i wish i could like someone normally instead of becoming engrossed with them. i wish i knew how to make my brain truly love rather than obsess and be infatuated. i hate the way i constantly seek the feeling of loving instead of slowly sinking into loving someone i have a meaningful connection with. i rush into things too fast, too deeply, too meaninglessly as though love holds no meaning to me. i hate that i am able to look someone in the eyes and one minute love them and the next feel nothing for them.

i am not cunning enough to devise plans on how to make others love me, and it seems i have no other way of making others love me than to present myself as someone who can be of use to others. maybe i am just that. maybe i will never truly find love in this stupid world