Today was my first day of work reporting to the office.

What's my next step?

is a question I can ask, I realize. It's okay to consult how I should proceed. It's okay to admit that I don't know what to do next or what follows after. It's okay to be unfamiliar with what I'm doing or what I am asked to do.

When you can't find the answers within, turn outward. Explore who you can reach out to for help, guidance, or consultation. It's okay. There are people who want to help.

Earlier today, my boss asked me, "Why?" on the the status of my deliverables being...absent or unfinished yet. I wasn't able to answer and I felt myself feeling slightly embarrassed, a little surprised, but also...calmer than I would have been if I were Aien from the years when I was at Ivory & White. I also witnessed a glimpse of how my boss could be like when she's holding back her...anger?

This scene lingered around me for a while, up until our meeting ended and well, until tonight as I'm typing this. I find myself wondering a little what she could have discussed with ACR briefly after our meeting. Was it about me and how they're worried over my performance?

That could be true but how do I choose to let that affect me? There's an I want to know, I want to know (what they talked about) sensation but there's also an, I don't need to know. What can I focus on next to meet my goals?

I also feel like this situation at work is teaching me how to plot deadlines or goals and the steps I need to take in order to reach them.

I admit that I do have my own shortcomings though regarding this matter. I did not maximize the time I had to work on some of my tasks and secondly, I settled with the idea that I don't know what I'm doing and I can't be blamed for my lack of knowledge.

Though this is partly true and my superiors acknowledge this and are very understanding of it, I learned that I have the avenue to ask and consult and admit / disclose that I'm not sure how to proceed.

I assumed that I'm expected to know what I'm doing, to be familiar with it, and to have new, fresh ideas but since I'm still familiarizing myself with how to do things, the fresh ideas are coming at a later time. That's okay.

I still have a chance. Tomorrow is a new day to work towards becoming the person I want to be (or to work towards what I want to accomplish).

All is well.

I'm thankful that I'm in the company of a good work team. I feel like there is an openness that allows for safe, honest, and direct communication that withholds or sets aside personal judgement. I think it's a safe place to be my full self - allowed to make mistakes and given guidance on how to improve them. There is room for growth.