• The Thick of It
  • Malcolm: Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.

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• Malcolm Tucker: I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.

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• Malcolm Tucker: This is a Lock-Down!
• Nicola Murray MP: Oh come on, we're not in a prison drama are we?
• Malcolm: We are in a prison drama. This is like The Shawshank Redemption, only with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption.

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• Cal Richards: Fuck, what I really need to do is to shoot you all in the back of a head! But I can't because it's illegal!

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• Hugh Abbott: I'm not quite sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.

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• Malcolm Tucker: [To DoSAC, regarding the Opposition] You tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that.

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• Jamie: Have you seen the Whip's numbers?
• Malcolm: NOMFuP.
• Jamie: What?
• Malcolm: NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.

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• Malcolm: Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.
• Hugh: Well I'll come the fuck in then.

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• Hugh: Christ, Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
• Malcolm: I'm a shapeshifter.

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• Ben Swain: But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
• Malcolm: Well, half an hour you were in with a shot. This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new pope. Maybe you can download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your future, OK? Think about what you are doing!

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• Glen Cullen: Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus, I'm not a joke, okay, alright, hello? I am a man. I am a man, you know, you know?! This, THIS!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE!!!! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE!! And, it's collapsing in front of me. You know, Tom's like that, they're never going to want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now, he... Jesus Christ, this is all, I AM A MAN!!!!!! AND, NO YOU DON'T I'M IRRELEVANT!! NO, NO GO AWAY, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant! FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?!! WELL FUCK TINKY WINKY, FUCK YOU TINKY WINKY!!! AUF WIEDERSHEN PET, THE PARTY'S OVER, GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WHY DID HE HAVE A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE?!! FUCK US ALL!!!!

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• Terri: Well it was a bit of a shock for us. In a good way. Like twins or a tax rebate.

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• Malcolm: What's up with you? You look like you've shat a lego garage.

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• Nicola Murray: Why are you doing this?
• Ben Swain: Because I'm bored, it's funny and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of 'why'.
• In the Loop
  • Simon: It'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy.
  • Toby: No it won't. It'll be difficult difficult lemon difficult.

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• Simon: So what are we getting back to? Apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?
• Toby: Constituency surgery in Northampton.
• Simon: Great, meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, but without the ability to say, `Fuck off, you're mental.

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• Glenn: I will lamp you! With a lamp.