• Faith coming back, which realistically shouldn't bother me because it's likely just because of lockdown, & even if it isn't, she's going to fuck off eventually after sticking to her little popularity circle & only interacting with her chosen few.
  • My mom being passive aggressive & refusing to acknowledge that her behavior at Easter was problematic & hurtful because why would she? No I don't want to talk to you, you called me fat, shamed me for eating less when you know I 1) don't eat pork or lamb & 2) already struggle with food.
    • And if this surprises you, maybe revisit that abominable "intervention" you staged with dad because you were "worried" that I was "getting fat" & needed to see a health coach & bariatric surgeon.
  • Dez's comment about not coming back because I write Clary now, which is exactly why I didn't want to add her in the first place & fought it for months.
  • My intense security with Cas being more active on her Jonathan because really, this is a win for Alec but ooooooh the portrayal anxiety is so fucking real to the point I can't get Jon to wake up for a single thing.
  • Exclusivity regret with Rips because I have to fight through fifteen replies to Rabid & seven to James just to get one fucking reply at all, & it probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does but it's killing me that I just want one reply to one single thread but nah, I'll see it in May probably, & I can't reach out to another Kylo to bounce ideas off of given exclusivity.
    • Which is fine because I know I click with Rips really well, but I hate feeling like an annoyance lmfao.
  • My dad's growing inability to care for himself, which I'm physically, emotionally, & mentally unprepared to actually handle like a responsible fucking adult given it means throwing myself back into the lion's den in terms of mental health, & will inevitably mean a massive fucking blowout fight to get him the care he needs but doesn't want to admit he does.
    • to add to this, also his inability to just let me be me, & trust that I know what I'm doing. Every time he questions me, it makes me feel like an idiot & it keeps massively undermining my confidence in myself. No, I don't want a backup plan, I want my plan a.
  • This fuck ass dog & her barking, which needs no further explanation but at least she's behaving today.
  • My own inability to get my head on straight with studying for this test/the goddamn FSOT because I keep feeling this rolling tidal wave of incompetence & outright fear about what might happen if I don't pass it this time around. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • General feeling of inadequacy in terms of personal relationships & seeing all of my friends getting major life upgrades in short spans of time/ feeling generally left behind, which wasn't helped by the whole job thing & subsequently losing touch with every coworker I had thought I was fine with for two years. Fuck youuuuu.
    • This I at least know will pass, it's just a quarantine mood.
  • The fact that had I not had to leave Starbucks, I would have that desktop by now & be saving up for something else I needed, but you know, fuck me I guess.
  • The feeling of crushing inadequacy that comes from being right & knowing I'm just going to let something unfold when I absolutely do not fucking want it to, but I ave to weigh my judgment against my heart on the matter & I am getting really fucking tired of having to be the selfless one every single time this happens, fuck.
  • Further feeling of inadequacy when I put in a fuckton of effort, & it's not returned.
apr 21 2020 ∞
apr 21 2020 +