[Light Blue for June]

If I were to be honest, I feel far from where I want to be.

And a part of me wonders, am I walking further away from it? or am I moving closer?

I say far because I wanted to relocate. I wanted a new home. With more light. With more soil. With more of what earth has to offer.

Yet here I am, seemingly squeezing myself between the walls of the city. Tightening its grip on me, Perhaps avoiding being taken out of it.

This is not what I want, I think to myself.

Why did I put myself back into the human factory grind of working shifts and hours per day when I had, I had the opportunity already to walk away. When I was already beginning a life according to how I want to live it? Unbound work hours, freedom to take on tasks or attend activities that come my way...

I realized though, that it's only lately or recently when I started believing that I can live that life.

It's only recently that I started believing that my talent and skill can take me where I want to be. That I am skilled enough to create appealing content or visuals. That I am skilled enough to ask to be compensated rightly. That I am skilled enough and worthy enough to be in control of my own time.

I don't necessarily feel that my new job is a curse. I feel neutral about it and I feel there's a possibility here. But I also feel like it's a procrastination, a detour. (What if it can be a bridge?)

Aah, I don't know.

Earlier tonight I read a post about plants teaching how it takes time to adjust to a new home when you uproot and repot it.

I'd like to think I am that plant, taken out of its home. Repotted because it needs more room to grow. Repotted because, there's more room to grow.

This reminds me of a recent reflection of how perhaps, I have outgrown where I was staying these past two years (since pandemic started) and I was desperately trying to fit into the same, old shell when it was actually time to find a new one.

Oh, dear Mother. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what lies ahead. I ask for your help to help me see clearly, to help me trust, more than understand. May I be anchored in faith in my purpose, in my mission, in my calling, that which is not fully disclosed to me yet pulls me closer to it.

Oh, dear Mother. Help me. Help me. I am a confused daughter, sister, child. Perhaps I have an idea of what is going on, yet I don't seem to comprehend or understand. What I ask for though is to help me keep loving, Be loving.

Please help me be like you, dear Mother. Gentle in her strength. Quiet in her fortitude. Resilient in her love.

Teach me to be like you.