- Jim Gaffigan: "I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly! Enjoy the next NASCAR event!"
- Jim Gaffigan: "But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'"
- Jim Gaffigan: "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia; 4-H."
- Jim Gaffigan: "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. He was a very good mommy!"
- Jim Gaffigan: "My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'"
- Jim Gaffigan: "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"
- Jim Gaffigan: "Pope, that's a weird job. Anyone pope here?"
- Jim Gaffigan: "You're not going rollerskating, you'll end up pregnant like your sister."
- Jim Gaffigan: "Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel."
- Jim Gaffigan: "Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'"
- Jim Gaffigan: "Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'"
dec 30 2006 ∞
dec 30 2006 +