- today i did almost everything that i had to do at my to do list. however, i'm confesss that i am feeling a bit unmotivateed for the days ahead. and i know i shouldn't be worried by antecipation. i'm not even that worried tbh, i just want something to talk here
- i think i'm gonna keep learning japanese till i get tired of it. apparently, studying is the key to everything, i guess. at the same time, it's quite painful to learn something for the first time and keep practicing.. it also dependds a lot of the subject and your motivations to keep learning. i've been enjoying stufying japanese.. i know i'm going on the right way and the main goal is understanding japanese, not speaking. i still can't understand barely nothing but i do think i've made some progress. i've been studying everyday and the goal for this week is to finish and get master at hiragana. and maybe start katakana and stuff but idk.
- i tried to practice my math skills but it was so fucking boring that i gave up. my thoughts are very anxious. like veeery anxious. nothing that i can't deal with but anyways. i think everthing is fine today.
- i always realize that i still have no certain direction nor dream in life. i know that these things come with time and not everyone has the same one. but it's quite unsafe for me. i know 1/3 of the things i want to do and the life i want to live. the thing is: i'm not sure. not gonna talk about it in this list either since i still feel like someones watching me so i cant risk anything.
- today i saw a tweet of a girl sort of making fun of a guys text message and complaining about how painfully boring it is to meet someone new and talk to them nowadays. i agreed 100% with her tho. i am so sos sosososososooooooo picky when it comes to guys. it's like two extremes: either he's boring, apathetic, uninteresting, annoying, and has the type of personality where everything he likes, says or does gives me the extreme ick ever. i don't know. that's why i'm never talking to these type of guys for too long. in my head they must make the effort. they must. it's literally their role in society. now, moving to the other extreme, is where i put the men in a fucking pedestal, and it's the exact opposite of the first extreme. it's like everything they do is magical, and i keep admiring and anylising their actions like they're some blessed creatures that came from another planet and i'll never come to their level, and i keep asking myself if they really love me when they say they do. if they really think i'm smart, pretty etc.. if they really do enjoy my company or if i'm just a distraction and im being manipulated somehow. when im in this typa mode i'm always blinded by the red flags. i can get out of it tho. cause there's a limit of course. i couldn't accept someone like * (won't mention here) and here's when the cold and heartless personality comes. when i hold grudges, there's nothing in the world that'd make me forget how bad you made me feel someday; even if it's almost 10yrs ago idk. i'll still get angry at you. some people see this as being proud, and i must admit, it is. i'm not ashamed of it, not at alllll... i just think that my pride makes me protect myself from bad intentioning people.
- the truth is, i've never had anything that i could call real love. i made out with two boys but it waas so out of place and boring and just bad. (except for one but..) i never had a enjooyable experience when it comes to love. just some sort of delusional thing. nothing real, even though i still suffer from it when a certain person crosses my mind. it will go away with time. i didn't even met him. so it's stupid.
- people have the habit of having a type. and i realized i do have one. butttttttttttt it doesn't matter and i'll explain why. first, i'll explain my types. talking about experience, my ideal match would be someone tall, with beautiful eyes, and maybe a mustache. nothing more than that. i also feel attracted to boys that have a weird or unusual appearance, like, something in them that's different from others. speaking of details, i like moles too. but thats too specific. in terms of personality, my ideal type would be someone extroverted, that knows how to lead a conversation, is open minded, and respectful and honest and patient . i would also love someone older than me that could teach me some stuff in love. i love wise people. that being said, none of that matters at all. when you truly fall in love, you love the person by who she is... you learn to deal with his flaws and qualities and, in your eyes, he's the most handsome man in the world. i know it cause i felt it once. just once. bbut anyways..... i just wanteed to say that. it just happens and you have no choice but being blind and lovesick.... and that's actually a beautiful thing, when it's mutual. although it's beyond rare to find. like, truly beyond. most of the times that i'm talking to guys, i feel like talking to npcs. i don't know what i truly want nor if i actually need a man at this point. i'll see in the future, it was just my personal take on modern relationships and falling in love with someone.
- been feelinf very inspired to write today as you can see
sep 26 2022 ∞
sep 27 2022 +