things that come to mind. vague stuff

tw: depression and literally everything that comes along with it

stuff in italics are most likely poetry (not mine!) or song lyrics

⇦ previous list

— january 24

• (𝟐) you will love again the stranger who was your self. / to myself: you young, naive creature. your innocence keeps me at peace. the way you reach your hand to a friend after pacing around in your room all day, wondering if it'd even matter. the way you're curious about the future, the way you're silently hopeful for something extraordinary but won't admit to it. this is the only way i can talk to you, as if i am a loving mother who knows her child way too well. may your cries over injustice never cease; may your wishes for peace finally feel deserving; i want you to keep looking at playgrounds in envy, wishing for the day you can stop, hop off the car and sit on that rusty swinging set. there's still so much of you that we still haven't uncovered, but while we blindly walk towards a blurry destination, love the being that life shaped you into. i love you, you know that i do. (𝟔) every single fucking day i try to roll my eyes and breathe (𝟏𝟎) i thought about jumping and your face when you saw / in some way they're part— if not most of the reason why i choose to stay alive. be it for the way they make me laugh, be it for how they gave me a new name and allowed something new to grow on me. i know that if i ever told them that, they would barely be able to grasp the weight of my words. but still. someday i'll let them know that they're part of the reason why i look back kindly on earth whenever i want to erase myself from it. (𝟏𝟑) i got here late. it takes humility to start living again. the hugs are awkward, the conversations flow weirdly and the songs are still hidden. can i play you this, have you seen that one movie yet, i know the book you're talking about, i've been meaning to read it for ages but never got to it, no way it's your favorite, i hope it becomes mine too so it all gets easier, but i know that what makes this so difficult to give up on is the fascination about what you haven't shared yet, so maybe it's better, actually, if i get some strong opinions on it, i also don't ever care if it's late, i don't care if you're about to fall asleep, we're both slurring each word because the meds have already kicked in and i know i'll see you tomorrow and the day after that but i can't wait for another second of seeing life through your eyes. when we're done talking, my voice's hoarse and i can only ponder if this is who i am. i find that i rarely care if it's you i am existing with. (𝟏𝟖) "you smile at me like you'd been waiting" / and when the conversation turns to the topic of love of course i turn around to watch you (𝟐𝟏) you were supposed to keep me safe. why must i sleep with a knife in my hand? (𝟐𝟗) one month from today, i'll light the candle. my tears won't remind me of the british plane. a song will be just a song.

— february 24

• (𝟏) i wanted him to say it again, wanted him to say it clearly this time. no ambiguity, just i missed you, to remind me that if i leave, there'd be a void; and i don't wish to be anyone's void. (𝟒) i don't know if anything about me will ever work with anyone— too fussy, too proud, but i am, at the very least, allowing. i give reassurances, i keep my promises and i am not scared of broken things, not scared of the work it takes to fix them up again. but i won't insist if you won't, either. i'll get my toolbox and leave. you can keep the door open. you call, i'll be there. (𝟔) and i'm feeling kinda normal with a packed lunch, train rides don't hurt much these days. we're all working on ourselves and we're praying that the rest don't mind how much we've changed. (𝟏𝟎) you were right in the end. at some point i'll become a weight no one wants to carry. get used to that exact feeling of loneliness. you reap what you sow. (𝟏𝟔) breakfast, lunch, dinner. it's been a while since i talked to you about eating all of our meals. with you it's just how long is it gonna take, how long is it gonna take- over and over. never texts me nothing but she wants to tell me she's not that hard to find. (𝟐𝟎) just think about it this way: you're standing on the edge of greatness. nothing but joy can reach you now. (𝟐𝟔) it's the lithium, it's the sight of my uncovered forearm, it's the dark circles around my eyes, it's the scarred skin, it's the lack of dopamine, it's because i don't see the sun every day, it's the drugs, it's the alcohol, it's the grief, it's the fear, it's the past, it's last year in may, it's him, it's an excuse. nothing will ever happen. these aren't the first or the final days or anywhere in the middle. it's nothing. it's dust.

— march 24

• (𝟑) i keep thinking about what i hope were my last words to you ("i built us a home"), keep thinking about that one song i gave you, the one that shyly asks if you'd build a home for two. perhaps it's sad but most ardently i think about how the verses meant so much to you that you gave them to someone else. i love that song, but it makes my stomach turn endlessly. i swallow down the nausea as it plays— keep the scream at the back of my throat for 4 minutes and 12 seconds. (𝟏𝟒) i'm sorry for never saying it out loud but you're what keeps me going, even when we drift apart for a few days, weeks— i stand my ground and i try to make life work because i'm looking forward, always looking forward for the next time we're together, and i smile through tears just thinking about it because god, we'll have so much fun. we always do. i hope they never understand us.

— april 24

• (𝟐𝟒) i finally got out of bed, made coffee and tried not to overthink the food i was putting into my mouth. i feel tired, like these nights of bad sleep are endless. i feel tired of hurting myself over and over, letting everything horrible take over my mind as soon as i wake up. i just wish there was a part of me that didn't forget all the love in my life when things get bad. i'm always begging myself to believe that this, everything, everything could be so much more, it could all be bigger and better and close to the dream i had as a kid. i wanna feel hopeful again, i want the love that surrounds my life to always be the first thought i have in the morning. because it is in the food that i make for myself, it is in the clean dishes, in my dyed green hair that i like staring at. it's in my friends and in the way they keep sending me nice little messages, even if i take too long to answer, it's in the way i've thought so many times that they'd give up on me but they never ever did. it's in the apologies i was too scared to ask for. it's in the apologies i was strong enough to give. it's in the new people i meet that tell me it'd be nice if i stayed in their lives. it's in the way my cats make me laugh as they wrestle on the floor. love is everything around me and i keep forgetting it; keep being careless with it. i won't do that anymore. i can't promise anything, but i want to not do that anymore. please.