31st //

Last writing for the year. I skipped a lot of days in a row and honestly, I'm feeling lazy to trace back and write about them. I must though, in order to remember -and reflect, perhaps.

Work resumed on the 27th and instantly, I felt anxious about all the catching-up I had to do, work I needed to perform. I got through the day but on the 28th, I had a breakdown during lunch. I vent it all out to Ara about how I felt hopeless when it comes to work; how it makes me feel like there's no way I'll get through it; how, when I think about staying a couple of months more - I wonder what will be left of me after. However, I felt so much better after releasing all those pent-up emotions. When I went back to work in the afternoon, I felt the opposite. I felt like I can see myself getting over this hurdle. The next day, was an echo of that afternoon.

On the 29th, I was pretty excited because it was our last work day for the year - and my boss will be around to give our last payroll. For me that meant I can talk to her first about my recent feelings of wanting to resign. My resignation feels is brought about more of by my feelings of incompetency. I felt like I wasn't living up to my potential and that frustrated me. I also worried about how that affects the rest of my team.

My boss reassured me, letting me know that she trusts me completely and if there's anything I need, I should let her know because she will help me. I appreciated that because to hear her say it out loud that she trusts me is very...flattering? I feel like she didn't trust Ja much. Hehehe. I guess that also meant a lot to me because I remember my first year in the job; one of my goals was to earn her trust which I found a bit difficult to do when Jaja was around because I'm scared that some of the things that Ja does which our boss disagrees with, she'll associate with me as well. (That was a very complicated sentence to type. I don't think I got it accurately but oh well).

As of now, I'm thinking of giving it (work) a shot until the middle of the 2018. From then I'll decide if I'll continue onto the next year. :)