my mind doesn't want to give me a break. my ocd is back and so is my irrational fears. i don't know what's real and whats not anymore. i dont know what to do either.. i need find something or somebody that i can be obsessed with and consenquently give my life some meaning again. in my mind, if he comes back everything will be fine again. or bearable. or calmer. on the other hand... i think we should be very careful with what we wish for . i hope happy moments come.... i feel alone but nothing new. for me, this is dangerous. i cant be left on my own. i'm incapable of dealing with myself. it's a battle that i always lose.... i have my best friend again, this is something that makes me relieved. at least i did something right,. what i did in the middle of it might have been one of the worse things ive done for myself. i hate the people i left and the people who left me. but i know im the one to blame. my own issues havent been completely solved and i know that.. i know i make mistakes. i'm ready to treat people with kindness again.. and i know that i'm not a monster. i feel so scared when im alone..... will i be ok soon? is this thing where i start to miss them, like, is it genuine? or do i just want a way out of the pain and my thoughts?? i just want to escape this. escape my own mind.