I think you pitied me. I think you didnt really care how I felt though, as long as I fit the paperflat role of whatever you wanted me to be. Even if it drove me mad and even if it ruined me, I did it. and when I did everything, you still didnt think it was enough. I remember everything you did, but nothing else about the night. I remember it was late adn everyone was a sleep and you were on top of me and I didnt know whjat to do cbeaus I was ten and I guess you were too but that doesnt matter. You know it makes me sick to talk about you? Like physically, I want to leave the room when I ahve to talk about the shitty things that you did. the things you did to me and the ways you treated me. all I remember about the night is not wanting to wake anyone up. I remember seeing lisa (edit: it might've been claire? one of them left but I forgot. I only remember long hair from behind) sleep and wondering if saying anything would wake her up so I didjgt. I wonder if things would ahve changed. if people would see you as the asshole you aere or if theyrd still push me aside to stay with the loduer one. who am I kidding I wouldnt have said anything anyways. I dont think you'll get it ever. theres so muc hI want to say to you but you likve in bumfuck nowhere and who gives a shit about you. other than me because I'm nevergoing to get better because of what you did anyd youll never know that.

• I'v ebeen used for so long that I dont even know ifit was something you leaarnsd from the people around me. no maybe youre just a hypocrite. i remember i told you i hated my father because hes done shitty things and you told me that god does everything for a reason. im not religious. i hate you for the words you shoved down my throadt. I would talk about yuo and believe me I do but I still lie and cover the awful things you did to me. you know i only told people about you assaulting me last week? I still havent said anything about how I cant sleep. how I don't and cant sleep on my back anymore. How I cant sleep with anyone nearby. how I dont trust anybody because I just see you. its only you and i hate it i hate it so bad. I let you step on me for years. almost ten years. 9 years and about 2 motnths. I was a child and you were a monsterous one. you bullied me and I still thought you cared. you tried soffocating me and i still cared. I welt nthough hell and back and you never cared once. not once and i know that because if you did youd have treated me better. you knew i couldnt have and wouldnt have told anyone what you did because you had way more power than me becasue you could talk. you knew you replace my dead fucking friend and I hate you for that. you used me fine whatever, but dont use his name for you shitty behaviour.
• you know youre just like everyone you hate. you dont like my father even though i already told you I didnt YOU gave him the ' behnefit of the dout' even though that was not your place. your the neightbour that pulled a knife on me. that gave me bruises. that treated me shitty. that dragged me along with awuful fucking people because you NKEW I COULDNT SAY NO. I had to ay yes what else could i do? I wasnt given the time of day. even at your levaing party i said nothing. at least it wasnt a sleepover again so you couldnt pussy out and get on me again.
• sometimes I wish everyone saw you do it. Id haete the embarasment but at least theyd actually see what an afwul fucking person you are. I hate the way you act like nothing happened.
• I hate the way you talked to claire like shed side with your manipulative ass. You used elena I know you didnt care about anyone you dated. you strung people along because you know they cant leave you
• I will never forgive you, you dont desrve anything less than my hate.
• you know I cant look at them right? anyoen whenever i talk about you. I told syl and claire and lee the other day and I looked everywhere else because I didnt want to see you in them. every shitty thin gyou did I see it everywhere. I wish you just did the whole thing so I didnt have to wonder if you did anything while i slept.
• I hate the way that you think because I've known you long enough to know you but you've neever known me. not once. you better stay out.