Wow. There are just so many things occupying space in my mind right now - or consuming my energy, I could say.

There are many things I want to attend to. Yes, that is true. It's also true that I don't have energy for all at the moment. I want to make peace with that or ease into that truth. All in Divine time, is true.

Today, June 27, 2022, I'm thinking of so many things I want to do including:

• I want to attend the paralegal orientation scheduled today, but...
  • My brain is maxed out, I feel. Maxed out debating if I should attend or not because I have other responsibilities I need to accomplish today.
  • One, I had a 10am online meeting which I had to take while in transit because I also last minute, and quite unmindfully or disembodiedly decided to change my Sunday plans.
  • Two, I had a proposal I promised to deliver today for work. I'm not sure how long it would take me. I assumed it would be less than 2 hours. I think it took me 3 hours.
  • I still had time to make it to the orientation but my brain feels fried already. When I feel that, I usually wonder if it's even worth it to go because I won't have space anyway.
  • Then thoughts of, "I'm the worst / I'm so useless (_wala akong kwenta_) / etc," arise. I start to overworry about what others are thinking of me especially loved ones or people I care about. I fear they might find me useless or unhelpful or unreliable and I'll lose their trust. I guess I highly value having people trust me - therefore wanting to prove so fiercely that I am the man for the job. (Man is the first word that came to me before woman. Maybe it's a masculine wound thing?)
  • I also worry about...or wonder about what is it that I truly value. What is it that we truly value, Aien? I consider so many external factors in my decision making that I neglect, drown, or overshadow my innermost wisdom that knows what to do without forcing, without much effort, without anything else but silence, and stillness, and being.

My brain's going to burst.

I'm just mostly typing away here to clear my head and to purge. Empty the shell. Cleanse and renew.

I feel flooded with insights, one after another. Bombarded. I'm not complaining but I guess I just feel a little stressed out because I might not be acting on them despite being provided with the information, you know? For example, when an insight comes along, do I...apply that insight to my next decision-making or scene in my life or do I just ignore it? Because the purpose of insight is not to ignore but be intentional.

I feel that I am slowly being presented the path. Choose one over the other, choose one over the other - which road are you getting more deeper into? Is it the one leading to your highest version or are you repeating ancient patterns and just rooting yourself more into grounds /soil you swore you would emancipate yourself from?

---

I'm disappointed with myself because I feel like I have not done anything to help fight against the injustice my friends and comrades received, second week of June. I feel like I could have been more vocal about it. Maybe more assertive. Maybe more informative / educating. Maybe more supportive. Maybe more expressive. But I feel disappointed that I still cower at the thought of being rejected for what I believe in. I feel sorry that I still place a higher value on my image than what would help revolutionize the conditioning we've all grown up in. I feel unworthy of forgiveness for my lack of participation.

And I wonder, I wonder..._what if the time to rise is now, Aien?_ What if it's not tomorrow, not in two weeks, not in a few months or next year, but now. Every present moment feels so crucial to the history we're creating - not just for ourselves, but the whole society.

A question, Are you on your side, Aien? Do you cheer for yourself? Are you your own cheerleader or are you your worst critic? Which one would you rather be? (I say the former!)