very personal(?). not sure if this list will be in english or portuguese this will depend on my mood

agosto

  • i created this list in september but i will write here some things that happened in august bc i would like to remember it one day
  • gardening became my favorite hobby i guess.. i love the simplicity and spontaneity of it
  • quero mudar de curso de novo kk
  • this month (for the first time ever) my sister quickly opened up about her emotional insecurities while talking with me and somewhat i felt special bc she finally trusted me to do this kind of thing
  • ela tb me levou pra uma aula experimental de pilates e yoga!!
  • i started drinking more orange and limon juice instead of soda
  • cant stop listening to aurora and chloe x halle

setembro

  • rewatching mp100 s1 ♡_♡
  • my mom said she used to think that i would became an angry/edgy adult with everything and everyone but i surprised her becoming a "comfort friend/daughter". i felt awkward in this moment of our conversation (i didnt express it though) bc its strange when someone talks about the effects of my existence in their life
  • feeling like i have a great potential in a lot of things especially the ones i really enjoy doing however seconds later my brain go BRRRHHHH and then i come back feeling the same piece of garbage as always
  • i need to go to therapy but i dont (and somewhat cant) do anything about it </3
  • YES KAGEYAMA SHIGEO AND KILLUA ZOLDYCK YOU TWO ARE MY SONS
  • im improving my cooking skills (it costed me a bleeding index finger)
  • why im always being so hard on myself? this is giving me headaches. and depriving me from doing things i want.
  • feeling exhausted [08.09]
  • mp100 s2 (rewatching) !♡!
  • expressed part of what i was feeling in a friend group chat. i was trying to apologise for being distant from everything and everyone. when i sent it i felt so embarassed to the point of sweating and wanting to hide. i deleted the messages minutes later.
  • anything that gives me emotional instability also gives me the desire to vanish from this world
  • for the first time ever i did a sketch of a mini comic about my feelings!!!!!! !!! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!?? im kinda happy and scared
  • finished rewatching all released seasons of mob psycho 100. i love this story so fucking much i want to watch it one more time NOW
  • i always feel like a puzzle piece that doesnt fit
  • lowkey disse pra minha mae e pra minha irma que eu sou bi :p
  • this will make ME and YOU cringe but.. i want to fall in love [18.09]
  • I ORGANIZED MY WARDROBE
  • aprendi o basico da maquina de costura e tentei fazer uma bainha pra testar (saiu tudo torto)
  • i miss drawing. but somewhat im not motivated enough to move my muscles and start doing something [21.09]
  • im afraid of my own future. it all depends on me and this seems like a nightmare
  • am i good to people who i think trust me?? sometimes i get the impression that im poisoning them in some way
  • maybe i just need clear validation. for me its hard to understand that someone likes my presence, i cant pick up little signals. or maybe i just need to stop trying to bond with people (pretty sure the second one sounds better to my inner me)

outubro

  • i decided to do physical exercises [started 10.02]
  • half of my plants died :( rest in peace
  • feeling insecure about my relationships once again. im sure this will pass but its so uncomfortable to feel this way. my chest even hurts. i wish i knew what is the reason for this [10.04]
  • i am alternating between wanting to talk all the time or wanting to be in silence with the headset for many hours. thats why im feeling 34092042302394 times more annoying
  • face yoga!!!!
  • resolvi hoje [10.15] que vou tentar me alimentar melhor! parar de comer doce e testar receitas de doce! vou substituir eles por maça banana ou uva. to torcendo pra que eu volte a me acostumar a me alimentar desse jeito. e tb vou diminuir o copao de coca que eu tomo no almoço
  • recently ive perceived that im never me (true me/want to be). im always so careful and worried if i will be liked and i think this even became an obsession. when i talk to someone im observing their body language often. and if it doenst match with my expectations i get internally triggered?? AND I dont want to be like that bc everyone has a different temperament and a way to see the word and express themselfs?? im sure this aspect took away my essence (if i ever had one). i dont know if i was consistent writing about this feeling. sounds controversial [10.19]

novembro

  • my birthday month! but why do i always feel sadder than normal when this day comes!!??
  • me and my family went together on two trips. the first was arraial do cabo (rj) and the second campos do jordao (sp). i really had fun and i was more comfortable to be ""myself"" around them
  • ... at the same time im being more impatient and insensitive. and i dont know what to do i will simply wait for the day that someone will punch me in the face
  • i started feeling sleepy all the time. probably its my vitamin d deficiency again
  • i urgently need to focus again on my college's poetic
  • stop daydreaming. please.
  • once again social anxiety attacked me [11.25] i thought i was almost free of it. guess i was wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

dezembro

  • faculdade
  • to corroendo por dentro. fica com deus
  • disconnected from people
  • i cant even process my own feelings my brain are only worrying about college
  • christmas. family. but at the same time loneliness. i cant even remember how to talk casually with people. i want this void inside me to disappear :(
  • did i ever feel alive and safe? im pretending since i can remember. its tough. when the shock of reality hits all i want is to cry. im ashamed of myself. im miserable
  • a baby green cricket landed in my hand close to the new year
sep 8 2020 ∞
jan 3 2021 +