Dear Aien,

Like any beginning, I'm not sure where to start. What to say? What to share?

Lately, I've been feeling unhappy. I don't find joy in what I do. Yes, there are things to be grateful for in each moment and I still recognize these - the clear blue sky, a flock of birds passing, a kind stranger in the streets, the nature of nature.

But these are all happening outside of me and I feel I have little time to take them in because I've been preoccupied not just with actually doing work but also thinking about work that has to be done.

It's wearing me out, the daily demands of work. Work I find little fulfillment in. I'm not sure if I agree with its intentions, or if I resonate with it.

Our boss says we're all in this together and I do appreciate the team I'm in, the team we have, but there's a part of me that doesn't care if the event doesn't turn out as its most ideal. A part of me even feels relief when it imagines the event won't push through.

And I question that part of me that doesn't care. Wondering, how can I be so heartless or selfish? What does these feelings mean or wish to tell me?

I feel maybe I have been taking on too much that I haven't had space to recognize if I (still) resonate with what I'm doing.

This applies to org things too.

I am also recognizing that all these things I am experiencing right now are somewhat a result of how I didn't take action on the nudge back in 2020 or 2021 to move. The invitation was to relocate far from the city or to a new place, at least. I got fearful. I panicked. I panicked a lot regarding what it could mean to my relationship with A*a who has been my housemate for so long and also now, my comrade too.

That took a year for me to settle down and feel more secure in our relationship and now that that's ~over.

--- I remember dreaming of Erica and apologizing for how I acted back then. I was impulsive in my decision. Overwhelmed with work then and also what's going on in our group of friends. It felt the easy way out (instead of actually communicating where I was coming from or how the whole thing is affecting me). I think Erica responded ~madly at first but I can sense that it was just a front and she's still a softie underneath it all.

I do think that I'd like to catch up with them very seldomly but with full presence and packed with really good energy - like once to twice a year! ---

I think I've been having heavy dreams lately.

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I want to resign not because I want to give-up and the role has its challenges but...I just don't see the point of what we're doing as a company in the grand scheme of things.

I think the heart of the company and my heart, don't align. And it could be simply that reason that makes me want to resign. I don't have to over complicate it or over explain or over dissect or understand it for it to feel acceptable, valid, or the like.

It's just simply what it is. And I don't have to prove to others that this is what I need or this is my truth.

I have to first and foremost believe in it myself and trust that this is how I feel and this is what I need to act on.

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I look forward to July next year, where I am back in Taytay - in our new home, our new space, with my own bedroom, in a new environment with a pool and a garden nearby.

I am excited to have a lot of free time, to be unbound by time. To have the day ahead of me and wondering what sorts of activities I can fill it with. What can I take my time doing?

I'm excited to be away from it all - to have space from people and spaces that greatly influence me or affect me.

I'm excited to spend the whole morning under the sky and just being and doing my morning rituals and prayers, before my day progresses into more gradual activity such as working or creating/crafting.

And so it is.

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Trust the process, love. We will get there in time.

What actions and decisions can you make now that will lead you there?