- (870): God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
- (941): Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
- (415): She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
- (801): I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
- (303): please don't ironically join a cult
- (870): There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
- (248): He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
- (330): The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
- (763): Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
- (870): had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
- (929): Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
- (406): They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
- (239): He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
- (423): You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
- (727): Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
- (253): That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
- (870): If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
- (403): Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
- (732): The best walk of shames are on the highway
- (+54): My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
- (610): I have cats now. Five of them.
- (301): Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
- (843): Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
- (1-843): Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
- (870): I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
- (719): Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
- (530): can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
- (512): i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
- (224): Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
- (402): if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
- (870): The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
- (+44): I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
- (563): You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
- (716): who do you think you are?
- (407): someone who doesn't ask that question
- (617): There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
dec 17 2023 ∞
dec 17 2023 +