reading

• emma cline - the girls
• esther de lemos - rapariga

watching (tv)

• brooklyn nine nine

listening to

• david bowie - modern love
• bleachers - everybody lost somebody
• lorde - melodrama (album)
  • liability
  • perfect places
  • the louvre
• miley cyrus - miley cyrus and her dead petz (album)
• laure briard - sur la piste de danse

favorite movies of the month

• the lobster (2015)
• parisienne (2015)
• wonder woman (2017)
• hanna (2011)
• blade runner (1982)

plans

• get my hair straightened with laser
• go to the dentist
• keep whitening my teeth
• use the hair removal machine thingy
• write at least 2 more chapters of my book (0/2)
• go on a date
• go to a party
• go to a house party

occured

• on the 1st of june, i did something i shouldn't have. i know what it was and i'm the only person who reads this list, so i'm not going to write it down bc i don't want to give it form through words. you know what it was, bitch. don't do it again.
• the second, however, was lovely. i woke up early (like 9am), went out for a walk and coffee, read, did some house chores, and GOD it feels incredible to be productive
• i don't feel like writing bc i'm reading the most well written book (the girls by emma cline) and everything i write feels miserable in comparison. btw if you're reading this (you probably aren't) know that i'm PORTUGUESE so don't judge my literary writing based on what you read here, ok??????
• ghosted artur and he basically begged me to come back to him. this flirting and unexpected intimacy feels better than i thought it would. you know what? fuck it i'm adding him to my crushes list
• i think about *him* all the time, though. this feeling is so overwhelming i didn't even write my usual "tho".. it's that serious
• maybe we weren't meant for each other romantically but didn't we get along so well? didn't we have the most fun with each other? weren't we best friends? i'm forcing myself to believe it wasn't unilateral; i know i tend to romanticize things but i know what we had was real. i'm not used to being rejected or receiving less love than the amount of love i give, so caring about someone i ditched half a year ago is tearing me apart.
• he saw both my facebook stories and tore me apart a lil bit more
• had a really fun dinner and watched the lobster!
• my life is an embarrassment. i should be forbidden to use the world wide web. something very embarrassing happened and prevented me from updating this list. i do not wish to discuss this topic.
• leonor and i went to a lecture given by rubim. BAD DAY! I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE THE WHOLE TIME DUE TO MY OVERWHELMING DYSMORPHIC ISSUES
• i've been writing fluently for 4 days now. please carolina keep up the good work, please carolina don't let carolina sabotage carolina
• could my teeth finally get REAL WHITE with this new toothpaste i'm trying? stay tuned!
• hm! not really
• dad's birthday was sad. he's very depressed and getting older each day
• i want him to be happy. please
• inês invited me to her birthday party
• PULLED AN ALL NIGHTER AND WENT TO LISBON ON MY OWN. BOUGHT 2 BOOKS FOR €2 GR8 DEAL! HAD STARBUCKS AND THEN WENT HOME COMPLETELY BROKEN BC NO MATTER WHAT I DO I FEEL SAD AND ALONE
• and nauseous, that's the worst part yea. i've been taking my pills on time and everything. i can't remember not feeling this way for a whole fucking year. a whole year of almost-vomit
• EHE. MY MOM BROKE MY HEART AND I SPENT A WHOLE DAY OF MY LIFE IN BED.. NOT JUST IN BED BUT ACTUALLY SLEEPING, I SLEPT A WHOLE DAY AWAY, DUNNO HOW THIS HAPPENED.. I'VE GOT A LOT OF SLEEP IN ME
• so 2day i woke up early but i feel sleepy already. it's pretty clear i wasn't made to be alive, existing is incredibly exhausting and i can't take it no mo
• + also i figured out my digestive problems might be related to my extreme anxiety MENTAL ILLNESS FTW!!!
• ++ i don't want to discuss this ever again but i had a romantic/borderline erotic dream about a 65 year old man. do not talk to me about this nor check the "crushes" section of this list. thanks
• oh boi! The Depression Strikes Back! slept the entire fucking day cuz i simply could not bear to open my eyes and face the world. really pathetic, if you ask me
• it's stupid bc there's nothing really THAT bad in my life. i have a house, pets, i'm ridiculously young, moderately good looking, my family is alive and well, my friends are always available to hang out with me even though i neglect them most of the time. and i'm still sad. depression is a bitch but i'll kick her ass (one day)
• now it's 4am and i'm up and forcing myself not to fall asleep until nighttime.. you know, like a normal person would do. NO DEPRESSION NAPS 4 THIS GAL RIGHT HERE
• went to the movies with dad and saw wonder woman - LOVED THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!
• afterwards we bought some groceries, made dinner and i fell asleep watching tv.. just your average middle aged woman
• i felt happy that day
• but it didn't last long cuz dad is DESPERATE for money and it's making quite a mess
• mom came back from her short holidays and we had some #qualitytime together for a few days
• she's gone on vacation again BUT yesterday we had dinner and went to a bar with emanuel and it actually was so nice.. i even S M O K E D
• was supposed to go to inês' birthday party but I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT! then i was supposed to go to a concert with leonor but IT WAS CANCELLED! then we were supposed to go for a beer BUT SHE CANCELLED! so i guess i'll go home, into the arms of the girl that i love...

quotes

• "it was june, and the world smelled of roses. the sunshine was like powdered gold over the grassy hillside." - maud hart lovelace
• "that's the thing, that's what fairy tales are made of. you wish you could do all these things, fly like peter pan, telekineses i think it's called. you should always believe. don't go through life being skeptical. one thing that makes the films distinct is how optimistic they are. the philosophy is very uplifting and very positive. it was a way to approach the subject of spirituality without knocking you over the head with it. the force could be religion, science, magic. i love that people can make what they want of it, and that they could find courage in their life. i've heard so many stories about what a positive thing it's been for people. keep trying to make that remote lift, never give up. one day it will happen." - mark hamill
• "the golden girl

bathed in the water and the water turned gold" - federico garcía lorca, qasida of the golden girl

crushes

• artur (guys who beg for my attention are my kinda dudes..)
• oscar isaac
• mark hamill (FUCK)
• brandon flowers
• billie joe armstrong
• gal gadot
• chris pine