Interesting because I have been having the urge (particularly yesterday) to create my Weekly Recap exactly one week ago from when I wrote the first one.

(I find it interesting because it felt like I subconsciously 'knew' it was time to write again. Hehe)

I'm writing today with the primary intention to acknowledge all that has transpired this past week, to hold space to process, and also to tap into gratitude (which I feel I have been lacking in recently).

This Week's Highlights:

Where do I start?

• I got my haircut last Jan 28!
• Ara's Traumatic Experience
• Closure with Ea
• Movement on project with Cris
• Feelings of and thought patterns around insecurity and unworthiness.

I guess this week is just hard to put into bullet forms. I felt inadequate to be a good friend. I don't feel capable enough to get hired at a new job and to earn a decent, livable, amount of money. I don't feel skilled enough to be considered good at a particular skill. I feel unsure if I have what it takes for my dreams to come true - and by dreams, I just imagine a life of peace where I have enough to pay the bills on time. And a little extra to treat friends and loved ones when I want to.

I feel tired. It has been a tiring week, emotionally and mentally. Yesterday (it's Feb 4 today), I was in an online meeting and I just felt lost. Like I wasn't present or I don't know where to find myself. Or rather, where to place myself given all that is happening in our household, in the local-to-global level, and in my personal life.

I can't even journal because I don't know where to begin. Which thoughts to I dissect? Which do I just leave as they are? How do I refrain from picking at wounds and when do I recognize it's time to soothe them not ignore them?

For now, I think my inner critic is too harsh on me so I'm choosing to turn away. I'm choosing to tune out its voice because it's pulling me down and it's also preventing me from showing up the way I want to.

Stop telling me how I could have done better when I did all I could from the emotional, mental, and physical energies available to me at that time.

Stop telling me I'm alll alone when I have friends and loved ones who care for me and love me and will show up for me in times of need, in times of struggle, and in times of triumph.

Stop hating me. Stop blaming me. Stop picking on me. We're just hurting each other in the process. For now, I don't even want to know why you're doing this. I just want to move forward without you. I'm done with your hurtful words and you're impossible standards that just keeps getting raised ever time I take a step forward.

I'm done. I'm parting with you. Allow me to move forward. Allow me to fly. Allow me to soar. See where I can take us, if you set me free.

I love you.

_

I feel a part of me hasn't also fully recovered yet from last week's 'distraction'. (By that, I mean change of plans than intended). I had to extend my stay at Taytay for a week because my lola was not physically able to take care of herself. I didn't want to stay that long there and I also didn't expect the kind of care asked from me at that time.

I had to clean up my lola's pwet because she's unable to wash herself. I held her poop in my hands. H a h a. I had to change her diapers and her clothing. It improved as the week went by and she was able to manage going to the bathroom by herself again but...it was a shocking experience for me.

I think at that time I acted like I didn't care but...it actually kind of shook me. All this time, I kept thinking what a humbling experience it was. And it still is. But I think I didn't give myself a window to acknowledge that it felt unpleasant, uncomfortable, and shocking. And now, I'm giving those feelings space.

I think a part of me also feared what this incident means for me. Do I have to go back home and look after lola? Will I have no choice?

Will I have no choice?

What a scary thought that is. I think it was a subconscious thought that may have been pressing me all this while (woah, just had a deja vu of typing here!) as I went through a new week.

I feared not having a choice (which equates to a certain level of freedom, right?)...if I lost my job or don't find a job in time. I feared having to go back home. I feared having to part physically with Ara. I feared / I fear being by myself.

I feared having no control of how my life will unfold from here onwards...

Reflection Points

• How do I value my relationships?

This thought comes to mind as I observe or notice that I rely on only one person to feel validated. I have many relationships yet I may have been taking them for granted. I subconsciously look at myself as a higher being than them (Mel) or as equals (Cris). And then when it comes to Ara, I look at her as someone above me...

How can I practice balancing these relationships' dynamics?

I want to see myself in others. That is to work towards the oneness that resides in all of us. To see my neighbor as my equal. To see myself in them. To see them as deserving to be listened to, heard, seen, witnessed.