May 5, 2015 — I don't want anyone else.

March 14, 2014 — I love you. I’ve told you a thousand times. I once told you on a night that you loved someone else how much I meant it. I choked it out with tears in my eyes and a desperation that I didn’t know I could feel until then. I knew that you were sick of hearing it but I said it anyway because I’m selfish. I needed you to know even though it wasn’t something you wanted to hear from anyone else but him, and I’m sorry. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

I told you to forget. You said ‘okay’ and nodded and put me to sleep after I fell on the floor too many times and hit my head. I got up the next morning, still drunk on stupidity and wine. I tried to tell you sorry, but you ignored it. Because why would I be sorry? Nothing had happened yesterday. That was months ago, but I still think about it today when I hear you laughing with him on the phone before you both go to sleep.

I have dreams about you sometimes. You’re always just out of reach. You invite me to bed and I tell you I’ll be right there, but there’s always something stopping me from getting there. You’re just as impatient in my dreams as you are in real life, and soon, when I reach the blankets, you’re gone and I’m left alone. I woke up in the dark.

We used to joke about getting married. Sometimes I wonder if I was ever joking at all when we talked about it. I never hear you mention it anymore, not since he came into your life. But I still think about it. I want you for myself, and I’m so sorry. I know you don’t belong to anyone. But when you talk about how I’m yours, it makes me so happy. Because I am. I’m completely, utterly, unabashedly yours.

I know that you’ll never feel the same. I know I’ll probably be over this someday. But I love you. I always will, even though it might not be the same kind of love that I feel for you now. You’ll never read this, but please, be kind to yourself. And I hope that you’ll be happy with him in the future.

March 4, 2014 - I miss writing, or at least being able to form coherent thoughts in my head without them turning into a jumble as they hit paper. I want to see my friends more often than once every season. I want to be able to not have guilt about everything that I've done or will do. There's an absence of joy in my life right now and I can't tell if it's caused by my loneliness or inadequacy. I miss everyone and I need someone to miss me back.

sometime in early 2013 – I like to be alone. I like the calm quiet; the comfort of knowing that I don't have to speak or be spoken to. I can wrap myself up in the silence of a room and feel that everything is okay, for as long as no one else is there.

April 22, 2013 — I want I want I want. I want someone's lips on my neck. I want to press up against someone and feel heat and passion and more want. I want hands in my hair and fingers caressing my thighs. This is madness.

April 4, 2013 — I can't believe that you would think that. I can't believe that you would come expecting me to do something with you because that is complete bullshit. I haven't even talked to you for real in like a year or so. And with what's been going on between you and her? And him? I don't know what to say to you. I know I told you I wouldn't bring it up if you wouldn't, but I just can't with you. That was a really fucked up thing to do to me and you've put me in a terribly awkward situation. I just hope no one else finds out what happened.

March 26, 2013 — Looking back at how I felt last year, I think breaking up with you was the best decision for me. My happiness has doubled now that my existence doesn't revolve around yours. It wasn't your fault, I'm sorry. I'm just really enjoying my freedom. And I'm talking to my friends again, and I'm so happy. I just love everything.

February 28, 2013 — On February 29th, I'm going to tell you how I feel about you. On the 30th, I'm going to get over you. On the 31st, I'm going to live life without the thought of you always lingering in my mind.

January 21, 2013 — Okay. So I'm trying to get to know you more but that's really hard because we never really have these deep meaningful conversations and I don't know how to make those happen anyway. Maybe I should hang out with you but that would be awkward. I'm just really sdifjslkdf.

January 15, 2013 — I've stopped talking to you. I really can't decide if it's for better or for worse. I kind of just want to make myself better, to be more desirable for you... But I realize that this is just a fantasy. You probably won't want me no matter what I do. So I'll just leave you alone and try not to think of you. I just wish I'd left you alone.

November 26, 2012 — I acknowledged it last month on Halloween. And I really wish I hadn't because now it's even worse than before. Why can't I just talk to you?

October 20, 2012 — I'm not okay with it. I wish you wouldn't do that. You know how I feel about him.

October 2, 2012 — I can feel my loneliness and it's affecting me more than it should.

September 8, 2012 — I want you but so does she and I don't think you like me or will ever think of me as anyone other than that 12-year-old girl who hated you for being a boy so I'll just leave you alone. God damn it, why did you have to be so fucking attractive? Who allowed you to grow up while I basically stayed the same? Fuck you.

April 14, 2012 — You really don't know how much I love you, do you? I love you so much that when I'm around you I actually find it harder to breathe. I can't eat, sleep, think when you're near. Sometimes when I feel that life is unbearable, unendurable, I think of you. And it makes me want to live, because I couldn't bear the thought of not waking up and having you to talk to. And when I'm in your arms and you kiss me and I find myself dizzied and there are stars in my eyes, I know that I would relive every terrible thing in my life just for you to do it again. With you, it's almost as if all of the pain and suffering I've experienced has just been a dream because when I look at you all I can feel is happiness. That's how much I love you.

April 10, 2012 — I don't feel any different.

March 28, 2012 — I'm so fucked up, I'm sorry for that too.

March 25, 2012 — I'm sorry that I can't be there for you right now. I'll give you the biggest hug I've ever given you the next time I see you.

March 22, 2012 — That wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't how I was supposed to feel.

March 20, 2012 — I'm so lonely.

March 17, 2012 — I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. All I want is for us to be so lost in hugs and kisses when I see you that one wouldn't be able to tell where I ended and you began. Soon isn't soon enough.

March 16, 2012 — I'm so sad. I don't even know why. Maybe I should draw something to make myself feel better. I'll spill my tears into the lines and swirls that make it whole and everything will be better.