• wearing Tevas/Crocs. just, NO.
• blatantly check out other ladies when you're out with me. i don't care what you do when you're not with me, but when we're out calm down and have some dignity, tiger.
• being stingy. this is less about money than it is about effort.
• lying just to lie. i will catch you. bet.
• talk excessively about other women when you're out with me. this includes:

a. the ex-girlfriend & how great she was b. that one smoking hot cocktail waitress over there c. insert unattainable celebrity you want to pork here Again, feel free to share your sad, 12 year old boy fantasies aloud- just not whenI'm around. It's called "respect".

• be in any way homophobic. grow up, chump....

• Someday Gay
• Penis-So-Soft
• C3-PO, Human Cyborg Relations
• That Ape
• The Falconer
• Drunky The Clown/The Drunk Ape (TIE)
• I'm With Stupid

• Brandice
• Brandini
• Brandle
• Shitbird (an homage to Pat Conroy's The Great Santini)
• Hooty Hoot Owl (if I stay out late)
• Gandy (after an old timey cartoon, Gandy Goose)
• Plier Fingers
• Hon
• Brandya (when I wanted to be a Russian Ballerina)
• Miss Brandy (this is done in a stutter, as if I'm royalty, usually when I disagree with his direct orders)

• Chicken in a Biscuit
• Cheez its
• Ritz
• Hot & Spicy Cheez its
• Rosemary & Garlic Triscuts
• Wheat Thins
• Carr's Cracked Pepper Water Crackers
• An entire sleeve of Saltines (best when stoned)
• Club Crackers

• Las Vegas, NV (1995, 1997)
• Various Locales in Southern CA -Oceanside/Fallbrook/Carlsbad (all other years)
• San Francisco, CA (1999)
• New York, NY (2000, 2001)
• Seattle, WA (1982)
• Meridian, MS (1973-1976)
• Orange Park, FL (1977)

• "Let's watch Mister Show and David" (instead of Mr. Show With Bob & David)
• "I found this thing on the inetrnet, it's called Whykypedia" (instead of Wikipedia)
• "James got me that champagne, you know...it's called Vou Cleek" (instead of Vueve Cliqout)

• Strange Magic, ELO
• Wordless Chorus, My Morning Jacket
• Bell Bottom Blues, Derek & The Dominoes
• Pillow Talk, Sylvia
• Atomic, Blondie
• L'Femme D'Argent, AIR
• Blindfold, Morcheeba
• Golden Slumbers, The Beatles
• Black Cherry, Goldfrapp
• Magic, Olivia Newton-John
• Don't Disturb This Groove, The System
• Pony, Genuwine
• The Beautiful Ones, Prince & The Revolution
• The One Who Loves You, Glenn Frey
• Daddy's Home, Shep & The Limelites
• Maps, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• Don't Walk Away, ELO
• Night & Day, Al. B Sure!
• French Kissing in the USA, Debbie Harry
• Tonight's The Night, Rod Stewart

• walrus (war-us)
• robot (ro-butt)
• wolf (woof)
• kitten (kitt-enn)
• milk (malk)
• NOTE: As I was typing this, he seethed "God, I hate you SO MUCH."

• Cockroach (nee' Roach) - red dauchshund
• Black Cloud - black & red dauchshund, named after my Dad's Navy call name
• Darcy - stray cat that we adopted for a year, then she ran away
• Jenny - my beloved cat
• Peachy 1 - red dauchshund
• Peachy 2 - black & red dauchshund
• Binky - rat
• A Bunch of Mice I Bought For A Science Fair Assignment Who Bit And Who I Can't Remember The Names Of
• A Bag of Goldfish I Won At A Carnival That Lived in My Mom's Sun Tea Jar
• Cinders - my brother's rat
• Hamster that got loose and whose name I forget, was my little brother's
• Yorktown - my brother's basset hound, still alive
• Buddha - flame point Himilayan cat I rescued