- August 27th:
- The way I can feel autumn in the air this morning and it's all kinds of nostalgic.
- How I'd give anything to have a place that was just mine, away from everyone else's mess and interruptions.
- How soft and warm Ronnie feels sleeping beside me.
- The way it's actually nice to just read and not do anything else sometimes - reading Arthur and Teddy are Coming Out.
- I just wanna press my head into my fleece or a blanket or something, tbh.
- August 28th:
- Driving off without really knowing where I'm going, or having enough fuel, or remembering to pack anything, but that's kind of fun.
- Cold sea washing over my bare feet in the sand.
- Reminiscing childhood beach memories with Brooklyn, climbing on the rocks & eating a really expensive but really nice vegan burger.
- At home, feeling all beachy and windswept and hot and tired.
- Standing in a cold field after sunset, listening to bat monitors.
- August 29th:
- Kind of depressed and I just want to hold someone.
- Really anxious because I'm struggling to pay attention when I'm driving, I can't keep up with my timesheet and I'm feeling so fucking alone and hopeless.
- Sore hands from climbing and being so out of practice, couldn't push myself, kind of disappointed.
- Cold - no sun all day, self-destructive thoughts.
- Evening hyperactivity, hope and daydreams.
- August 30th:
- Those warm hair showers you get at salons and all the different lotion smells.
- How weightless it feels having my hair shorter, and how it feels all silky and smooth.
- Wandering around campus remembering all the people I've been there over the last 7 years - feeling like I finally know myself now.
- Getting my go-to comfort order from Pizza Express (strawberry lemonade, bruschetta, padana, stem ginger cake & cappuccino).
- The temporary high of buying a load of random crap online, which I probably don't need, but also I do kind of need to update my wardrobe, so...
- August 31st:
- Those long, restful pauses between snoozing the alarm and it ringing again.
- Back on Zuidbroek and feeling fairly confident in what I'm doing, which is good I guess - came up with some useful ideas for the document we're working on.
- Buying the nice sushi with the crispy onion topping from Waitrose for lunch.
- How I'm feeling tired and kind of light-headed by mid-afternoon, and I'm ready to go home or be back on holiday or something.
- How privileged and terrified I feel to live in a generation where I'm not defined by the hormones in my body, yet we're surrounded by people who can't accept that.
- September 1st:
- Tired, pre-menstrual pain, but at least coffee is still good.
- Thinking about how it's been a year since I got to the top of Kilimanjaro and it's so nice to remember the freedom of being on the mountain, in another world.
- Taking Aunty Maddy her birthday card and getting random hugs from relatives and doggos - kind of liked talking to someone else for a change, idk.
- Random headache and nausea, can't focus on work.
- Warm bath in the evening, eating pistachio cannoli and watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares .
- September 2nd:
- How cathartic it feels going through all my clothes, getting rid of the things I don't wear anymore, and actually putting everything away - kind of proud of myself.
- Wasting the afternoon away playing with Lilium & Bramble in the garden, rewatching OITNB and thinking about life.
- Listening to 929 on the way to pick up a Thai takeaway.
- Walking around in the dark, listening to loud music, feeling weirdly sad and happy at the same time.
- Feeling anxious before bed - really worried about relationships and being alone - I don't want to live like this.
- September 3rd:
- Grateful for the blue sky, sunshine and warmth.
- Feeling productive, accomplished some tasks for work, talked to Dad about the future and my career etc.
- How I'm trying to make plans and actually do things, because I really want to change my life and also move to my own place, and still have therapy.
- Afternoon in the garden, curled up on my blanket, catching frogs and watching OITNB.
- Peaceful.
- September 4th:
- Listening to my Wildcard playlist while commuting, trying to find some different artists to listen to.
- Random call with Matt - feeling kind of overwhelmed by the workload, since it doesn't seem like we have a game-plan at all.
- Feeling mentally stronger, but physically like someone kicked me in the stomach.
- Getting home and opening my order (pyjama trousers, mountain socks and a little shark pencil case).
- Watching OITNB into the early hours of the morning.
- September 5th:
- How I kind of like the way I look today, which is nice.
- Just really happy to be in a world with this music in it, even if most other things suck - listening to Amy Shark rn.
- Slightly triggered and feeling kind of messy and confused.
- Not feeling like sitting still at all this afternoon, like I just need to move around constantly and play with slime.
- My first time doing Kundalini yoga, and how it's really communal and sensory, and it's energetic and soothing on its own level - feeling safe.
- September 6th:
- Slow, relaxed morning, which I need because I stayed up too late last night.
- Upset and frustrated by work, this stupid formatting, and having way too many demands about tracking my time & location, I don't want to do this.
- Really not a good vibe today, I'm all over the place and can't focus at all.
- Taking a cool shower, listening to a chaotic, messy playlist.
- Way too much going on in my mind, no focus, only chaos.
- September 7th:
- Nice sunny day wasted in the office.
- Feeling upset - I can't keep up with what I'm supposed to be doing, am all out of productive energy and I hate being told what to do.
- Working with Dad, feeling a bit better because I'm actually doing something useful and I'm actually good at it.
