it's hard to admit that i have been rejected. not sure if that's the proper word to describe what happened. rejected? neglected? snubbed? whatever; the thing is: i'm chill about this. basically what happened was, the guy i was into ghosted me; i'll explain. he just stoped reaching out to me and i did the same thing. that thing that i've mentioned before, the unfollow on the gram, i did the same thing. funny thing was, i was obsessed with him at first. i wanted it to be right, i wanted him to be the one and i wanted him to want me. now it's just nothing. i feel nothing at all. not even grossed out by him. i. just. feel. nothing. at the point i am winning the idgaf war. i do not care anymore. i don't feel anything for him anymore. i'm not interested anymore. the thing is, he dissappears out of nowhere and then he comes back and asks me out as if nothing happened. i do not deserve this. i deserve intesity; if he comes back, which i think he will, i won't go out. i don't want to. at least i tried to live for once. one thing i'm striving for now is my fucking carreer and fucking knowledge about fashion and the making of clothing. i just want to start my fucking carreer and i want to make a lot of fucking money. i don't know which strategy i can use. but i know i need to be productive and i need to be productive quick. i cannot waste time anymore. and i will know what i want and i will get what i want. i will. i feel so fucking humiliated every day. im always fighting with myself and trying to defend myself. cannnot handle any day being so fucking insecure anymore. this will change. i will change. the only way to overcome my fears is to face them. God will help me on my journey. i want tthings. my friend/lover is always with me. i'm kidding hes not actually my lover but its fun to flirt with him. i do love him a lot. always will. you know who im talking about. my relationship with my father and his side of the family is ok now. im not defensive and afraid anymore. its great to know that ive made progress after all this years. bittersweet feelings... this half of the year feeels strange to me. i wait for good things to happen to me. i also want to cry now.