documenting the ups and downs of my everyday life with mental illness

i'm done with this list for now, trying to stay positive: here

• 02.06.16 didn't sleep at all last night due to anxieties. woke up feeling dizzy and depressed. spent most of the day in bed, it was rainy and cold outside. ended up saying things i didn't want to talk about with my exboyfriend. smoked two cigarretes. cried non-stop in the shower. watched a few videos on youtube that made me feel a little bit better a little bit worse all the same.
• 03.06.16. anxieties all day long. went out to a pub with friends, ended up meeting my exboyfriend. felt awfully awkward. got extremely drunk. told things i wish i didn't and cried like an idiot in front of him. "i still love you" "we are not getting back together". felt humilliated and stupid as hell.
• 04.06.16. drove back home at 6am, barely seeing straight just because i couldn't stand the thought of being next to him feeling like a stranger anymore. hangover. feelings of rejection. spent the day in bed crying. contemplating suicide like never before. on the edge. don't know why i'm living for anymore. don't have any reason to live for anymore.
• 05.06.16. pills and more pills. slept most of the time. have literally 0 interest in anything. got a bit happy when i read a nice comment from a random girl here. tried to watch a movie to see if i felt any better, i'm now just even more depressed (the movie is incredible though)
• 06.06.16. literally slept almost the entire day, had to run some errands in the morning, my head almost exploded, couldn't stand being around people. came back home, slept from 11am to 4pm then from 8pm to 1pm. thinking about dying, all the time.
• 07.06.16. managed to get out of bed at least. felt really sick in the afternoon, shaking, dizzy, nauseated. had to take an anxiolytic and a nap. can't do anything productive nor even read anything anymore. don't remember the last time i took a shower. don't feel like taking one. talking to strangers on periscope makes me feel a little bit better.
• 08.06.16. had an appointment with a new psychiatrist, really liked this one, she was fun and seemed to get me. prescribed me a new antidepressant. went to the mall with mother. bought new shoes. felt guilty afterwards. ate an expensive piece of cake with cappuccino. felt even more guilty. currently addicted to "stitches", going to watch it now. (i really hope kirsten and cameron get together and have rough sex at some point.)
• 09.06.16. started with a new medication today. didn't feel any side effects. managed to stay awake during the day. mood swings going wild again though, i call them "mood elevators". talked to a friend about having casual sex, not sure if i want this or not, like everything else in my life. binge watched stitchers and finished season 1, now i must watch the first episode of season 2 orelse my anxiety will kill me.
• 10.06.16. side effects may include: dizziness, nausea and increase of anxiety. felt it all today. wish i could go out, at the same time i don't. my mind is killing me.
• 11.06.16. felt terribly anxious and sad, spent the night at a friend's. got drunk and silly and felt safe around him.
• 12.06.16. came back home and started feeling the same shitty way again. i feel like i'm always being haunted by my past mistakes. i hate that everyone knows everyone in this town. i hate that i can't seem to bond with anyone my age and people judge me for that, and i judge myself for that. i don't know what to do anymore.
• 13.06.16. he did it: he blocked me from every social network he's on. i felt so weird, like he wants to literally erase me from his life. i've watched "eternal sunshinse of a spotless mind" too many times to know this never works. i feel less worse than i'd imagine though. the image of the person i used to love is fading away slowly. each day it hurts a little less.
• 15.06.16. feeling like all this medication is killing my feelings away. bad ones and good ones. there is, though, an emptiness, a void inside. that can never be filled. i know it will never be filled.
• 16.06.16. starting to oversleep again.
• 17.06.16. had my first appointment with my new psy.
• 20.06.16. i'm always thinking about death and dying, yet when something like it happens it is sick and brutal. i've spent the day in bed depressed about anton yelchin's death and how cruel it all seems. my psychiatrist called me to see how i was handling the new medication. she said i need to wait another 10-15 days to see the real effects. cried a lot over so many mixed up emotions.
• 22.06.16. didn't sleep AT ALL last night. so many thoughts. i spend the nights making plans and they never seem to make sense in the morning, probably cause i'm too drowsy all the time. afternoon came and with it a lot of anxieties. i want to change everything about myself. like a snake. become somebody else.
• 23.06.16. went out tonight. got drunk. got stoned. made some pretty bad decisions. nothing ever fills the emptiness.
• 24.06.16. went home at 7am, cancelled my therapy appointment. hangover all day long. thinking about dying more and more and more. so heartbroken, so heartbroken. and that asshole might not even remember i exist anymore. i just don't feel like living, i just want to disappear. nothing matters anymore. I AM HELPLESS I AM HELPLESS
• 26.06.16. tried to kill myself, obviously didn't succeed, i'm a fucking failure.
• 27.06.16. a friend came by, for my surprise, i didn't realize random people cared for me. it made me feel better. now i just feel drowsy and like throwing up.
• 29.06.16. finally a good day. some downs, of course. went out with z, he always tries to make me see the bright side of things. smoked pot and felt funny, despite that my feelings keep going up and down. i'll probably be commited to a institution soon.
• 30.06.16. some days i swear even waking and getting out of bed means screwing up something.
• 01.07.16. everyday is an emptier day.
• 05.07.16. would anyone notice if i just disappear? would anyone truly care?
• 14-29.07.16 got commited to a mental hospital, lots of experiences i will never forget. i feel like i'm able to try and live again.
• 17.08.16. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS!