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  • Me: I called you because I was tired of you making me be gay alone.
  • Me: Hold on, hold on, I gotta get into the closet.
    • Mitch: ?
    • Me: Okay, I'm in the closet. So, I think the reading was about how I need to come out to my mom.
    • Mitch: *laughs* You went to the closet to tell me you have to get out?
  • Mitch: I had a virgin...I mean version of a hot dog.
  • Mitch: I want to do a spell to boost my anxiety...I mean, wait--
  • Me: I hate to, but I have to get off here.
    • Mitch: You're giving me abandonment issues.
  • Me: I want to tell you something.
    • Mitch: Tell me something.
    • Me: What I love about being an adult is that I can eat a slice of pie and THEN have a salad if I please. Who's gonna stop me?
  • Mitch: I'm all old and shrively.
  • Me (texting): Do you know what it's like to shit after every meal?
    • Because I do.
  • Mitch: We don't want to be as bad as [Christians.] We want to accept them and their false beliefs.

it's just a joke folks

  • Me: Do you believe in life after a bowl of ice cream?
  • Me: (nasal voice) Oh mah God, my dream is coming true!
    • Mitch: (nasal voice) It so is!
  • Mitch: I remember one time I tried Miracle Whip. That shit ain't a miracle.
  • Me: I'm craving chocolate. Let me get a bowl of strawberry ice cream.
    • Mitch: I don't know how that's chocolate, but okay.
  • Mitch: I'm not here to explain, I'm here to heal.
mar 1 2020 ∞
may 28 2020 +