- Sure, there are boys I dream about, and when I wake up I feel... more tired and I go back to sleep, hoping to see your face, even though I've slept for more than 20 hours.
- There are boys who make me wander around lost in Manhattan for hours and hours, and I kick cans and plastic bags in a fit of bitterness.
- There were boys, and I drank in their memory, whenther they had passed away or left me. And the only person who saw my tears were the poor souls who had nothing to do with it.
- Today, I finally took a bath and finally brushed my teeth, after being on a bender of depression (and sobreity!).
- I submerge my face in the water. It's lukewarm as always, and I think about what he told me. He has a son now and he can't play with me anymore. I think he told me this expecting to be a big surprise or shock or whatever.
- Sure, it was. But not really.
- But remember, JVB, this isn't really your first time experiencing this.
- Remember when you were 17 and a fresh face in the world of "adults" and how many of them ripped you apart?
- Remember how, each time it happened, you were kind of numb and blamed yourself?
- I've stumbled across a few married men, it's one of the perks that happens when you're a little teen looking for someone at least a decade older than you.
- It never fazed me too much. Call me a homewrecker but they sought me, or if not me, they'd find someone else.
- I emerge from my dumb, lukewarm bath. At least I'm clean and my hair isn't tangled anymore.
- I had fun. I felt things I haven't felt in a very long time, something on par to love, maybe adoration and optimism. Thanks for that. Prior to you, I felt like I would never feel anything like that again.
- In the end, thats all that matters.
- I don't want your pity or apologies because there's things I haven't told you and it's safe to say you don't know who I really am. You made it very easy for me to forget my sadness but, that was a lie too wasn't it?
- Anyways, I don't want to hear you apologize because what you did to me is basically,... nothing on the scale of fucked up that I've experienced.
- And look, I'm still alive. A little crazy and a little depressed but I'm still alive after everything. I'm so much stronger than you realize.
- I'm a tenacious little barnacle.
- Remember when I used to play tennis? I remember a few games, but remember the one where my coach had zero expectations for me to win and just put me into first singles on whim and I fucking wrecked that poor girl? I won. That's how I feel right now. Y'all wanna be shitty little dickshits; I'll rise above it. I don't need you, and all I can say is thank you for making me happy for a brief while.
- I'm just thankful that I can still feel happiness despite everything I've been through.
jan 21 2015 ∞
jun 13 2015 +