercising - i feel better - a hell of a month

april

hi...lol - been watching movies - i feel kinda weird - i really really want to learn how to be kind to myself - i know i deserve it?? - going crazy going stupid - i love bts - dancing to "on" - depressive epsodies - i'm never gonna to eat cake again - lol jk but i'm so fucking stupid - i like to write... - i need to give myself a break - time - love - i've had enough of hate, i'm tired - i hate anxiety - and i hate my past - i'm okay! i feel fine today - i've been writting and i think i have a journal now... like a diary maybe - well, i'm alive

may

i'm no different from a can of pineapple - popcorn - i feel in another dimension - maybe it's depression - it's been days now that i don't drink milk - i feel good - i lost weight, i don't know how much, but i can feel and notice - depression - it's been so hard - the book i'm reading is so sad but i can't stop - i love jude and i see myself in him so much altrough i haven't been through 1% of the things he's been through - i'm tired of feeling unwanted - my wisdom tooth is hurting so so so bad - i'm feeling a little better - been listening the beatles a lot - ok i'm fine - drinking wine and dancing - watching supernatural - anxious because of college - watching an amazing movie "across the universe" (2007) - i've been doing a lot of things - finished reading "a little life" i feel a lot of things, need to organize my thoughts - i'm...so...tired - it's SO COLD since sunday (today is tuesday lol) - my skin is looking pretty bad again - but, you know, hormones - i have so much trust issues

jun

i'm still alive... great - back to the antidepressants - 03/06: my period came - working hard - tired af - reading truly devious' second book - i'm kinda muzzy?? i think i'm just tired - reading a lot - i love queer eye - i love jonathan - things happened (with my brother...hospital etc)- but everything's good - i'm tired - comprei uma vela de lavanda (minha mãe me deu) - também ganhei uma caneca linda de friends - me sentindo estranha mas acho que é a ansiedade mesmo - finished reading the "truly devious" trilogy, love it - i'm tired - gonna read more mysteries now - tired of my skin being a bitch

july

reading - i'm tired again - i think something's wrong with me... been trying to figure myself out - hello i'm tired lol - 05/07: my period came - hello i want to sing - i miss singing so much - i've been ill? more like feeling ill - i think it's bc of my period - i'm still feeling sick - been going crazy lol - watching "dark" - back to reading i guess - i can't articulate correctly - i stoped eating red meat - i stoped eating every king of meat - i'm a vegetarian now and i really wanna go vegan - i'm tired of everything i guess - ok i'm vegan now <: - tenho que parar de segurar as pessoas que não querem mais fazer parte da minha vida - sinto que o veganismo foi a melhor coisa que me aconteceu há um tempo - i feel sad and lonely - and i don't wanna talk - well i'm stressed as fuck - why am i such a dumb bitch - ugh anyways - reli ari e dante - infelizmente minhas aulas tão aqui batendo na minha porta

