• Faith coming back, which realistically shouldn't bother me because it's likely just because of lockdown, & even if it isn't, she's going to fuck off eventually after sticking to her little popularity circle & only interacting with her chosen few.
  • My mom being passive aggressive & refusing to acknowledge that her behavior at Easter was problematic & hurtful because why would she? No I don't want to talk to you, you called me fat, shamed me for eating less when you know I 1) don't eat pork or lamb & 2) already struggle with food.
    • And if this surprises you, maybe revisit that abominable "intervention" you staged with dad because you were "worried" that I was "getting fat" & needed to see a health coach & bariatric surgeon.
    • update, let's massively praise my weight loss as if I'm suddenly valuable as a person again because I'm losing weight. yeah, okay, sure.
  • compounded issue of people not wanting interaction with my girls/feeling like I have to struggle for interaction on them but oh, the guys are even slightly active? let's swarm.
  • My dad's growing inability to care for himself, which I'm physically, emotionally, & mentally unprepared to actually handle like a responsible fucking adult given it means throwing myself back into the lion's den in terms of mental health, & will inevitably mean a massive fucking blowout fight to get him the care he needs but doesn't want to admit he does.
    • to add to this, also his inability to just let me be me, & trust that I know what I'm doing. Every time he questions me, it makes me feel like an idiot & it keeps massively undermining my confidence in myself. No, I don't want a backup plan, I want my plan a.
    • also, my mom pulling a lot of the same stuff with constantly fighting me over things I feel like we shouldn't be disagreeing on? my dad can't take care of himself. that's not up for debate.
  • My own inability to get my head on straight with studying for this test/the goddamn FSOT because I keep feeling this rolling tidal wave of incompetence & outright fear about what might happen if I don't pass it this time around. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • General feeling of inadequacy in terms of personal relationships & seeing all of my friends getting major life upgrades in short spans of time/ feeling generally left behind, which wasn't helped by the whole job thing & subsequently losing touch with every coworker I had thought I was fine with for two years. Fuck youuuuu.
    • why is literally everyone getting engaged? literally why. just why.
  • The feeling of crushing inadequacy that comes from being right & knowing I'm just going to let something unfold when I absolutely do not fucking want it to, but I ave to weigh my judgment against my heart on the matter & I am getting really fucking tired of having to be the selfless one every single time this happens, fuck.
  • Further feeling of inadequacy when I put in a fuckton of effort, & it's not returned.
apr 21 2020 ∞
nov 20 2020 +