- i want to be dead. i want to be dead. i want to be dead. please
- if there actually happens to be someone Up There who listens to everyday wishes and prayers, please listen to and grant this one. i don't want to be alive anymore. i don't deserve to be alive anymore, either. if i keep screwing up like this, it's just going to inconvenience the lives of perfectly normal people who now have to put up with my shit. all because i have to work and earn a living. and these wonderful people don't need that
- i genuinely can't believe i locked myself out and forgot to take my keys
- today was going to be a great day full of freedom and leisure. i had it all planned out: a shower, then a nap, do some washing up, then some washing downstairs, maybe listen to music for a bit, go on the computer, if i had time pop down to woolies and get a chocolate
- and with just one forgetful moment, all of that went to hell and i've been sitting here doing nothing for a full three hours. with another two or so to go, wishing i was dead
- i'm going to be busy for the next week, this was my only chance to relax and have some fun. i'm so pissed with myself
- i'm also starving, had the smallest most hasty breakfast (and no dinner last night, my own fault). i can smell the neighbours cooking their lunches. this is just excellent
- and i fear i may have used all of fleur's wifi, which...again, i want to be dead so that she doesn't have to be suspicious of me
- oh my god you have NO idea how much i don't want to be here right now
- someone kill me someone kill me someone kill me, please, i beg you
- i can't not have suicidal thoughts at the moment, it's inconceivable to even remotely want to continue living
- you would think forgetting your keys would be okay, just let it go and things will be fine once someone comes back to let you in. right? wrong. so wrong. this is probably the worst way i could have screwed up a day living here
- where's a hitman when i need one
- looking back on today and its wasted six hours, i realise i may have overreacted quite a bit. it's not the worst thing to forget your keys, i understand, but for me it was absolutely mortifying and a waste of a day. i'm more annoyed than anything
- the bright side to today, if i take a moment to force myself to think of something positive, it's probably good that i had no plans today. that would have stuffed me around a LOT
- the worst part of today was a thing i should have anticipated but stupidly didn't. about two and a half hours before ali came to my rescue, i needed to pee. now, i'm not an animal. i forced myself not to go in the backyard. i would much rather wet my pants than regret going in the garden for the rest of my being here. so i may have burst one of my kidneys today for holding it in three hours? that's a strong possibility
- when ali came, she and i kind of got into a discussion about mike again. she made me re-realise what a dick the man is. he's really...remember those thoughts i had of him when we first met? my pretty okay impression of him? that was a total pretense. ali explained that he often puts that sunny 'i'm such a loving father' front up for people he just meets, and then later on down the track his real ugly character surfaces and leaves you pretty pissed and blindsided. i'm experiencing that right now. i can't believe i ever had a positive thought about the asshole. and being around him makes me uncomfortable (ali has noticed anyway and mentioned it to fleur)
- he and fleur were together for well over a decade. some of the things ali told me he did and said were horrifically derogatory and disgusting - why did fleur settle for that? it made me wonder what she ever saw in him. and why did she have children to him?! ugh
- tomorrow's going to be busy. i was already well deprived of sleep last night and all of today, so i'm going to hit the sack early. force myself to
- poor fleur. i feel for her. the way ali put it - "she's giving out her love and looking for someone to give it to because she's been held back so long" - it really hit me. she's such a lovely woman. there was something about her laugh last night that really touched me. as if she's this carefree, unhindered spirit. hearing her laugh like that with her friends really made me happy
- i mean, with my being here, it allows her to have a little bit more "me time". i'm aiming for that. i really want her to have a life outside of being a mum (and after the shit of a life she had with mike). i'm here to help :)
- i can't stress how lovely fleur is. she just needs to get some of her priorities in order. we all do! i'm one to talk
- i'll end this on a good note: current worst nightmare did not come true! we still have wi-fi. yes!!!
mar 8 2017 ∞
mar 9 2017 +
mar 9 2017 +