• Count five things that your dog loves, and if they can't enjoy three of those things anymore, then it's clear your pet’s quality of life is dropping & it might be time :'(
  • If he only calls or texts after 10 at night, he's not interested in anything other than what's under your belt.
  • Staying with someone because "you don't want to hurt them" is a really shitty reason to stay.
  • If he erases his texts directly before handing you his phone, be suspicious.
  • If you're confused about if he likes you or not, TAKE THE DAMN INITIATIVE.
  • Parents aren't always right. They're just never "wrong."
  • An ex is an ex for a reason. Think about it.
  • Never be afraid to say "No."
  • Conversely, never be afraid to say "Yes."
  • I can tell exactly how much weight I've gained or lost based on which pair of jeans fits. Which is horrifying.
  • People who only listen to one type of music are really sad, boring creatures of habit.
  • The real mistake is not making amends as soon as you realize you’ve made one.
  • A (legally obtained) sleep aid like Xanax works wonders on long-distance flights.
  • Wait at least two weeks after a breakup before scheduling a haircut. Or be prepared to come up with a fantastic story.
  • No one is perfect. That would be frightfully boring.
  • Even a fabulous sale won’t make the wrong size fit any better.
  • Laughing at his jokes beats cooking skills, hands down.
  • Black is more slimming than any diet. Ever.
    • Eat your fucking vegetables anyway.
  • Recycled trends only work if you weren’t old enough to wear them the first time they were popular.
  • Duct tape solves everything.
  • When people tell you their flaws, believe them.
  • If his profile picture looks like it was taken in the ‘80s, it probably was.
  • Don’t ask if you look fat if you can’t handle the truth.
  • A job interview is the only time self-deprecation won’t work in your favor.
  • You learn more when you shut the hell up.
  • If he only sees you after dark and won’t introduce you to friends or family, he’s an FWB, not a BF … no matter how many months you’ve been sleeping with him.
  • Thou shalt not drink and text thine mother.
  • In three months, everything will be different.
  • Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen.
  • Find joy in the simple things.
  • Creativity is a hot commodity, so charge (and pay) accordingly.
  • The person who tells you everything about everyone is telling everyone everything about you, too.
  • Be open to change, but never compromise your values.
  • Remember that what you want isn’t always what you need.
  • Living well is the best revenge.
  • Great love and great achievement require great risk.
  • (Great sex should not.)
  • It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
  • Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
  • When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, they means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if they're related to you.
  • When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
  • Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
  • Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.
  • There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.
  • Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her. The same goes for a man.
  • Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.
  • Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies.
  • Beauty is an optical illusion. Except for sports car.
  • You will never become a rock star.
  • As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology.
  • Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if it's so true God himself would back you up.
  • When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.
  • Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways when under oath in federal court.
  • Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston.
  • Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you're talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are.
  • If they won't let you take a mental health day without turning it around & making it about them & their needs, they're Toxic™
  • When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That's for a bottle, not a gallon.
  • An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance.
  • The way a man looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good he is in a relationship. Or in bed.
  • It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water.
  • Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose.
  • Never suggest to another person at the gym that they’re not working hard enough to accomplish anything.
  • People who live in glass houses are idiots.
  • Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health.
  • When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears.
  • The person who sincerely says to you, "I want to get to know you better," is probably a person you don't want to know at all.
  • When someone makes a grand statement about how they’re feeling, only take it as what they’re feeling in the moment and not as a promise of a future.
  • It’s good to be excited about someone, but by sharing that excitement with every friend you have puts a lot of pressure on you to have things work out. Just sayin'
  • It's better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
  • A designer shirt can't make you look great if you're wearing a $15 bra that hasn't fit since Bush was in office.
  • There is nothing "strong" about not sleeping & not eating.
jul 21 2010 ∞
nov 1 2017 +
user picture Chelsi Darling: i love this. nearly every single statement applies to my life haha. aug 17 2010