- weekend updates: i worked at the elections again. this time nothing went wrong and i did my job perfectly. i also got like 45 bucks so that means im spending all of it tomorrow in nuts and stuff.
- health updates
- mental health updates: i've been paranoid again, and got a extreme headache, i cried to sleep every night in the weeknd, and haven't been feeling mentally stable like i was. everything is pissing me off, and by everything, i mean everything. it's like i can't be freed by my own mind. i always catch myself thinking on the worst that could happen. i often believe in things that are not true and also spend every minute of the day scared or drowning in guilt. i've been having weird dreams where i die. i keep mourning the loss of the people who left me, or i kicked out of my life. i'm scared of getting too sick, i'm scared that, one day, this might go too far. afraid of not being in control. i'm lacking in motivation because i don't think that anything has meaning and its just pointless in general, ive been skipping activities, being pessimistic, cancelling plans. i'm not sure of what i need to do in order to get better. yesterday my mom got really mad at me and started crying cause she noticed that i was sad. she kept saying that she doesn't know how to help me anymore. i didn't undestand what she was trying to say for sure. i'm not doing the activiies that i enjoy EITHER. just nothing at all. all i do everyday is overthink. i also have some paranoias: i think he's watching me. my every move. every words i write.
my moms also fed up and going through the same stuff that i am. besides, i cant help but feel pain by every word that comes off my mouth. i think im stupid. and emotionally dumb. i'm sensitive to the point where i feel selfpity. i shouldn't be like that. i also keep acting like im the only person in the world that has problems. when in fact everyone does, the only thing thats different is that i KNOW im the most affected by it. i'm WEAK. i cant keep lying to myself. im scared of speaking my mind most of the times. i know it was worse before but i still have a lot of work to do on myself. ive been going through some issues in my house, financially, my father all of this shit. i still cannot look for a job YET since im sstill TRYING to start my treatment. those motherfuckers lied to me i ended up losing 200 bucks i dont even want to think about it to be honest. the anger will eat me up. im having physical responses to my stress. my head ACHES like never before, i feel nauseous sometimes, and my ocd is also acting up idk what to do. i was feelinf so comfortable before, i was taking time for myself, trying to improve everyday, eating considerably well, sleeping in time, waking up early every single day. and now its all fucked up. i also think it got mixed with my pms. i dont feel good at all. sometimes i try to sleep and then wake up every 2min Scared and with my heart BEATING UP SO FAST ??????????? like wtf is that. the last time that this happened was in one of the worst periods of my life. the darkest one if i may. yesterday i was thinking of giving up and just stop trying for good. i wont enter in any details of the issues im going through either. not here. i know someone i know is reading all of this. i wont give this satisfaction to you. if you really want to know, then ask me. you have my number. (i aint telling u shit anyways kk)
- lula won the elections so thats nice. but i aint posting too much about it cause im always trying to avoid some lame ass mf trying to test my social politics knowledge just because i have a pussy. i already have a lot of stress in my life :*
- im worried about the money in general. like, seriously worried if were goign to make it this month without humiliating ourselves. if i cant start my treatment at november 9th, then i can finally try to look for it again. God is watching me.
- im tired of being tested
- i hate the heat and feeling dirty
- i still feel lonely
- the way im acting is reflecting on how i look outside.
- i need to get back in control tomorrow.
- i want to end this note by saying that i know im privileged and have a lot to be thankful for, im just going through a hard time now.
- you don't know me and you never will.