23rd //

Yesterday, I went to see a psychiatrist. What pushed me was thinking that whatever I'm going through mentally is already showing some physical manifestations - like my head or brain is just tense all the time and it becomes numb in places from all the overthinking. I've also been sleeping later than usual. Always past midnight, around 2am. Though that can be brought about by night outs and late Christmas shopping. When I wake up, I don't feel rested and my body even feels sore. My appetite has changed. I still eat but I just know that my palette ~feels differently now. I also eat "just because I know I have to." That's what I'm supposed to do right so I'll have energy? But I don't feel as strongly towards food as I have before (and man, if you know me, I LOVE food). My bowel is also a bit affected - especially when I'm at work. I tend to go to the bathroom more often, around twice in between the 8 hours of work.

I was her last appointment and as I started talking, I was talking so fast that I needed to catch my breath at one point. We did a couple of deep breathing after that - though it really didn't calm me down and I kept on talking faster after. HAHAHA. I was able to describe my situation naman though I missed siguro a few points but I think I was able to give a general idea of the cycle I've been. The doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and being in the depressed mode at the moment. Bipolar is when you have extreme highs and downs - and for me it's been a cycle since high school, if I will trace back "correctly." I can't be too sure but that's when I experienced my first low.

I was given antidepressants and sleeping pills - though I actually have no problem sleeping now that I'm back in Taytay. I think the proximity of my apartment to my workplace stresses my brain more but when I'm not anywhere near work, my brain is more relaxed. I didn't take any of the medicines last night and I slept well naman. Not immediately but it was before midnight. I wake up today and I actually feel energized and hyper, talking loudly and laughing. I think this kind of "switch in moods" is actually what confuses me a lot about my situation. I feel completely okay one day and it would make me wonder how I felt so sad just the day before. I feel better knowing that I'm trying to figure this out with the help of professionals. For so long, I've wanted to put a label on my condition because I feel it would help put my mind at ease. Though now that I've been "diagnosed", I have my doubts why no tests were taken (like questionnaires answered) and I only had one consultation and was diagnosed already. Hmm....though, I will be seeing her again on Dec 27 or next year. I'll keep you posted!