august

the month came and so did my period - i'm....lost - je suis perdu - :p been studying french as you can see - i'm tired whats new - i feel like i'm not okay but i also feel like i'm thinking clearly, at least clearly than i used to think - there's nothing wrong with me; well, i'm not neurotypical but, still, there's nothing wrong with me like i used to think - tenho que aprender a respirar - i wish my mom would stop acting like my brother is a fucking baby - popcorn! strawberries! - been thinking so fucking much i feel like my head can explode at any moment - sometimes i feel like i forget everything that i am and everything that i have and i feel like there's nothing for me in this life - i feel so lost it's so overwhelming - baked a vegan chocolate cake - i'm so innocent it's annoying - my bed has broken - and i have been eating a lot of cake and feeling bad about it - meh - god i need to put myself together - não sou responsável pela mágoa que uma pessoa possivelmente cultiva de mim - meh rede social é um lixo - eu to tão cansada - não fiz literalmente NADA o dia TODO - não acredito que vou fazer 20 anos no mês que vem - uuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhh - calor!!!! - o retrato de dorian gray começou a me irritar - por que as coisas tem que ser assim cara - preciso dormir mais acho - tô me alimentando muito bem - e conseguindo fazer exercício da forma que eu gosto - o que já é ótimo!! antes eu tava com dificuldade - sinto falta de cantar mas tbh eu canto o tempo todo - quero achar a isabelle de 2012 pra trás de novo - amo minhas amigas - que merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - mas pior que consegui aproveitar o dia - preciso esquecer que rede social existe - fodase - não virei papagaio pra ficar repetindo o que já falei - tobynho passou mal mas agora ta melhor, fez vários exames - quero ficar em paz - tentando escutar mais minhas amigas - to cansada, chega disso - to lendo tão devagar - ça je déteste - queria uma chuvinha - "é fazendo bosta que aduba a vida" - i think i'm an army again lol - i'm so nervous bc i have a college seminary to present in 10 minutes - aaaaaaand then i didn't! - pizza and puppies - i wanna kiss a girl so bad but where are the girlsss - fuck covid - too busy for some bs - ah! chuva!! e frio - nostalgia - como assim eu vou fazer 20 anos - talvez eu esteja em negação lol - saudade de uns tempos aí mas eu sei que não tava bem - não que eu esteja totalmente bem agora mas sei que melhor eu tô - por que eu não posso me importar comigo mesma? que tem de errado nisso? - agir petty não tem nada a ver comigo porque não sou assim mas também me irrito, também posso me irritar - quando eu consigo começar a olhar mais pra mim eu tenho que me sentir culpada por isso? - não cheguei aqui pra isso - nossa eu não quero ser uma pessoa injusta, eu reconheço que não sou perfeita e que errei mas não da pra voltar no tempo - já aprendi tanto, já mudei muito - não queria que as coisas ficassem desse jeito - surtei...surtei... - tenho que MATAR essa minha obsessão em ser perfeita - quem eu penso que sou cara messias? - preciso ler mais livros nacionais - conversei com o fran por video, saudade dele :( - my skin is going crazyyy shes mad i guess - but i'm being nice to her - she needs love - i forget how much i like kpop - my birthday is close...god... - wow my mind has been killing me - i wanna improve my writing - i'm so scared that i'm never gonna be a good journalist/writter - it's jungkook's birthday (at least in korea) and i truly love him - wow what a month? - august sipped away like a bottle of wine - for the hope if it all!!

september

ah! she's here! - the clouds arrived - exercising and reading - coffee and almond milk, peanuts, soup - full moon (it's so beautiful, i love her so much) - i'm THRILLED - been loving the book "the paris hours" - i wanna live... more! - i turn twenty in three days o.o - i hate this feeling that someone that claims to love me actually despise me - and i can do nothing - i'm feeling some kind of way - i don't know when i can really trust my extincts - oh god - and i still let other people make me doubt my worth - i'm so tired of this shit - maybe something is really wrong with me but... anyways - i'm 20!! - woke up on my birthday with a wine hangover headache - felt so many emotions in one day - i deserve happiness :( - aaaa! it's so hot - things i'm loving currently: peanuts, coffee (as always), reading instead of watching, the song "august" by taylor swift, taking cold showers, dacing - i'm so tired - haven't slept at all (09/09) i'm with a sore throat :( - i'm better now but i did catch a cold - scared the shit out of me - this morning i exercised and cleaned the house c: - i'm tired but i'm okay - okay now i'm even better - tears tears tears - to perdida - mas quem não ta - limpo a casa todo dia agora - tendo umas ideias que eu espero que persistam - eu e minha mãe compramos flores <3 - eu amo o toby tanto - ganhei um colchão novo - i love my mom - i'm...thinking............ - tem tanta coisa na minha cabeça - reading a lot lately - and i wanna read more - its sooooooo hot - it passed so fast... bye september, thank you

october

it's been hard to live - but i'm here - i feel so tired - i wanna be good - working! - my mood swings are going crazy - but i'm taking good care of myself and my surroundings - what is nice - tired but fine - been writing some poems - i... got out of the house... like, really out - crazy! - with my brother and his wife, and it was really nice - i'm floating my way through life - bro... so many shit to do - eating disorder been eating my ass lol - er but seriously, i need to stop - so tired - i'm... losing my shit lol - so many things to doooooo -

jan 4 2019 ∞
oct 19 2020 +