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Rubab: shi'a warrior princess, infj, lover of beauty, poet, seeker

twitter // twitter.com/lighthoused
blog // lilacmuse.home.blog
tumblr // lilacmuse.tumblr.com

bookmarks:
lisa FILMS
pets (Rumi)
EVENTS
LIVE MUSIC
christina autobio (biggest splurges in my life)
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I love exploring the hidden inner dimensions of who a person is; the emotions and stories they don't readily share, the secret pains & desires that drive them to make the decisions they make. I love getting lost in the complex tangle of another person's soul and experiencing the splendor that can't be seen from the surface. One of the most tender expressions of love for another person is to shed light on that hidden beauty & bring it into focus.

I'm a free-spirit who innately resists rules and boundaries, but I can't help but believe there's something intuitively sacred about modesty; about revealing the entirety of your charm and allure to one person while the rest of the world remains in the dark about those secret parts of you.  It's a form of surrender I find strangely appealing because it suggests a depth of trust and intimacy that binds you to that person in a way that exceeds mere language and action.  Modesty conveys the message: "I don't want to be adored by the world; I want to be adored by my beloved and remain a stranger to the rest."

I have a fiercely intellectual, passionate side and a deeply feminine, submissive side that are often at odds with each other.  My thinking side is feisty and outspoken, while my feminine side is softspoken, gentle, and shy.  My biggest struggle sometimes is reconciling these two halves without denying or repressing either one.  Meeting someone who can embrace both sides of me without questioning the discrepancy is always exciting and slightly miraculous.

I'm always secretly awed by people who are flawed but are bravely and humbly striving to be better.  I love people who have fallen but still possess the courage to get back up. I admire simple, imperfect human goodness so much more than the illusion of perfect virtue.

I secretly worry that my wild side is wilder than most, so I subconsciously work twice as hard to contain it, which can give off the impression that I'm impossibly innocent and straight-laced. I feel the deepest sense of relief when I don't have to be filtered around someone and can express myself fully, without hesitation or fear.

My "real self"- the one hidden behind layers of abstraction, playfulness, and curiosity- is the spiritual, lovestruck poet whose heart hungers for God.  This part of me comes alive when i hear His words and pulls me toward anything that reminds me of Him.  But i don't always know how to make this side of myself belong in the material world; i haven't figured out how to carry that yearning quietly enough to seem "normal".  It sometimes pours out in the way i look at things and speak and love, and i get embarrassed at exposing the vulnerable core of my soul to a world that doesn't understand it. My deepest joy in life comes from the magic of being around another soul who speaks the language of intoxication; those rare moments of communion are the times my soul feels at home here.

As much as I cherish the pursuit of knowledge and enlightenment, my inner child revels in lightheartedness. Being in the presence of someone who can muse about the mysteries of existence with me but can also make me laugh is a top 10 feeling.

I've never faced an enemy more formidable and terrifying than my own ignorance. I wander through life like a sleepwalking child sometimes, an infinity of unanswered questions slipping past my half-shut eyes. But my ignorance propels me toward growth and fuels my passion for constant learning & improvement, while also reminding me not to take myself too seriously.

A quiet, hidden part of me is always engaged in the contemplation of life's deeper metaphysical questions and the passive synthesization of all the answers I've found so far. I don't usually share the things I'm thinking about because I don't want to alienate people or overestimate my limited understanding, but when I get really excited about a particular insight, I hide it in a line of poetry.

One of my most irrational, persistent existential fears is the dread of being caged in by the shallow, one-dimensional prison of the world's perception of me... Is this the bit of my ego that'll be hardest to eradicate- this self-serving, limitless longing to be perfectly recognized and understood? Or is this a pure, blameless part of my fitrah- the desire to be known instilled in me by a Creator who desired to be known? Coupled with the conflicting desire to conceal myself instilled in me by a Creator that can't be easily seen?

x r

jul 8 2020 ∞
oct 9 2020 +