21st //

"Baka naman very emotional or sensitive ka lang." "Baka naman may career crisis ka lang."

I guess these are the kinds of statements that haunt you when you're struggling to decipher yourself if you have a mental illness or "just going through a phase." Though, I guess if you do have a mental health condition, you will definitely have phases - multiple of it probably.

These were a couple of phrases my friend told me when I disclosed that I started going to counselling saying that all those years of people pleasing probably finally got to me. I also mentioned how for a time I couldn't "decide" if I have a mental illness and how it makes me feel guilty if I do consider myself sick, it will not do justice to those who are actually diagnosed or those who really have mental health illnesses.

It haunted me as I slept, leaving me doubting myself yet again. What feels real to me? What's my reality? I was also feeling anxious about going to work today even if it will just be for a little while to turnover a few things I wasn't able to let them know that needs to be done (that sentence sounds complicatedly written...). It bothered me because I know she had a relative who committed suicide quite recently and I thought she would have been more understanding. Though again, that could also be the very reason why she's misunderstanding me. Perhaps my situation doesn't seem as grave. It's very difficult to describe one's personal mental struggles to someone else.

I went to work early today so I can avoid having to see everyone else. Jona was early so I prepared the things I needed to mention. She stayed in the production room as I stayed in the receiving area. Immediately, I found myself crying over the amount of work I've left them with and how I couldn't be of any help. Not at the state I'm in. I wept also because I realized even more that I didn't want to be there. I wept because I couldn't bring myself to tell them how I felt about work and the reason why I'm taking a leave at such a hectic time at work. I also couldn't bring myself to apologize because I don't think an apology is enough to compensate for what I've done. I felt like the cruelest person on earth, leaving them to suffer until the 23rd of December; a few days before Christmas. Will I be able to recover from this guilt and have a face to show when I get back on the 27th?