26th //

There's never really silence when you keep hearing your own thoughts.

I realized today, that my heart does a little turn at the though of being left alone. Earlier today, my siblings impulsively decided to go to Zambales with a friend of ate's. I couldn't join in as my work resumes tomorrow. Instantly, worry washed over me and I panicked at how I'll be left with my thoughts - no distractions of making harutan with my siblings. I panicked at how close the hours were ticking towards a new work day. Right now, I am alone at the apartment. Mom drove me before she dropped of lola at our tita's house. I'm alone and there's a panic in my bones, I feel it in the thump-thump-thump of my heart. There's a slight weight there. Like it's being pressed on, like something's pressing over. I'm not even sure if it's beating underneath layers of fat or if it's beating too rapidly that I can't event tell. All can think of right now is how it's night time and there's work tomorrow. It will just be 3 days of work and I can have a short break again to celebrate the new year. 3 days of work. It feel like I will barely get through one alone.

There's also a slight panic in me because I think I might have diabetes. I checked all boxes in the list of symptoms when I checked. I feel so unhealthy and also feel like I don't have time to take care of myself that way I want to. I can't multitask. Work seems in the way. It's consuming too much of my mental and emotional energy as well as physical. My heart's making me feel like I'm gonna die soon. I'm not sure if it's from being physically unfit or emotionally unfit, or both. :( I'll schedule a check-up soon just to make sure.