Let August be pink, for love.

Today is my best friend's birthday. A year or two ago, I remember not being in the most loving space around the same time too. I was feeling angry and resentful because I was feeling neglected. There she was, preoccupied with the death of a martyr and there I was wanting badly to be notice or paid attention to.

I know and I am witness to how each of us have changed over the span of two years. I think a part of me finds it challenging to accept or even believe that a lot can change in such as short time. It's hard to fathom. It's challenging to take in and make way for what's arriving to arrive. It goes against what I'm used to when things took years or ages to build, develop, bubble, or blossom. Like how the foundation or trunk of our friendship took years to build or strengthen and now, it's time for its leaves to spring forth begging to be reached by the sun, yearning to be illuminated in the sun.

This morning I made the intention, I want to stop hurting. Hurting myself with what I believed our friendship to be in these past two years - beliefs founded on fear instead of love. I want to stop picking on my wounds or what I deem are our wounds and give it time to heal. It may be difficult but it is possible. I want to heal and I want Ara to heal. It is from a place of healing that we can meet each other again. I want to trust that. If there's one thing I want to lean on, I want to lean on the truth that Ara will choose love. And so will I. I've always done my best and continue to do my best to choose love.

My dearest soul, I no longer understand what I'm grieving for or why I keep hurting. I think of it as shedding just shedding old leaves that are ready to fall away, leave, and give space for new ones to grow. There are no promises that it won't be painful but there is a promise that it won't hurt forever. It won't hurt forever, my love. You don't have to stay in a place of hurting.

Oh, my dearest soul. I pray for love. I pray for love to find me and blossom within me so I can once again share it with those around me. And I also want to learn how to be kind to myself in my waiting. May I be compassionate and loving towards myself until my cup is full again and ready to overflow. It's okay to not have your cup full at the moment. It's okay if you need more time to fill it again - more than what you're used to.

Lord, I pray that I can let go of the fears that narrow my vision of love and compassion. My fears that make me think or focus only on myself and my narratives about the self and my projections towards others. May I learn or practice seeing from others' perspectives. May my empathy grow and with it my love, understanding, and compassion. May I trust in my ability and my gifts to hold a multitude of feelings in my heart - to hold, make space, yet be generous with my permission to let them go as needed. May I recognize when something has overstayed, when a feeling needs more time to be seen, and to identify which experiences I wish to keep as they bring joy.

Oh Lord, may I be loving. May I be loving. May I be loving. Loving like a true Mother.

May I experience my own forgiveness. May I accept that forgiveness doesn't happen all at once, and may I recognize that it is a process.

It is only through being able to forgive myself that I am truly able to forgive those who've hurt me - in the past and in the future; in past lifetimes and in this one.

May I be forgive, may I forgive, I forgive.

~~~

Lord, thank you for the gift of music that has been reaching out and calling to me - for the gift of song and sensation, tune and transformation.

Thank you for teaching me how there is communication even when we don't speak the same language (words vs tune, for example - how a song, even without lyrics, can communicate or evoke feelings). I think that in itself is very magical. Thank you for showing me that I can can create song even if I've never had experience with an instrument before (ukelele, kalimba). It's teaching me and reminding me that we are innately creative beings and it is in our nature and our gift to create from ~nothing. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you I am writing here again in this journal. Thank you I wrote again in my written diary. It feels good to have space for my thoughts and words to flow, to have space for my thoughts and feelings to be received - without judgement, without comment, just is. Just as I am being.

Thank you for re-acquainting me with crystals. They feel like familiar friends even if the sensation is very subtle.

Take it step by step, step by step.

I have friends and I have loved ones. I have things and people and experiences I love. Even I'm finding joy in my pain or difficulties at times - because they are reminders that I am alive and I am human and I have soul that will keep me finding joy.

Thank you for the invitation to sew again. This time, I want to respond to this call and take action.

Thank you for the give of a new candle. It was interesting to witness how I knew I was going to win it. I even felt a little smug about it. Hahaha. Yet it was amazing to witness that power. (_May I learn to use it for the good of all._)

~~~ Dear Lord, may I not react or respond from the aches of my wounds. May I practice coming from a place of healing and healed, of constant evolution.