(2:30 am 9th

• I feel like theres something wrong with me
• I love my friends but still
• wjenever I'm happy I think something is wrong
• I feel like a horrible person
• I can't talk to people
• my clinic wont fucking call me at all
• I have to wait for over half a year to get a tiny ass needle
• they need to check if I need to kill myself enough yet.
• I've felt like shit for so long that I cant tell whats a want or a need
• food, sleep, sh, drawing, games, anythign really
• idek if I consider myself a person outside of my friends theyre much more interesting compared to me. i think I'm fine with that but it's beel a lot for years and I'm scared to meet the same people like before.

anyway

• mom thinks I do that stupid neck thing on purpose but idk how to stop it
• if I could you think I would yk?
• like other than now, I had a fine day
• but god the bigger picture can suck my fat future cock.
• I enjoy my friends and everything but I can't bring myself to do almost anything anymore
• with everything thats happened to me in retrospective I wonder if that just added onto make me who i am or if just is conclusively who I am
• would I be the same had I not been bullied? Assaulted? Neglected? Overworked? Stolen from? Did I really need that to happen to be who I am now.
• I don't think so when it comes to other people, and obviously I wouldn't question that if it was someone else but I'm tired of pretending I actually enjoy my own company
• when I'm alone I can't talk to myself because I already know, and I'm not about to bum out my friends cause they matter more to me than me yk?
• like I cry and then thats who I am at least to one person, if I dont then I'm an asshole, either way I'm pitied for the worse reason
• I'm tired of people coddling me like I don't know anything or like I'm younger than them when Im not
• the only reason I dont say things is because I've been taught that I need to be everyone's ideal, perfect, whatever
• I only see myself as what happened to me what people will tell in their stories doesn't matter anything else
• I mean obviously im not thatpessimistic or whatever
• but when does my story stop being mine and becoming someone else's
• the worst person in my life is probably lying abt my story to people because they just can. Is that still me then? am I my head? personality? the fact that I am alive? am I anything more than just an idea
• this probably sounds stupid as shit lmfao I hsould just sleep.
• goodnight, sorry I'm bitching today, just not feeling great & my kip'S sick