• it's safe to say that everything that i write here, in the second part of my journaling for today, it's parcially emphasized and might not be completely true or make sense to someone who know the actual facts. but since h it's not likely to read this, (at least not without the help of google translate) i have decided to take this burden off my mind. or, at least, try to.
• i'll start by saying that, this story, since the beggining, is not tangible. nothing physical happened.. but it was a big deal for me, even though i don't like to admit that. h, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be affected by this sort of things. and my embarassment might be rooted on other problems that i previously had. but none of the things that i've said above, changes the fact that: it happened.
• me and h met a few years ago through a common friend. it took a while but i can say that we got along since the beggining and once we got close, he started talking to me everyday, religiously. at that time, it was nice to have a friend i could rely on. and i could tell him everything. he did the same with me. h knew how to live life and experience things. he was confident and went through many experiences. me, on the other side, found it hard to have relationships in general. it was so difficult for me that, every once in a while, when i got the chance to experience this, i was in completely in denial and couldn't believe when someone showed interest in me. the hatred i felt on myself just couldn't acccept it. from that time, i can't say that this feeling went away. i often push away the people i like, and cannot stop from running from things. back to the topic, since h used to tell me everything that happened to him and all of the problems he had in relationships, it was almost like i was living all of this with him, simultaneously. he used to trust me like no one else, i just knew that. we also used to talk like 24/7. every minute of the day, he was present. if not in texts, he was present in my thoughts.
• our friendship went on, h went to about 3 or 4 relationships, and by that time i was basically a shoulder to cry on. h never showed any type of interest in me. and it didn't bothered me at all, cause as i said too him many times, i saw him as an older brother.

he wasn't easy to deal with all the times, h seemed to have extreme anger issues and showed prejudice and no mercy when it comes to talk shit about others. he'd cross a line that goes beyond human decency and often made people grossed out. sometimes it was like no one really mattered to him. and he really knew how to hurt someone like no other. h was hated by everyone that met him by some point, it like his company to them had an expiring date, as he would screw everything up when he felt like it. h would claim to feel a chronic feeling of emptiness, he even acted quite nihilistic for some years. he'd say that loneliness was consuming him and giving him suicidal thoughts. h also said that he hated himself a lot. i wonder if all of those things i've said above was just a consequence from depression or idk. honestly, i don't even know if what he said he was feeling was genuine, or if he was just obsessed with getting attention and tought it was easily to manipulate somebody, once the person felt pity for him. overall, i'd say it's 50/50. i can't be the judge of someone else's feelings. only him can say it.

• i have to mention that, i had a huge fascination for him. no. i have a huge fascination for him. after this years of being friends with someone, you can't just erase them (trust me, i tried, and all it did was leave his name tattoed on my mind). talking to h could be very enoyable and fun. i'd say he's the funniest friend i've ever had kkkk jk he would be! if * didnd't exist. shes still #1. anyways. his personaliy was captivating for me. he had a way with dealing with conversations, it was kinda of a talent to him. one of his personality traits. the way he talks, gets you entertained all the time. even if it's the most mundane topic ever. he just makes it interesting. it goes by his skills with making jokes and puns with everything possible. one thing that even made me angry sometimes was how he could be great in everything he'd try to do. this gave me some sort of competitive towards him. i felt like i had to be smarter and funnier than him sometimes. but i believe that competitiveness is something common in every relationship, so it wasn't a huge problem. though sometimes i could feel very small while interacting with him. and i even mentioned this to him once. the fascination also comes from his originality (ofc, like every other young adult he copies the traits from a niche group, but even with that, he was able to pull it off). in my head, he seemed to be confident... like nothing could scare him or make him smaller. he had an unique voice that in the last monthts of our break(?), made me flustered... i just love his voice, like, seriously..i could listen to him talking all day. and i cannot talk about him without mentioning his looks. he's charming and has beautiful eyes. that's all i'll say.
• for real now, if i met someone and the person makes a fucking essay
• this size about me, i'm not sure if i'd be honored or scared. maybe both. but i would love it anyways. the relevance...........when it's really not that deep.
• back to our friendship. we used to fight like crazy. he'd get mad at me, i'd get mad at him. and we would stop talking for months, then comeback and feel like the same. like the things have changed but not really for us. now i'm at the part where we're not talking, but what's different this time is i'm almost sure that we won't come back. i jsut know that...... it would be akward, to say the least. i'll explain why.
• by the end of the last year, h started showing interest in me. which i believe that was highly motivated by his loneliness and boredom. so, h starts flirting with me. and at first i was a bit shocked and suspicious. but i ended up having feelings for him, like it was some kinda game.. and his attention was the prize. till this day i'm not sure if i'll ever know if what he said he felt for me was true, or if he was just bored. i believe that he doesn't really care about me. as he said, he wasn't in love. but i really liked him and it hurts to even write. i hated myself for being vulnerable this way. to be reciprocate. to answer to his investiments. without mentioning that, i was thinking about him every moment of my day. it started to consume me. to the point where i'd try but couldn't think of something else. but listen, from this part, i already have a historic on hyperfixating on things, so i won't give the credit to him. maybe if i had something that i could occupy my mind with, some activities to do, i doubt that this would affect me like it did. what i'm saying is that: he was bored, and so was i.
• this whole feeling of me being vulnerable made me feel week. and i just couldn't endure it. so, what happened was that i gave an end to the friendship and we continued talking. and on my first opportunity, i found an excuse to stop talking to him and decided to cut ties forever at that day. what is strange for me is that, in the first 2 or 3 months, i was feeling quite apathetic towards the situation. like i wasn't feeling everything i was supposed to. like, if he was such a big part of my day, if he consumed every thought i had, if i loved him so much, why am i not feeling anything now?? like it never happened? i don't know exactly the reason behind this but i just knew that it worked. i wanted him out. and it worked. after we stopped talking, i even tried to write everything i'm writing now, but i just couldn't. cause i wasn't missing him. ofc i was thinking about him once in a while, but not like i was. however, in the last 2 weeks i started to have the feeling of missing him again. like he's just gone and we stopped talking from this 2 weeks. (i hope that it makes sense for you, reader) in my mind it does makes sense.
• altough the tought of him coming back now seem realistic, i kinda want that to happen. but in no way possible i'll be the first one to make the move. not really. i think that our friendship would just be the way it was, if i actually believe that he has some consideration for me. my guesses are: he's talking shit about me to his friends, he hates me, he hates what i said to him, he hates how easily i cutted him out, he hates to think about me, or he doesn't think about me at all, he probably is dating someone, or hooking up, he thinks that i'm a joke that can't even get close to his level, he thinks i'm stupid, he thinks i act like a child does, and he hates me. he hates me to the core. he hates me till it's proven otherwise. can't say i'd be surprised if all of that is true. not at all. always expect the worst and you won't be disappointed. but, if i'm wrong, i hope that he evolves into a kindhearted men. i'm not saying that i'm still in love, but i am and i always will be fascinated by him.
• [edit: he is such a liar i cant stand his ass