• Dress professionally. Anything comfy, your best lounge-wear. Maybe that giant hoodie you reserve for sick days and Saturdays only. Thick wool socks that are inappropriate for the weather. Leggings with holes in the ass. Whatever you do, make sure you are dressed as relaxed and laid back as you can be. Make it so you can roll out bed and be ready for work when your feet hit the floor.
  • Start the day on time. Anywhere from a half hour to an hour after you’re supposed to be working. Make the excuse that you had to get dressed (you didn’t) and make your bed (you didn’t do that either). Plop down in your office chair still half-asleep with drool crusting your face. It’s the perfect time to delve into some difficult or complicated work.
  • Focus on the task at hand. Keep eyeing your beloved Switch and ignore the urge to play Animal Crossing. Try to sneak in a few pages of the book you’re reading every hour or so. I’m taking my fifteen, you say to an empty room. Start organizing your pen collection by color. Sanitize your desk. Stare out the window at the dog who has been barking for four hours straight. Hey, hey, you. Stop it right now. Wave to the guy mowing the lawn. Pretend not to be hurt when he ignores you.
  • Eat well. Breakfast should consist of multiple bowls of the sugariest cereal you can find a la Lucky Charms or Trix. If you’re on a time constraint, shovel the cereal out with your hand and eat it dry. Later when you see yourself in the mirror, remember to flick off the leftover marshmallows stuck to your face. Lunch is whatever fast food restaurant is closest. Usually Taco Bell. Load up on burritos and chalupas. Add extra hot sauce liberally. Make sure to eat so much that you feel like vomiting.
  • Take breaks. Pass out on your desk in a burrito-induced coma, wake up two hours later bewildered and confused with a post-it note stuck to your forehead and a line created from your headphones going across your eye that makes you look like Snake from Metal Gear Solid. Drink too much coffee to where your hands start shaking and you can barely sit still. After that, drink an energy drink. If you don’t feel like your face is melting, you did it wrong.
  • Collaborate with your co-workers. Talk on the phone with your boss. Listen to him rant about how great he feels as a sixty-year-old man and how Covid-19 doesn’t scare him. Watch your clock tick as he discusses how he got up early to look at Saturn this morning. Okay, but what about this growth spreadsheet I called you about? Skype message your old co-worker and talk about things unrelated to work. Like more Animal Crossing and this delicious Thai restaurant you both love.
  • Keep your work separate from your home. Do a load of laundry or two while waiting for someone to email you back. Vacuum when there’s a lull. Walk to get your mail in the middle of a webinar meeting. I should have more than enough time. Make the boundary between work and home as hazy as you can.
  • Congratulate yourself on a hard day’s work. Pat yourself on the back. At least you tried to be productive. In fairness, you did complete some tasks and accomplish a few things. Wait, how long do I have to keep this up for? Are you fucking serious?
apr 25 2020 ∞
may 12 2021 +