• summer/detached feelings
  • had a panic attack sunday night
    • roommate left, and she wasn't back yet, and i thought we had UU soon
    • called her, and she didn't pick up
    • it went from wondering where she was and why she wasn't back yet, to having panicky thoughts about things that could have happened to her--not specific, but still
    • tried to breathe and meditate, but didn't really help; might want to come up with better coping crisis things
  • bad weekend?
    • good: friends visited from home, watched film, good socialization things, had conversation with J that wasn't awful (may visit during fall break????)
    • but really tired, almost no sleep, worry about other people
  • then slept quite a bit, still really tired all the time
  • like feeling kind of solid and OKish, but still just want to sleep
  • monday night: stayed up late to finish essay, didn't sleep till 7:30, skipped first two classes
  • tuesday night, okay--went out to dinner for H's birthday, but later, just more tired, and very sad
  • took a walk to bay for bioluminescence and laid by the water
  • really sad thoughts, felt slighted, even though I wanted to be left alone; having really depressing thoughts about having someone chosen over me, as far as being friends, and being replaced--which isn't entirely a new feeling to me
  • sigh
  • like he actively seeks her out to spend time with her, and it seems like she's so willing to spend hours on end with her, and our relationship is more about being able to balance hours with each other with time alone while living with each other, and I just feel like I would never ask that of anyone, and I guess I'm just surprised that she would be so open with someone, and I consider her to be one of my best friends, and I know she considers me to be her best friend, but it still just makes me really sad and unwanted and like I'm a bad friend or something, and like I'm being replaced
  • I can hear them laughing in her room from my room, and I'm just very very sad, and getting distraught, and I feel like I'm losing my closest friend on campus (and one of my best friends) because I feel like she spends like all of her free time that's with other people with him, and I just talk to her mostly about being anxious and being sad
  • and I just want to cry myself to sleep
  • and I just feel like we haven't really had conversations together this year that didn't involve him and how we viewed him or our relationship with him, or etc
  • i used to be the one to stay up with her laughing, and i just really really want my friend, and to be able to be there for her too, and i feel like i'm losing someone who i can talk regularly about these things, and i am absolutely falling apart right now
  • feeling hopeless, thinking about last year, and how I was at least somewhat okay, and how I'm having these thoughts about never feeling like myself again, ugh
sep 24 2012 ∞
oct 23 2013 +