- Standing outside in the cool evening air, longing to be free.
- Confusing thoughts about work and life and things, I think I just need someone to care about right now - I'm losing the will to just keep going.
- September 8th:
- Don't know what I've done to my freaking leg, but boy does this hurt.
- Looking at options for CPD so I can move on to something more fulfilling, don't really feel like I'm being taken seriously right now.
- Having lunch in the park with Brooklyn, noise from the wood chipper and drinking my first pumpkin spice latte of the autumn.
- How icky it feels driving home in my car with no air con.
- How I'm feeling much more stable than earlier in the week, and just want to make progress and chase some dreams.
- September 9th:
- Ready to have the house to myself for a few days, if only I could actually be home (or near it) during the day.
- Dedicating a day to doing nothing, not thinking about work or really anyone else.
- Making avocado toast for lunch and feeling actually like a functioning adult who is looking after themself.
- More OITNB and reading.
- Wanting to write something down, even just a to-do list, but my thoughts are all out of order.
- September 10th:
- Deciding that my social life is definitely a good investment, paying for choir membership and yoga classes.
- Listening to Maisie Peters and Lucy Spraggan on living room speakers all morning.
- Meltdown in the car, panicking about how much time and money I'm spending on commuting, and how I just wish everyone would leave me alone.
- Binge-watching OITNB and ignoring chores, because I feel so done and I really don't want to work tomorrow.
- Trying to calm myself down and handle things.
- September 11th:
- How I'm kind of anxious at the moment, for some reason, and I just want someone to be not-alone with.
- Having a Taylor Swift 'folklore' kind of day.
- Maybe I should be on medication, because I clearly can't function in everybody else's stupid, screwed-up world.
- So done, so done, so done, so done.
- How I miss my therapist and I really wish I didn't.
- September 12th:
- How I'm struggling to keep up with the pressure of commuting, trying to look after myself and the cats, and working on this huge project.
- Thinking a lot about energy, not focusing on work at all, although somehow Matt seems happy with what I'm doing, so I guess I'll just keep going.
- Really messing up, can't concentrate, zoned out, driving erratically, scared of my own potential.
- Blankets, little lights, lavender face mask - feeling reassured and safe, and apparently I also have great posture, really searching for the positives here.
- Feeling anxious, tired, vulnerable and emotionally needy.
- September 13th:
- On edge about every little thing, worried about everything I'm saying and doing, feeling vulnerable.
- Work going a weird mix or really well and really badly - I'm completely lost.
- Another commute making me want to cry because I can't deal.
- How Niamh and Elle's relationship, and other things which aren't real, feel like the only safe place right now.
- Finding all the cats and feeling relieved.
- September 14:
- The first breath of fresh early autumn air outside in the morning.
- Feeling grateful for not commuting, and blue sky, and warm jumpers.
- Spend lunchtime outside enjoying the sun and digging in the soil.
- Not much to do in the afternoon, supposed to be working but calling Dad instead and vacuuming the hallway.
- Drinking wine and watching the really messed up scenes in OITNB, with Lilium sleeping on my feet.
- September 15th:
- How I'm so relieved to have made it to Friday and might finally be able to rest and sort my shit out.
- Frustrating work meeting, spending as long as I can editing graphics because I don't really know what we're doing next.
- Being told I'm doing good, and it's sunny and nearly the end of the day.
- Freaking out, kind of, because the world is awful, and I'm too tired to really do anything once I arrive home.
- The way the stars look serene and powerful tonight.
- September 16th:
- A lot of dark thoughts, and big thoughts about destruction and control.
- Chatting to Brooklyn for ages about everything, standing on the bench in the garden, trying to imagine a future.
- Feeling good about accomplishing a lot of tasks.
- Pasanda and pilau rice from The Spice Bank.
- How I can't stop watching OITNB because it's messed up but somehow feels better than reality.
- September 17th:
- Sleeping in because I stayed up way too late last night and I feel exhausted.
- Being screwed over by RyanAir making my travel plans seem impossible which is so upsetting and frustrating.
- Feeling like I spend way too much time stuck in traffic these days and it's really hurting my mental health.
- How the evening sky is kind of nice on my way home and I pull in to the service station to get a pumpkin spice.
- Struggling to sleep, thinking too much and watching forks of lightning form in the night sky.
- September 18th-24th: Emotional health not doing great.
- September 25th:
- Feeling a bit less bad on the commute this morning and a bit more optimistic, like I'm going to get through this.
- Approaching tasks with a clear mind and it seems to be working out really well.
- Getting kind of anxious again around lunchtime, spending more time overthinking and worrying.
- How I feel so much better once I've messaged on the group chat, taken a shower, done the laundry, and I feel more like a normal person again.
- Spending my evening drinking red wine, eating pistachio cannoli and watching Love Is Blind.
- September 26th:
- Finally feeling excited about everything that's coming up in the next few weeks.
- Feeling like I am making some progress with work, even if it's still frustrating right now.
- Blue skies, kind of warm.
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- September 27th:
aug 27 2023 ∞
oct 8 2023 +