• 1/23 dream that i frantically went through closet looking for more clothes the closet home in florida. and kept finding a wallet with ludwig's name and face on it.
  • 1/25 dreaming that i was moving in somewhere i couldn't sleep on the bed. black guy who was sexually aggressive with me was the landlord. it was like an eerie child mexican bed on the floor. only paying $300 for it. masturbating to his vulgar sex videos
  • 2/1 i had a dream i was in a room with dangerous people threatening me with knives. i finally got ahold of a knife and did the same to them. i seemed to be in another country
  • 2/3 dream about being related to the beatles. looking for bathroom i woke up. being totally with family. editing a porn star's essay about experiencing life sexually but having many opportunities and loving it. winnie the pooh art combined. some sort of sport. christopher robin's head
  • 2/6 nightmare beating up my brother who accused me of getting lip fillers. my lips exploding like a balloon. me falling out of a parachute onto ground. my sponsor leaving somewhere with someone and me trying to prove i wasn't sleeping trying to go with her
  • 2/26 dream that richard and i are planning to sleep in a room, but his ex wife is in it. he wants to have sex with her dead body hunched over on the ground on the floor. we watch murder. she sleeps in the same room as us. didn't want to be touched
  • 3/1 dream that myself and others witness some sort of bloody animal tragedy involving dogs in a train station like the Q train in park slope. a rottweiler threatens me and i know it will come at me. but i sit in fear as it stares at me i do not move
  • 5/12 in my dream i’m riding down the hudson river on a bicycle, gliding gracefully, and it slowly becomes a beautiful beach town. i’m supposed to go on a cruise to china with stefany and her two friends who are like painfully bitch faced models of a new “hip agency” in nyc, as well as my mom. i’m in there with them, down in a boat in a medical room with warm light. everyone’s gone now but my brother and i. i’m in a dentist’s chair and he’s doing mig welding aggressively. after he’s done i take off the dentist’s napkin paper on my body and reveal deep deep gashes, welding lashes all over like he whipped me with the hose. my body is in so much pain that i can feel more deeply than anything in real life, and am suffering complete blood loss…my chest has deep cuts in it, and then my sides are gashed open like someone’s knifed me. my torso is about to come off and so much blood is draining out of me. i feel utter hopelessness knowing i am going to die and feel sorrow hoping that i’ve done enough in life.i walk down a hallway and make it to a bathroom where i sit myself down, waiting to die and seeing the blood leave me. it feels physical, definitely like i am really dying, but not fearful. just deep sorrow and pain. suddenly some woman comes in, dark hair, a bit older than me. she holds me over her shoulder and tells me that we are going to be ok. she asked me what happened, i say i don’t know but i walk with her and suddenly, we are in soho in the city. i feel weightless walking around outside with her. she starts asking me about my life plans, distracting me, and i look down at my body which is perfect, and i am walking on my own. there is no more pain. suddenly we arrive at a hospital and i look at her knowingly - this is the deepest emotion i have ever felt in a dream in my life - and i say to her “oh, i must not be awake. it was that bad wasn’t it?” and i KNEW i just knew i had probably died or worse and only imagined that i was safe and not hurting. i had so much sorrow knowing i had probably died and when i arrived to the hospital, it was already too late… i knew. i wake up immediately then, totally stiff in a facial cast and body cast. the room is entirely gold and yellow. its a monday. apparently i was in a coma for 2 years and i had surgery that saved me. i check instagram and everyone quit following me. i start flipping through a novel and learn that richard has slept with that girl again after everything. he was logged into my instagram and he saved his ex wife posts on Instagram. suddenly i’m on top of him, i continuously beat him up asking him why he did this to me, but my hands bounce off of him like rubber. he tells me he had always slept with her, and nothing had really stopped, and when he thought i was dead he said he just did what he wanted. i realize that i’ve had facial reconstruction surgery. my skin was butchered everywhere but my eyes, which looked fresh, young and alive. i kept thinking at least i can still see, at least… and i’m suffering deep pain. i can’t move, my body feels like its dead, i have no idea what it is anymore. i can’t move anything. i am crying so much, i’ve lost everything, my body is here but i’m not anymore. i’m walking slowly in my body cast in soho again. i check my bank account, and my money is still there. Ludwig has sent me 8,000 dollars…and someone who recently also got out of a coma had sent me 15,000 sharing their suffered loss with me.
jan 27 2018 ∞
jan 15 2019 +