dozens of doctors/therapists couldn't give me a right diagnosis. or a diagnosis in general. so i guess i have to do it myself. this list is going to be deleted in the future, i just wanted to do some brainstorming on my current mental health status. maybe i can figure out some things. or maybe not. idk. what i know is that i'll never fully get rid of my sickness and that's okay, it is how it is. but i can live and deal with it.

symptoms; mental

  • depersonalization/derealization
    • it started when i was a child, back in 2004. i was nine, and i remember it happened on a lovely day in april. it happened so quickly, all of a sudden i felt like i wasn't real anymore. as if i was dreaming. i was with sophia in that moment (we stood under the trees, right in front of the church, i remember the wind on our skins) and asked her if this was real or a dream. i asked her to pinch me and she did and i remember that it hurt. it was the weirdest shit. i also remember i had the same depersonalization/derealization moment when i was at the botanical garden in augsburg. i felt dizzy and warm, maybe because of the heat in the glasshouse, but then i felt the same thing again, as if i wasn't real anymore. it scared the shit out of me (and still does) and at the same time it feels like a spiritual thing. of course i didn't know it back then, that spirituality exists. i was in a constant dream, especially in 2005/2006. sometimes it felt like a nightmare. i went to the doctor and they checked my whole body but couldn't find anything so they just said "it's probably just puberty". probably. i'm 24 now and i still have it and nobody knows where it came from or why it's there.
    • i sometimes have problems to tell derealization and depersonalization apart because they're so similar. derealization is when your surroundings feel weird/not real anymore, depersonalization is when you feel weird/not real anymore. both apply to me.
  • asperger's/autism
    • i'm not diagnosed with autism but i find myself having some of the symptoms:
      • avoids eye contact
      • wants to be alone/doesn't really like to be around people all the time (sometimes, yes, but just rarely), sometimes wants to interact with people and make friends but doesn't know how
      • has obsessive interests. i have the need to write down everything, sometimes weird things, sometimes i list and write down things that are just insignificant. also, i get nervous when i don't have a pen and paper with me. something else. an example:if i find a photographer or artist who inspires me (on instagram, most of the time) i have the NEED to save all of their photos as inspiration. not just one pic but EVERY SINGLE ONE that inspires me. and there are LOTS of photographers who inspire me. sometimes i would bookmark their profile. i think i have thousands of profiles bookmarked. it's weird. sometimes - especially with photography or art - i think i want to actually BE the photographer/artist and maybe if i save their stuff i can pretend it's me who made it!?? IDEK!!
      • is kinda "selfish" and mostly interested in their own thing. (i don't really know if it's an actual autism symptom tbh.) yeah. i'm an egoist and arrogant as hECK. mostly i JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. i'm freaking heartless. i care more about animals and plants than people and let me tell you something - it scares me.
      • i always get distracted by animals. let's say i'm in a room with 100 people and a dog - i'll only see the dog. it's the same with like EVERY animal. even if it's "just" a bird. or a butterfly. when i sit outside and i read a book i'm usually really concentrated but when i see a butterfly or something I GET SO DISTRACTED.
      • most of the time people don't interest me - when i'm on the train, and i there are let's say twenty people there, i feel like they all look the same. if there's a dude who flirts with me - i doN'T CARE. people usually say my standards and demands are too high BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL ANYTHING MOST OF THE TIME. WHERE IS MY EMPATHY!? that's the actual problem (i can't talk about that irl. people don't understand. they'd think i'm a psychopath). i'm not interested. even when i make out with someone or f*ck someone. my body is there but my soul is not. lust yes, love no. my sex drive is enormous, especially since i've stopped taking my meds (note to myself: beginning of kundalini - root chakra). but my feelings are more the "aromantic" type. i've been in love before but it's been quite a while and sometimes i'm scared i'll never fall in love again. also: i do find some people attractive. but usually only the ones who are way more attractive than i am. i feel like i'm shallow as heck. i have a crush on someone's appearance and the thought and my idea of them but when i get to know that person it doesn't live up to my expecations and they're just like everyone else and start to bore me. People - mostly my teachers - used to call me "shy" but i wasn't - I just never wanted to talk to anyone because I didn't care, lol.
      • i absolutely hated maths in school but i find myself getting more and more obsessed with astrophysics/astronomy and just science in general now. also, i remember talking to a therapist once and she told me a super long number. i had to remember it backwards and was actually the only one who got it right. the therapist told me i was the only patient who managed to do that, and it impressed her. i also have an obsession with birthdays and telephone numbers. i still remember birthdays (most of the times i automatically also remember their star sign) from people i went to primary school with, even from people who don't even know my name anymore. sometimes i would look at my phone, see the date and think "oh, it's the second of may, that's franzi's birhday. she's a taurus." and franzi is someone i haven't spoken to in fifteen years. what thE HECK. i've always been good at remembering things. but most of the time it feels like a curse.
      • i hate abbreviations. when i write down an address i NEVER write "str." (german abbreviation of street). i always write down THE WHOLE WORD. when i talk to people who have a nickname i HATE to call them by their nickname. and it bothers me when people don't use their real name on facebook. it's stupid, i know.
      • Another obsession of mine: words. details. especially in books. if a writer doesn't include details and beautiful words in their book, i'm probably not going to like it. i'm in love with words and obsessed with letters. And i'm deeply deeply in love with details and small things, and things that are actually "unnecessary" or "unsignificant". Sometimes I can't tell apart what's important and what's not because i find EVERYTHING important.
      • I hate to smile. Someone once came up to me at the supermarket - it was an old lady and i didn't like her for talking to me - and she said: "You look so sad." and it bOTHERED ME. I just don't like to smile when i feel only neutral, it exhausts me.
      • I always need a plan. If I go on vacation, I need to have a plan for EVERYTHING - transportation, accomodation, dates and times -, otherwise I'm gonna get anxious. If someone wants to hang out with me, I need to know at least a few days before otherwise I probably won't meet them. I hope to get rid of it and I work hard to become more spontanous but sometimes it's just REALLY HARD. If I am the one who's spontanous ("I'm in the mood to go to the lake today."), it's totally okay but if someone else is ("Hi, wanna hang out tonight?") it's a horror for me - due to my anxiety it's really hard to get out of the house in general. I just need to know so I can mentally prepare and give myself motivation and strength. Most people don't understand that, though, and maybe that's okay.
      • I hate to look people in the eyes, especially people I don’t know. I try to do it but sometimes it can be hard for me. I just realized — how is that something none of my old therapists and doctors have noticed!?

old symptoms

  • social phobia
    • couldn't leave the house/was scared of sunlight, people, the "outside", public transport, calling someone over the phone, school (or rather the people at school)
    • i was in a mental health clinic in 2011, and it was like the best thing ever. without them i would've killed myself. i've learned so much, and they're the reason why i can leave the house again without being scared.
apr 23 2019 ∞
jul 11 2019 +
user picture andwuwei: Hey, regarding "depersonalization/derealization" - I got curious and googled it, turns out there is a legit diagnosis for this, Depersonalization disorder (DPD). And a whole bunch of possible reasons behind it (from being just a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety, to actual brain disorders). "According to studies in both Britain and the US, DPD could affect up to 2% of the population – that is, around 1.3 million people in the UK, and 6.4 million in the US." says The Guardian' article from 2015, "Depersonalisation disorder: the condition you’ve never heard of that affects millions" (it also has personal stories in it). And UK's mental health charity site, Mind (mind org uk), has a whole section about it (called "Dissociation and dissociative disorders"), with recommended self-care exercises. The headings' font is awful, but I see there is a link to PDF version of that whole section on the top of the section. And Wikipedia's articles ("Depersonalization disorder", "Depersonalization", "Derealization" (e.g., "Chronic derealization may be caused by occipital–temporal dysfunction") also seem to have useful info. jun 13 2019